Sorry ladies, but what men really want is... ROMANCE

Two voices turn age-old wisdom on its head...

THERE’S a joke my dad was fond of telling. a bride walks into a church on the arm of her father, about to get married. The first thing she sees is the aisle, so she thinks ‘aisle’.

Then she sees the altar and thinks ‘altar’. and as the organ strikes up the opening bars of the first hymn, she thinks ‘Hymn’. and as she approaches the groom, she puts those three words together. ‘I’ll. alter. Him’.

Oh, you can groan but, like most jokes, this has a grain of truth to it. When a couple tie the knot, the woman is more likely to want the man to change and to hate it when he doesn’t. He, on the other hand, never wants his wife to change and often hates it when she does.

That gag highlights something many women don’t like to admit: That despite the hoary old clichés about husbands who buy their wives irons for Christmas, it’s women who are the less romantic of the sexes.

Talk to any marriage counsellor and they’ll tell you unromantic women can be a frequent cause of marital upset and, quite often, divorce.

Women may say they’re outraged by this, but deep down they know it’s true. If you don’t believe me, try this. First, think of every couple you know. In the majority of cases isn’t the man the more romantic of the two?

Now think of your favourite romantic songs. Look at that imaginary playlist and again be honest, weren’t the vast majority written and sung by men about their — often unrequited — love for a woman?

This occurred to me years ago when I began researching a new novel and spoke to dozens of men about their marriages. I hadn’t realised how commonly husbands think this, or how profoundly it affects them.

MANY of them disclosed sad and poignant wishes about their wives: there was one who listened every week to Steve Wright’s Sunday Love Songs BBC Radio 2 show hoping that one of the schmaltzy requests for a love song might be dedicated to him.

another kept himself trim and smart in the vain hope that his wife might tell him how nice he looked — the sort of thing he did so frequently for her. It would have made him feel wonderful, he said. But no, she just couldn’t be bothered any more.

Yes, of course I know that there are an awful lot of unromantic men, too. There are thousands of romantic women tethered to dreary, unloving husbands. Others decide to trade romance for finance then once the honeymoon is over, they start yearning for romance.

Trouble is, as the old saying goes, a woman who marries for money will earn every penny. We hear about such relationships all the time. Maybe because in far too many instances, these men aren’t just unromantic; they can be controlling and abusive, too.

The picture is also distorted because women are far more comfortable than we are about airing their grievances and will talk openly with their friends, and share their tales of woe.

Men are more likely to suffer in silence, having no such forums for complaint. Many would have to be waterboarded before they’d admit to romantic unhappiness.

They know whingeing would be viewed, even by other men in similar situations, as a sign of weakness. So their disappoint- ment remains unspoken, unacknowledged and unresolved.

It’s often assumed that for men romance simply means sex but it doesn’t. It’s not about sex, it’s about affection. as one man who’s been married for 16 years put it: ‘It’s not the sex I miss, it’s the kissing.’

another acquaintance was even more candid. He’d had an affair for which he admitted he was ‘120 per cent in the wrong’. The affair ended and his wife never found out. He wasn’t seeking to excuse himself. But he said that part of him almost wanted his wife to find out so he could say: ‘I didn’t want her. I wanted you.’

The truth is most men don’t want an extra-marital affair; they want an intra-marital one, with all the excitement and romance that a fling brings.

It’s not that women don’t like romance, of course they do. But it often seems that many regard it as an entitlement. They don’t see it, even in the 21st century, as a mutual process to which they need to contribute. Take Valentine’s day. Men are annually expected to buy flowers or chocolates or arrange a candlelit dinner, women are expected to do, well, what exactly?

SO WHY are so many men filled with unrequited romance? evolutionary psychology, has an answer. Because men have the ability to procreate easily they are more likely to fall quickly, deeply and impulsively in love.

It takes only a few glorious minutes to become a dad but nine painful months to be a mother.

Women, by biological necessity, have to be more cautious and pragmatic when seeking a partner. Unfortunately, caution and pragmatism are the very opposite of romance.

My own wife was neither cautious nor pragmatic. Within a year of our first date, we’d had our first child. Then a wedding, then a second child and 20 years later, we’re still together. She argues that over the course of a marriage, romance evolves into thoughtfulness. She says it’s the little gestures that men may not even notice.

I have never forgotten that on the day of my mother’s funeral unbeknown to me she had bought me a beautiful linen handkerchief, something I was proud to tuck into my top pocket.

I suppose the secret of a healthy, romantic marriage is never forgetting that before the marriage, the mortgage and children, there was a boyfriend and a girlfriend. That’s the root of every marriage. and unless that root is nurtured, all around it will wither and die.

according to psychiatrist dr. Robin Skynner, the definition of love is recognising someone’s needs and meeting them. and trust me, what your husband or boyfriend needs is romance.

Just be kind with words and make him feel appreciated — as he hopefully does for you. Honestly, a little affection will have a big impact. after all we’re so often told, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.