A MEDDLING mother-in-law!
Proof nothing’s more maddening than. . . By retired Cambridge psychologist TERRI APTER – pictured here with the woman who drove her up the wall for years
WITH a hectic life juggling two young daughters and a burgeoning academic career, you’d assume that as a young wife I eagerly accepted all the help I could get.
Yet there was one woman whose offers of help — be it with housework or medical advice — I always sulkily rebuffed. Those of my mother-in-law.
I was reminded of my rocky relationship with my husband’s beloved mother recently when TV presenter Esther Rantzen wrote about the plight of grandmothers who become cut off from their grandchildren.
Many of them put the blame firmly on the shoulders of their daughters-in-law for alienating much-loved grandchildren after divorce or jealously isolating them from their own sons. The pain of such estrangement is terrible, but assigning responsibility is far from simple.
Given my own experience, it’s no surprise that I empathise with the many daughters-in-law who have since written to Femail to give their side, many with their ‘blood boiling’ in indignation.
No, it isn’t all the daughters-in-laws’ fault, they wrote. There are plenty of mother-in-laws out there who are equally to blame.
My mother-in-law Betty died five years ago, aged 94, and maintained a close bond with my daughters — who adored her — until her death. I married her son when I was just 24, and our relationship remained strained until her final years.
In fact, it could be so difficult that I wrote a book about the subject, What Do You Want From Me? Learning To Get Along With In-Laws, as I wanted to understand why this dynamic between the two central women in a man’s life is fraught even in the most loving families.
Men may tell the mother-in-law jokes, but in reality the friction is between the women.
When, as a Cambridge University psychologist, I researched the subject I found 60 per cent of women describe these relationships using words such as ‘ strained’, ‘ uncomfortable’, ‘infuriating’, ‘depressing’, ‘draining’ and ‘simply awful’.
I can vividly recall many occasions on which I failed to disguise my irritation at what I perceived as my mother-in-law’s meddling and criticism.
SHE was a traditional Fifties housewife who saw her role as supporting her husband’s Navy career and caring for their two children, and she assumed I would follow her example.
Meanwhile, I was insecure about my career and ability to manage a home and bring up children. During visits she would, for example, offer to iron my husband David’s shirts, but always made it clear she was helping me. This insinuated that it was both my job — when my husband and I had agreed we were equals when it came to our career ambitions and domestic duties — and that it was a task she could do better.
Then there were endless little snipes and comments that drive every new mum mad. Naturally, her son — my husband — had been ‘ good as gold’ as a baby and as a toddler he’d eaten everything on his plate and been ‘no trouble whatsoever’.
Or she’d bustle in when one of my daughters was having a tantrum and inevitably expertly soothe her, leaving me feeling humiliated and inadequate.
When we bought our first house and my husband gave my study priority, she irritated me by looking around the newly painted room and announcing: ‘Of course, this won’t be a study for long. It will be perfect as a playroom.’
I was often brusque and ungrateful as a result. When she saved coupons to help us buy a new vacuum cleaner she thought we needed, I told her that it was a waste of time, rather than discreetly putting them in the bin after she left.
Even more galling, she would deal with my irritation and outbursts by being super nice and suggesting I mustn’t be feeling well.
For her, there could be no other explanation for my disquiet. Even in the middle of my anger, I knew I was being unfair to her. After all, she meant well.
But it’s hard to stay calm when your mother-in-law is repeatedly telling you that she knows best, as happened to Michelle, who wrote in furiously describing: ‘ From the moment I was pregnant, I was told how I should be raising my child: the way their son had been!’
Meanwhile, Katrina wrote: ‘When, as a new mother, you’re getting to grips with sleepless nights, the last thing you need is a mother-in-law who strides into the picture, telling you that your husband was a perfect angel.
‘And my mother-in-law would say how she managed without any help from her husband, the inference being to stop giving her son so much to do.’
Meanwhile, a woman called Karen described how her in-laws had cut off all contact with their grandchildren because she and her husband refused to accept his mother’s parenting advice.
She says: ‘It was fine when my children were little. But as they grew and their behaviour became more of an issue, I started to see the other side of my mother-inlaw. She became vocal in her views on how I should bring up my children.
‘Needless to say she made me feel quite inadequate as a mother. My husband and I stood united about our parenting decisions and as a result my in- laws decided to stay away. They no longer visited and didn’t even send the grandchildren a birthday card. It was left to me and my husband to help our children come to terms with not having their grandparents in their lives any more.’
Part of the issue is that the relationship a woman has with her mother-in-law will inevitably be different to the one she has with her own mum.
Research shows that when a baby comes along, a daughter’s bond with her own mother is strengthened. She feels more of an equal and there is greater appreciation of her mother’s advice and support.
Women also get plenty of practice asserting their independence and distinctive identity in their teens — think of all those mother/ daughter arguments. They play an important role in the development of a good mother-daughter relationship, enabling both to learn how to disagree amicably without causing offence.
BUT that familiarity just isn’t there with a mother- in- law, and even the best relationships can deteriorate — particularly after grandchildren arrive.
To daughters-in-law, it often feels as if the in-laws demand unreasonable amounts of time visiting grandchildren. From my research, this isn’t true, it just feels as if they do because the relationship is such hard work!
Aimee Elizabeth wrote poignantly: ‘ When friends and family look at pictures of my sixmonth-old son, they must think my life is perfect. Little do they know the anxiety I go through in order to keep both my in-laws and my parents happy.’
As many daughters- in- law revealed in their letters, when a mother-in-law imposes her style of parenting on grandchildren, it can lead to conflict.
Anne recalled: ‘From the start of my marriage, my mother-inlaw was interfering and controlling — it got to the point where I didn’t want to be in her company. One example of how she was with my children is that when my son was about six and my daughter four, they went for a sleepover at her house.
‘When she put their tea out, my daughter wouldn’t eat her sprouts, but gran was determined that she would. The next morning while my son was tucking into his Coco Pops, out from the fridge came the cold sprouts which my daughter still refused to eat.
‘So she was sent out to the porch to stand until she changed her mind! When I found out about this, I was livid. The next