It’s so cruel not seeing my grandsons
DEAR BEL, I’M A 70-year-old grandmother to three grandsons, aged 17, 16 and 14. Divorced, I brought up my only child. I gave him a good education and he went to university.
We had a loving relationship and he was a wonderful son — successful, responsible, kind, a devoted father and husband. I couldn’t have asked for more.
Yet since his marriage, I’ve been gradually excluded, and no longer have any contact. Despite trying to get them to meet me halfway (even suggesting mediation) I have been met with little or no response.
I believe my son has been brainwashed by his wife and can no longer respond in a positive way to me.
The impact is profound — physically and mentally.
I never thought I would not be part of my son and grandsons’ lives. I’m at a loss. What grandmother is refused the mobile numbers of her grandsons, has never had them to stay, never receives news or photos, never gets to attend a prize day, never gets invited at Christmas and never gets a response to her letters?
Surely this is not just a lack of generosity of spirit but mental cruelty?
I know there are countless other grandparents like me who feel life is simply no longer worth living. Friends are supportive but unable to fill the void.
I believe there’s a real need for a national network of support groups where estranged grandparents can meet to share experiences and offer help while travelling along this lonely path. CHRISTINA
MORE than a million children in the UK today don’t have any contact with their grandparents, and it shocks me. Research shows that almost 50 per cent of grandparents never see their grandchildren again after parental separation or a family dispute.
Yet I— a devoted grandmother partly brought up by grandparents (helping my parents) — know how the unconditional love of grandparents can enhance family life. I still remember sitting on my grandfather’s knee while he plaited my hair and told me stories about carthorses he worked with as a boy.
Grandparents are often the buffer between a child and inadequate parenting. Once, on a plane in the U.S., I sat by a couple who whispered they were bringing up the child who sat, drawing, between them. Why? The parents had split up and neither wanted custody.
So you can imagine how strongly I am on your side, although obviously I have no idea of the rights and wrongs of this case, and family life can be very complicated. But it does seem wrong that grandparents have no legal right to be part of their grandchildren’s life. After
reading your email I entered ‘estranged grandparents’ into a search engine and was interested by what came up. I’m sure you’ve done the same; if not, try it. You may feel less isolated.
I checked out bristolgrandparents
supportgroup.co.uk — even if you are not in that area, there are links which connect that site to other groups.
Last year I was contacted by Lorraine Bushell, who runs the Hendon Grandparents group. She told me of their plans for a government petition and I was invited to a big lobby day in Westminster this January, but couldn’t go as it was just before my hip replacement.
Do you know about the national grandparents’ charity, Grandparents Plus? Visit grandparentsplus.org.uk for information and links to groups.
The truthful answer to your question ‘What grandparent never gets invited to family events etc.?’ is (sadly) ‘Lots’. As you’ve tried to make things right there’s no advice I can give, other than to make contact with others in the same situation, in the hope of support.
I hope and pray that when your grandsons are grown up they will get in touch — and try to get to know the grandmother who always wanted to give them so much love.