The other WINNERS & LOSERS
WINNERS
RUTH DAVIDSON: The former kickboxer doubled the Tory vote in Scotland, and is the main reason Jeremy Corbyn and Nicola Sturgeon aren’t forming a coalition government. Could become a contender for Tory leadership at just 38.
DEMOCRACY: Suggestion is turnout will break 70 per cent for the first time in 20 years, an abject defeat for terrorists who have sought to undermine democracy.
BORIS JOHNSON: Now sniffing Tory leadership, the Foreign Secretary was a campaign star after calling Corbyn ‘ a mutton-headed old mugwump’. Aged five, Boris said he wanted to be ‘world king’ – he still thinks he might be.
LEN MCCLUSKEY: The Unite trade union leader cemented his status as Labour’s puppet-master, having bankrolled much of Corbyn’s campaign and parachuted key allies into safe seats.
THE 19TH HOLE: Deposed from his seat, thirsty Alex Salmond – who ran up a £45,000 food-and-drink bill in his last two months as Scottish first minister – has more time to spend on golf, as well as post-round analysis in the club bar.
SURVATION: On the eve of election, the pollster’s Damian Lyons Lowe predicted a ‘ no overall majority situation with at least the requirement for support from the DUP’ to keep Theresa May in power.
NICK FERRARI: The LBC Radio host’s maths skills torpedoed Diane Abbott when she said an extra 10,000 police officers would cost £300,000. Ferrari told her that was £30 per officer. Asked by his old school if it could tweet his maths teacher’s name, he texted back: ‘He was bloody hopeless. I got a D. So bugger off.’
MIRIAM CLEGG: No longer home alone at weekends while hubby disappears to eat rubber chicken with sandal-wearing Lib Dems. Now he’s lost his seat, jobless Senor Clegg is free to devote time to domestic duties, cementing high-flying Miriam’s status as breadwinner.
STRICTLY COME DANCING: Following Ed Balls’ glittering success, there are all
manner of potential contestants in ousted MPs, including Alex Salmond in his tartans and Nick Clegg. ARLENE FOSTER: The Democratic Unionist Party’s leader now holds the balance of power with ten seats at Westminster. She is king-maker with Theresa May’s government relying on her support. BRUSSELS WINE
MERCHANTS: Jean-Claude Juncker, £245,000-a-year head of the European Commission, is famously fond of a tipple – and will be toasting the result for weeks to come as May’s ability to play hardball over Brexit has been undermined.
GEORGE OSBORNE: The former Chancellor, sacked by May last year, couldn’t keep the smile from his face in the TV studio when results came in. If he hadn’t left the Commons he’d be among favourites to be Tory leader. As it stands, he’ll just be the Minister for Schadenfreude.
ANDREW NEIL: One of the leading grown-ups on television who was required viewing throughout the campaign – not least when his forensic questioning of Tim Farron went viral as the Lib Dem leader raised his voice and hectored his interrogator. But what DOES he do to his hair?
DIANE ABBOTT: Who needs competence in politics? She displayed ignorance and ineptitude in a series of disastrous interviews, then lost her job as shadow home secretary – but still increased her majority by 11,000.
THE SECURITY FORCES: Our Army, Navy and Air Force will not be governed by an IRAloving, Hamas- supporting pacifist Jeremy Corbyn – for the time being, at least.
ZAC GOLDSMITH: Despite recent petulance in calling a by-election after his party gave the nod to Heathrow’s third
runway, Goldsmith regained his old seat for the Tories.
JOHN CURTICE: Election night’s Professor Branestawm pulled off another uncannily accurate exit-poll forecast.
EMMA BARNETT: Her brilliant Woman’s Hour interview demolished Jeremy Corbyn over his childcare policies. LAZY SCHOOLCHILDREN: With local and general elections, lucky kids whose schools double up as polling stations have already enjoyed two Thursdays off this summer. Who would bet against a third in the coming months? LARRY THE DOWNING
STREET CAT: Cats love continuity, so Downing Street’s resident feline will be thanking his lucky stars that he avoided being passed to a third new owner in a year.
FOXES: Facebook users shared more stories about hunting than Brexit after Theresa May promised to give MPs a free vote on repealing the ban. Now the foxes can breathe easy.
LOSERS
EMILY THORNBERRY’S
BOSOM: Shadow foreign secretary’s decolletage was whacked by Jeremy Corbyn’s right hand during an election celebration. Footage suggests she was surprised by Corbyn’s attempt at a ‘high five’.
SALTIRE MAKERS: Sales of the Scottish flag will plummet now the SNP’s hopes of a second referendum resemble Monty Python’s proverbial parrot: They have ceased to be.
SIR LYNTON CROSBY: The hitherto unassailable architect of Tory election triumphs blotted his copy-book in spectacular fashion. PAUL NUTTALL: Ukip’s leader fell on his sword yesterday after his party imploded.
WELSH TOURISM: Remember, it was walking in Snowdonia that inspired the PM to call this disastrous election! JEREMY CORBYN’S
ALLOTMENT: Pundits predicted Corbyn would lose his job, giving him more time to tend the North London plot. With Jezza still Labour leader, the weeds will thrive. NICK TIMOTHY AND
FIONA HILL: Amid talk of Rasputin-like control-freakery, Mrs May’s joint chiefs of staff have for some time been the subject of grumbling and there are now mounting calls for the duo to be sidelined or axed. Beardy Timothy’s fingerprints are all over the muddled manifesto launch and disastrous ‘dementia tax’. TONY BLAIR, PETER MANDELSON, AND NEW
LABOUR: Corbyn’s triumph was the final nail in New Labour’s coffin. Blair and Mandelson were hoping that Corbyn would fail spectacularly, allowing a progressive, moderate Labour Party to rise from the ashes. BRENDA FROM BRISTOL: The pensioner caught the mood of a nation on the day the election was called, bewailing: ‘Oh no, not another one!’ When asked yesterday about the prospect of yet another vote, she yelled: ‘Oh God, no!’
GILES WOOLTORTON: The hapless BBC cameraman became a temporary star of the election campaign when Jeremy Corbyn’s car ran over his foot.
FOREIGN TRIPS: Holidaymakers will take a direct hit to their pocket by sterling’s 2.5 per cent overnight fall (though it recovered somewhat). JEREMY PAXMAN: The
attack dog hasn’t been himself since retiring from BBC2’s Newsnight and his lack of match fitness showed.
RUBY TANDOH: The Leftwing former Bake Off contestant spent much of polling day attacking fellow celebrity chefs on Twitter, saying that they were ‘staying suspiciously silent’ about the election.
MISHAL HUSAIN: The BBC’s ‘golden girl’ let the televised leader’s debate to descend into chaos, seeming woefully out of her depth when the audience started behaving like a football crowd. She then prompted formal complaints from Tory HQ after trying to bully Boris Johnson on the Today programme.
TV AUDIENCES: The Tories won 45 per cent of the votes, but you wouldn’t have known it from the horrifically partisan and loutish behaviour of the supposedly- balanced audiences at Question Time and leaders debates.
CHIPS: To show their proletarian credentials, politicians scoff vinegar-soaked chips for the cameras. But no more – footage of Theresa May tucking in during a campaign stop led to scurrilous allegations she had never eaten fast food. AUSTERITY AND
COMMON SENSE: After seven long years, the British public has tired of austerity to the extent that more than 40 per cent of adults are prepared to back a party committed to an unprecedented spending splurge.
THE TRUTH: Yesterday morning, Corbyn was claiming victory despite winning 50 fewer seats than Theresa May. And an image of the PM in the 1980s, next to a quotation in which she discussed ‘curbing lesbianism’ was shared tens of thousands of times on Facebook and Twitter. The problem? There is no evidence she ever said those words.
COLLEGE GREEN: After weeks of being pounded by TV crews, the patch of grass opposite Parliament was looking forward to a period of well-earned rest. But now there’s the chance of another election…
ALAN SUGAR: Before polling day, the entrepreneur claimed Labour would bankrupt the economy. When Left-wing critics claimed he was merely scared of paying income tax, he posted an image of a £58million cheque he wrote last year to HMRC. Yesterday he said Corbyn voters were ‘not experienced in life’. LONDON’S RIOT POLICE: They had expected to spend today earning overtime during the inevitable protest that follows any Tory victory. Now they’ll stay home.