Believe it or not, Shirley’s 74 and single. What she says about love (and, yes, sex) shows how much the world’s changed
SUCCESSFUL and single, Shirley Livingstone is clear on what she’s looking for in a prospective partner: a kind heart, a zest for life — and a libido every bit as energetic as her own.
Nothing unusual, you might think — but what if I tell you Shirley is 74? This is an age better suited to slippers than sex — or so society would have us believe.
Shirley, who was widowed 15 years ago, counters: ‘Every faculty in me is still working — including my sex drive — so I would enjoy an emotional and physical relationship. I’m certainly still fun and interested and interesting.’
Her lust for life (and high hopes for love) is infectious and reflects a surprisingly common mindset among older women who discover they have a renewed interest in sexual intimacy later in life.
As the Date Doctor for Femail’s Blind Date column, I am inundated with letters and emails from fabulous women of all ages who are looking for love.
But I have been particularly struck by the number of single seventysomethings who are in search of a loving and intimate relationship.
These are part of the generation who grew up in a culture of free love, flower power and ‘letting it all hang out’. So is it any wonder that now they are reaching their 70s, sex is still important, however much that might make the younger generations squirm?
Society continues to dismiss the possibility of older people enjoying intimacy, but that doesn’t reflect what is actually going on in people’s private lives. Ammanda Major, a sex and relationship therapist with Relate, says she sees ‘lots of women in their 60s and 70s who still want and enjoy an active sex life’.
She says: ‘If you want to be sexual as an older person then you can be seen as slightly indecent, but I do think that there is a growing acknowledgement for women in general about sexual freedom and awareness.’
Meanwhile, a 2015 study at the University of Manchester found a third of over-70s still enjoy frequent sex at least twice a month, with 54 per cent of men and 31 per cent of
women over 70 admitting they’re sexually active.
Dame Helen Mirren, 72, famously admitted to only finding true sexual fulfilment later in life. Married to American film director Taylor Hackford, she says her sex life is better than ever: sex was ‘ paranoid and empty’ in her youth, but is now ‘great, just wonderful’.
Jane Fonda, 79, has also declared that sex improves with age as ‘we’re braver’ in our older age.
And the film and theatre industries are slowly catching on: Bond girl Jane Seymour, 66, is playing a sex- crazed neighbour in Adam Sandler’s new Netflix series, Sandy Wexler, and Melanie Griffith, 60, is reviving that most famous of ‘ cougars’, The Graduate’s Mrs Robinson, on stage in the U.S. this month.
But why has there been this sudden shift in sexual peak?
The increase in late-life divorce, and the surge of sixty and seventysomethings seeking new partners, shows that although desire may diminish during an old, familiar relationship, it can be rekindled with someone new — no matter your age.
The trouble is not, then, kickstarting your libido, but finding a suitable partner. Ammanda Major says: ‘I see single women who are either divorced or bereaved who feel sexually frustrated because their stress is not that they have sexual desire, but that they would like to have a partner but are not sure how to get one.’
EveN the much-feted Hollywood actress Diane Keaton, 71, expressed her own dismay about the matter last year. She admitted she was ‘sexually frustrated’, adding ‘it’s not good’.
Shirley Livingstone, meanwhile, says she’s been ‘actively dating’ for a few years, but after a number of introductions through a dating agency ‘nothing too serious came of them’.
She explains: ‘It’s hard to find that spark. I’d like to find a kind-hearted man who is open-minded, with a zest for life. I feel that I’ve got a lot of love to give.’
Shirley has a very full and active life; she still runs a small property company and travels whenever she can.
Having had a varied career as a midwife, nurse and fashion designer, she says it’s hard to meet a man who matches her energy and youthful outlook on life.
She says: ‘ I have a 15- year- old granddaughter who likes to do things with me, and my daughter and her friends are in their 40s and they all keep me young as well.’
But men of her age tend not to have moved with the times: ‘They don’t take care of themselves, with eyebrows falling into their eyes. Do they really expect us to kiss them with a mouth full of broken teeth? I think that men should have facials and be groomed.’
Behavioural psychologist Jo Hemmings says men tend to move into ‘ continual relationships’ but when they’re single ‘men of that generation can get stuck in a time warp and not make as much of an effort’. She says: ‘They’re used to someone helping and encouraging them.’
Hemmings highlights another problem for seventysomething single women: the ratio of men to women drops significantly. She says: ‘I think from a dating point of view there are probably ten women for every man at this age.
‘It’s important to be armed with that knowledge and work harder. Get out and socialise and be opportunistic. Don’t wait around for a man to make a move: tell him you’re interested and give him your number.’
Pauline King is another 70-year-old singleton bristling with defiance of age: ‘I feel no different to when I was in my 30s. I would love a warm, loving relationship and to have the opportunity to share my emotional and physical self. Why not?
‘Look at Joan Collins and Jane Fonda: they are just amazing role models.’
But she is very frustrated that in reality women of her age get ‘dismissed and overlooked’.
She says: ‘People say that I must have been a looker when I was younger and that hurts, because it’s like writing me off, as if my time has gone. But I don’t believe it has. I’m like an onion — just peel back the age layers and I’m still there!’
Pauline, who has three children in their 30s, has had a number of relationships since divorcing her husband in her mid-30s.
She says: ‘I’ve tried lots of online dating but the calibre of women is far better than the men. If I was a lesbian I would have quite a future!
I’ve done a lot of travelling on my own and I’m open to most things. If I
Everything’s still working – including my sex drive Shirley, 74
could sit in a bar and meet a man I would, but it’s really very difficult for a single woman to do that and I also don ’t know how many drinks I could drink before someone would approach me.’ Yes, Pauline is after companionship — ‘ Sometimes I just want that companionable silence of just being there’ — but sex is important, too. She says : ‘I’d love to meet a man with whom I can have an emotional and physical relationship. Why should I settle for anything less just because of my age?’
Pauline lives in Selsey, a small town by the Sussex coast, having lived for several years in both South Africa and the South of France. She says: ‘I love to dress up, but I also like to be low key. I go cycling and do yoga. I just love life.’
While age can bring certain issues to the practicality of sex, such as erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness, Ammanda Major says most of the time these can be overcome: ‘I’ve often worked with older couples wanting to maintain and grow their sexual experiences.’
More of a challenge is overcoming society’s rigid expectations. Ammanda explains: ‘It can be scary when society doesn’t see you as a sexual being.
‘But the fact is that people are living longer, and when you are 70 and in good health and feel attractive in yourself, you might well live until you’re 90 or 100 — and that’s a long time to be without intimacy.
‘It’s about knowing what you want and being as sexual as you need to be. I think what’s changing is that more women are thinking: “I’m OK as I am and if I want to be sexual, I’m finding ways to express that.”’
Carol Ann Flanagan, 71, who lives in London, is another woman who’s searching for more than just cosy companionship.
After her initial divorce in 1985, she went on to have a happy 20-year relationship, which ended when her partner sadly passed away 18 months ago.
She says: ‘I miss men and I like their company, but I’m not that keen to go online because I don’t want to have to sell myself.
‘Years ago, you just went out and met a bloke. I met my last partner on a blind date when I was 50. I’d love to meet someone with a sense of humour and similar interests. Someone well-dressed!’
As with many of the seventysomething singletons I’ve encountered, Carol Ann’s appearance is very important to her.
She maintains a meticulous beauty regime and keeps herself fit and active. She says: ‘I like looking nice and it’s a part of who I am. I’m not high maintenance but I wouldn’t go out without my make-up, even if I was going to aerobics.’
CAROL Ann loves to spend time with her family, including her two great-grandchildren. Sadly her son died recently at the tender age of 40, but she believes it’s her youthful attitude that helped her through.
‘I’ve always been a resilient person and although I’ve had a lot of upsets in my life, they have made me stronger.’
These experiences have also made her grasp on tightly to life — and its many pleasures — while she can. She says: ‘While I’ve still got life in me, I want to keep living as fabulously as I can.’
Having retired at the age of 60 after a career in catering, Carol has travelled all over the world, despite being on her own.
She confides: ‘People think I’m great for my age and I feel sorry for my daughter sometimes because when I’m with her people ask if we are sisters.’
But like Pauline and Shirley, Carol Ann, as eligible as she clearly is, is yet to find that lucky man with whom to have a full and proper relationship.
Again it’s the elusive ‘ chemistry’ that evades her: ‘That’s the hardest thing to find. I have lots of men friends but I want that spark.’
Not that Carol Ann’s going to be giving up the search any time soon — regardless of how society might perceive her.
She maintains: ‘ It’s still really important to me to be seen as a vibrant, sexual woman.’
And I know there are many other older women who feel the same.
People say I must have been a looker once and that hurts Pauline, 70
I’ve men friends – but what I really want is that spark Carol Carol Ann, Ann, 71 71