Here’s radio Harry!

Meghan at 6.15am. Brexit special from Air Miles Andy at 8.20. Strip billiards on the sports report. As the Prince is made a guest editor of BBC’s Today programme . . .

PRINCE HaRRy is being lined up as a guest editor of BBC Radio 4’s Today programme. This is welcome news. He can hardly make the notoriously self- important, Left- leaning ‘Today’ any worse. So what might the show include on the day that the Prince is in control? QUENTIN LETTS has had sight of one of the early drafts of the running order.

6am, opening headlines: To be prefaced by a royal fanfare — but with a slight difference, the State trumpets having been given an acid-house mix with Prince Harry as DJ. 6.10: First look at what is in today’s newspapers. Instead of the usual smattering of stories from The Times, Daily Telegraph, Daily Mail, Sun, etc., the presenters choose items from Sports Illustrated, Tatler and the too-often-under-appreciated Guns & ammo magazine. 6.15, business news: Hard-hitting g item on how Hollywood’s financierss overlook the most promising TV starletss and how post-Brexit Britain could benefit t if the Treasury would only grant taxx cuts to film-making projects for stars off shows such as legal drama Suits. To o include an exclusive interview withh Meghan Markle, actress.

6.25, sports bulletin: Including an n update on strip billiards and pool parties s in Las Vegas, a first for BBC radio. Followed by Gary Richardson at Smith’s Lawn for the polo.

6.35: Political correspondent Norman n Smith in discussion with presenterr John Humphrys on the question: ‘ Whatt is the Government doing to stop the trade in illegal ivory?’ a militant elephants’ rights activist in a clip sounds suspiciously like Prince William.

6.50: Debate between top historian ( ‘anyone but that ghastly Leftie Simon Schama’ — Harry W) ) and feminist Princess anne on the topic: : ‘Now we have a female Doctor Who, what other lines of succession should be made gender-blind, and what impact might this have on the rules of Succession?’

6.55: Party etiquette special: how not to o dress at parties — with special reference e to turning up as a Nazi with a swastika on n your sleeve, and the perils of dad-dancing g with models in alpine resorts.

7.10: The exams question: Who cares iff you have a-levels? Discussion featuring g case studies of pupils who, although told at school that they were ‘complete thickos’, managed to succeed in life. and a special report on why Princess Eugenie was ideally qualified for Newcastle University.

7.18: Useful item about how to check your gundog for tics.

7.20: How beards are the new must-have fashion accessory. Particularly if you come from a family which suffers from male-pattern baldness — mentions of Princes William and Charles. 7.25, sports bulletin: Tips from the Lions rugby players on after- match drinking competitions. Followed by special report on beach volleyball babes from Copacabana beach, Rio de Janeiro. 7.35:

Equality campaigners round-table discussion about the ‘forgotten discrimination’ against redheads. Why ‘gingers’ deserve to be treated without prejudice as much as any other minority. (But Fergie doesn’t count.) 7.40:

Heart-rending report from behind the scenes at British Vogue, including interviews with those sacked in posh-girl clear-out by trendy new editor Edward Enninful. Listeners warned beforehand that this segment includes double-barrelled names. 7.45, Thought For The Day: The archbishop of Canterbury on the hell of being monarch and why no one wants to be one any more. 7.50:

Exposé of Southern african big-game hunters. Nothing to do with shooting rhinos, but a report on the young South african women and their mothers who come to Britain for the summer season, hoping to ‘land a big one’ (i.e. become engaged to a member

of the aristocracy). (Editor’s note: this pre-recorded segment needs to be approved by lawyers for any reference to Chelsy Davy.) 8.10, main interview:

Chancellor of the Exchequer Philip Hammond to be beaten up hard over his reluctance to give more money to the Civil List and to pay more for the repairs at Buckingham Palace. Production staff to check claim that Islington Council spends more on lesbian arm-wrestling troupes in one year than the Royal Household receives for palace maintenance.

8.20: Brexit special from air Miles andy and what he’s learned from jetting round the world abouta global opportunities (no, not more free trips!) after leaving the EU. 8.25, sports bulletin:

Focus on the Cresta Run and daredevil inventor Sir Francis Bonkers, Bt., who likes to whizz down the worldfeared ice run on a metal ironing board while wearing a World War I flying cap, whistling the Eton Boating Song. Plus a lesson on how to cheat — and win — in a race against the world’s fastest man,m Usain Bolt. 8.35:

Eyewitness diary- style report on London’s ‘ corking’ night-timen sub- culture by a Mr Guy Pelly, discotheques entrepreneur. BBC compliance lawyers are currently assessing Mr Pelly’s proposal to give Today listeners a 50 per cent discount on their first Cuba Libre at selected venues before 10pm on Tuesday nights. PlusP special tips on scuffling withw photographers. 8.40:

‘agony Uncles’ — a new series on how to cope with embarrassing uncles, with profiles of Prince Edward and Carole Middleton’s brother, Gary Goldsmith. 8 8.45:

Motoring. Guest editor Harry observed that motoring was never given a mention on the TodayT programme, even though many of its listeners are stuck in cars at that time of the morning.

He therefore commissions a report on the latest supercars, which naturally involved the guest editor getting to drive the latest Maseratis, aston Martins and Ferraris round a nearby race track and pass his verdict on their abilities re speed, comfort, economy and ‘BMa’ (babe magnet appeal). 8.50:

Controversial closing interview with pressure group Republic, in which the guest editor is to be asked no-holdsbarred questions about what he

really thinks of being a royal. (Can we please have a first-aid person close at hand in case things get out of control?)