Will my new man (who’s 70) ever give up his ex?

DEAR BEL, I’M IN my 60s, met a guy through a dating site and have been seeing him for more than three months.

I have also spent time nursing him when he has been unwell. He is 70, with no family or children and has never been married.

He has an ex-girlfriend of over 30 years who has remained a close friend even after their relationship ended. He said she was extremely neurotic with mood swings, was sometimes abusive and known to break things. Over the years she occasionally loaned him money but, he says, he paid her back. She is a good friend to him, although they can only tolerate one another for short periods.

He has made a point of telling me that although there is no relationship now other than friendship, he has said that if she becomes ill in future he will nurse her and marry her to give her security — even though I understand she is slightly more financially secure than he is. Before I get more involved with this man I need advice.

He has already insisted they will spend Christmas Day together and that they have made this a pact for the rest of their lives. He says she is very jealous of any other woman in his life.

She says she could easily pay off what little mortgage he has left, but he says he doesn’t want to ‘sell his soul’ for money.

I have told him I’d like to meet her and reassure her that I am not a threat to their relationship. At our age it is important to appreciate what friends we have left, but as yet I have not been introduced.

He appears to be quite fearful of her and she visits him whenever she chooses to.

They also accompany one another on trips to London when it suits them both, having established this arrangement for years.

I understand no relationship is perfect, but I find all this confusing. I am quite old-fashioned and don’t want to waste my life hoping for a future with this man who might be unwilling to commit to me.

However, he insists that he has always dated more than one lady (sometimes three at a time) all his life, until he met me.

Apologies if this sounds confusing but it just echoes how I feel: confused and frustrated. ANNE

There are many features written about the unwillingness to commit among today’s young ( or at least, younger) men, but here is a man at the beginning of his eighth decade who shows no sign of changing his ways, but wants to continue to run a couple of ladies at once.

he told you his former relationship has ended — meaning, I assume, it is no longer romantic. Yet his commitment to this other woman is impressive, difficult though she sounds.

Frankly, when I read that your man has sometimes been dating three ladies simultaneously, I looked back over your description of his Old Faithful’s volatile character (‘extremely neurotic and having mood swings . . . and known to break things’) with new understanding, even empathy!

The lady has lent him money, even offering to pay off his mortgage, and probably may have hoped they might live together. But he wanted his freedom — and still does in some ways.

Yet, interestingly, he chooses not to have it. The Christmas ‘pact’ is the most telling — and actually rather

touching — evidence. he says he will spend Christmas Day with her as long as they live, which is perhaps as close to a wedding vow as this man will get.

he’s also willing to go along with ‘in sickness and in health’ for her sake, except that when he was ill you did the nursing. he sounds as committed to her as he’s likely to get. how are you going to deal with this truth?

You met this man on a dating site and after three or four months know very little about him, other than some history about his interesting love life.

he wants a relationship with you, even though he is unwilling to change his habits. During the first three months of any relationship a man (or woman) is usually keen to please a new partner and although you told me his absolute honesty pleased you from the beginning, I fear it will soon lose its appeal.

he’s laid it on the line with you from the beginning, so I don’t know why you hope he will change. The fact that you used a dating site indicates an understandable wish for a relationship — that is, where you are concerned. But why was he on the site when he is still so involved with this lady?

I can only assume that his intention is to collect more strings for his bow. I don’t say that disapprovingly at all. he is single and has every right to wish to continue to enjoy that freedom as his 70s progress — always in the knowledge he intends to take care of the lady he shares his Christmases with.

Whatever words he uses to describe what exists between them, it seems to be a long-lasting emotional ‘ bubble’ which is theirs alone.

The real problem is you and your needs and dreams. Your feelings are very likely to be hurt. I would love to be able to encourage you in this relationship, but all the warning signs are there and you would be foolish to ignore them.

You want an exclusive ‘future’ that this man is unwilling or unable to offer you. It’s not in his DNA, by the sound of it.

What are your choices? You could take a deep breath, accept him as he is, make your own plans for Christmas, and vow to have fun with a man you like for as long as it lasts. Or you could shrug this off as an interesting experience and return to dating to see who else you might meet.

Or do both, being frank with him about what you want and vowing not to be strung along by anybody.