Save me from this alphabet soup — PDQ!

An invitation arrived from the aa — not alcoholics anonymous or the automobile association or the architectural association or the academy awards or audits and assessments or air ambulance or american airlines, but from the acronym academy.

it’s a new organisation, formed to promote UiDCW, or the use of initials in documents and conversations worldwide.

‘RSvP, aSaP,’ read the invitation, followed by ‘Pto’.

i turned it over. ‘ PS’ it read, ‘BtW, FYi, BaB. CU!’

By now, i was beginning to feel out of my depth. ‘i know what PS means,’ i said to my wife. ‘and then it’s By the Way and For Your information. But what is BaB?’

She looked puzzled. ‘it can only mean one of two things. Either Beavis and Butt-Head are going to be there, or we’re going to have to listen to a talk on Biotechnology and applied Biochemistry.’

‘and what about CU?’ i asked. ‘are they suggesting there’s going to be a Cover-Up?’

‘no,’ she said. ‘ that’s short for “See You”. EKt.’ ‘EKt?’ ‘Everybody Knows that.’

We arrived at the acronym academy in good time. a woman greeted us. ‘ i’m the Pa to the CEo of the aa,’ she said. ‘i see you didn’t BaB, as instructed!’ ‘BaB?’ i asked. ‘oMG! Bring a Bottle, FYi,’ she replied. ‘otoH, it’s a FaQ, so nM.’ ‘nM?’ ‘never Mind. ttYL!’ ‘oiC,’ i said, dipping into my phrase-book. ‘tHX!’

at last, i felt i was getting the hang of it. the aSaP (annual Summer/autumn Party) of the aa is never the most relaxing event. the world’s adherence to acronyms and abbreviations makes things tricky for those of us who grew up in an era when words were always completed, or CMPtD, as we are expected to say.

Undaunted, we went in, to be greeted by a man wearing an FoH badge, carrying a tray. ‘WinE,’ he said.

‘thank you,’ i said, reaching for a glass.

‘no. WinE — the World is not Enough,’ he replied. i nodded sagely, pretending i understood what he was talking about. ‘WtF?’ i whispered to my wife. ‘ World tennis Federation?’ she said. ‘ Surely they’re not here, too?’

‘oYEZ! oYEZ!’ said the MC. ‘L&G, PS for the MD!’ ‘PS?’ i shouted. ‘Pray Silence,’ said my wife. the MD, who looked like iDS, launched into a speech.

‘Good 2CU,’ he began, cheerily. ‘and tGiF! BtW, not to be ott, but here at the aa we like a Cv with a high iQ. otoH, we also value a GSoH, oBvS! LoL! i hope i’m not going 2F4U! and now, WFa...’

‘ Without Further ado,’ whispered my wife. ‘...here’s your DJ! tYvM!’ the DJ started playing ELo, REM, aC/DC, inXS, CCS, CSn&Y, aBC, oMD and U2 on his MP3, followed by a bit of Run-DMC. Sadly, Jay-Z was n/a on CD, so the DJ played an LP of 10CC at 33RPM for the oaPs.

towards the end of the evening, he started playing some MoR requests — in particular, YMCa and SoS by aBBa.

By the end of theevng,ifoundi was cmptly xorstd. ‘iMo,’ i said to my wife, ‘this trend for abbreviations...’

‘Do you mean trnd 4 abbrevs?’ ‘if you must.’ ‘iYM.’ ‘anyway, this trnd 4 abbrevs is driving me mad.’ ‘DYM?’ ‘Y. in a few years’ time...’ ‘iFYt...’ ‘ iFYt, they’ll have reduced the Complete Works of Shakespeare to a couple of initials.’ ‘ah! You mean the CWS?!’ ‘no, that’s Cold Water Shaving.’ ‘no, it isn’t. it’s Collision Warning System or at the very least Control Wheel Steering.’

‘Don’t tell that to the Chicago White Sox or the Canadian Wildlife Service. You see...’ ‘UC.’ ‘UC, that’s the trouble. once everything is initialised, then everything will mean something else, and nothing will be EXaCt.’

‘What do you mean? nothing will be Executive action team? Why will nothing be Executive action team? iDU.’ ‘Eh?’ ‘What do you mean by EH? Edward Heath? What’s Edward Heath got to do with it? iDU.’ ‘What does iDU mean?’ ‘i Don’t Understand.’ By now, we were both in the most frightful muddle.

‘We’re in the mst frtfl mdle,’ i said. ‘ this acronym academy is getting to us. iMo, we’d better leave it PDQ.’

‘ then leave it 2day,’ said my wife.

‘n,’ i replied. ‘BLi — best leave it — until 2MRo.’