Daily Mail

Fancy a five star migrant centre break? Chips with everything!

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StuCK for a summer holiday idea this year? Can’t face the usual chaos at the airports, especially now there’s yet another cumbersome layer of security centred on laptops, Kindles and iPads?

Worried about the threat of terrorism after attacks everywhere from the South of France to tunisia? Concerned that your money won’t go very far because of the post-Brexit devaluatio­n of the pound against currencies like the euro and the dollar?

Don’t despair. Why not choose a staycation and take advantage of everything Britain has to offer? the uK is the most popular destinatio­n for visitors from all over the world. Most of them like it here so much they never want to go home.

take the hundreds of foreign nationals currently tucked up at the all-inclusive, Center Parcs-style Yarl’s Wood Immigratio­n Removal Centre in rural Bedfordshi­re.

the Government has spent more than £100 million of taxpayers’ money laying on five- star facilities which would put the average holiday camp to shame.

Nothing’s too good for the guests at Yarl’s Wood, who can enjoy everything from Zumba classes and bingo to volleyball and badminton, as well as learning arts and crafts such as sewing and origami. the centre also has a beauty salon — and all treatments are absolutely free. It’s even got its own on-site medical clinic.

People pay thousands of pounds for this kind of pampering elsewhere. But are the inmates, who mostly hail from Africa, China and Jamaica, happy?

Not at all. they make that deaf old bat from Fawlty towers look like the perfect house guest. Remember the episode when she complains about everything, including the view? An exasperate­d Basil replies: ‘May I ask what you were expecting to see out of a torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney opera House, perhaps? the Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestical­ly...’

If you really were escaping war, persecutio­n, torture or famine, you’d be grateful for any small act of kindness. But that’s not how it works at Yarl’s Wood.

the inmates have an exaggerate­d sense of entitlemen­t which makes the mind boggle. Not so long ago, some attempted to burn the place to the ground.

there have been riots and hunger strikes. their latest complaint is about the food, which they describe as ‘too English’. As Basil Fawlty might have reacted: ‘What do you expect to eat at a detention centre in Bedfordshi­re? Goat’s head soup? Fillet of wildebeest stewing majestical­ly . . .’

Inspectors from the Independen­t Monitoring Board report that the detainees are demanding more ‘culturally diverse’ cuisine. (Are these inspectors paid by the Home office or the Michelin Guide?)

Yet, back in 2015, a restaurant called the Cultural Kitchen opened at the centre to cater for more exotic tastes. Even that wasn’t enough to satisfy the discerning diner. So what is the ‘ too English’ food which offends their cultural sensibilit­ies?

Pizza, for a start. But since when has pizza been classified as ‘English’? It is a universal dish, served in one form or another everywhere from Lagos to Los Angeles. they don’t like baguettes, either. But the last time anyone looked, baguettes originated in France. I don’t suppose the residents of the Jungle in Calais turned their noses up at a crispy baguette stuffed with Camembert.

Maybe the mainly-female residents of Yarl’s Wood are all watching their waistline and sticking to the Atkins Diet. they are especially distressed that their meals are ‘carbohydra­te-laden’, with too much emphasis on bread and chips. the report bemoans the fact that ‘some of the sandwiches can be very unappetisi­ng’.

We’re not told what fillings are available, but I’m assuming we’re not talking organic quinoa on multigrain, gluten-free ciabatta here.

Maybe they fancy some of those edible flowers that are all the rage this summer.

Even if they’re being offered processed mousetrap between two slices of Mother’s Pride, it’s much better than they could expect in the hell-holes they claim to have fled. I doubt the thousands of indigenous British people Labour alleges are having to rely on handouts from food banks would turn up their noses at the Yarl’s Wood buffet.

they also object to being served fish and chips, about the only thing on the menu which appears to qualify as a traditiona­l English meal. But as Dave Mooney, the catering manager at Yarl’s Wood, said many of them a nice fish supper.

they’ve certainly been in Britain long enough to acquire a taste for cod and chips. Don’t forget that all the detainees have spent years trying to win the right to stay here permanentl­y.

None of those housed at Yarl’s Wood has any right to remain. they either entered the country illegally, or overstayed their visas, and have lost a series of appeals against being sent home, at considerab­le cost to the British taxpayer in terms of legal aid and other benefits.

All are currently awaiting deportatio­n. If they can’t even stand the food, what are they waiting for? Surely they would be far happier living somewhere more in line with their own cultural heritage.

the sooner these detainees are put on the first plane out, the better. then perhaps the Government could convert Yarl’s Wood into a proper holiday camp for British citizens who don’t fancy going abroad in future.

After all, how many people would say ‘no’ to an all-inclusive couple of weeks at a retreat in rural Bedfordshi­re, complete with free badminton, volleyball and origami lessons?

And the good news is that there’s always the zumba classes to work off all that fattening pizza and fish ’n’ chips.

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