Why does my husband refuse to give up work?

NOVELIST, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 62, answers your questions . . .

QMY HUSBAND is refusing to retire. We’re in our 60s and gave up our jobs two years ago. Initially, we took up several hobbies: he’d always wanted to try amateur photography, so we bought a new camera; we also went travelling for a few months.

It was a joy to be able to spend more quality time together — so I thought.

It turns out he has been feeling lost and lacking in purpose. Recently, he decided to go back to his old firm and take up a part-time consulting job. Now he is working virtually full-time again.

I really miss him and am starting to feel terribly lonely. Work is clearly important for his sense of self, but a big part of me can’t help resenting him. This was supposed to be our time. What can I do?

AI often think we should take classes in ‘how to be retired’. finding yourself suddenly adrift one Monday morning is tough.

You can think you’re ready for those long, leisurely days without work, doing all the things you promised yourself you’d do once you had the time. then it turns out that, for some of us, they were only really appealing if they were slightly out of reach.

Your husband’s dissatisfaction has nothing to do with how he feels about spending time with you.

His retirement means accepting the fact he’s reached a certain age — he might well be struggling with that fact alone.

He probably also thought he was a spontaneous chap, eager to embrace new activities. Instead, he might have found he was not the brilliant photographer he imagined he’d be and that he felt rather nervous without rigorous plans. the fact you were relishing your new lifestyle must have made him feel he was letting you down when he didn’t feel the same. It would have been easier for him to hide away at work rather than confront his worries and your disappointment. What is it about working that your husband enjoys? It might be the discipline of the office day, the companionship of colleagues, the sense of being needed. If you ask him to explain, then you can begin to understand what he fears losing. He might just need plenty of appointments in his diary rather than scary blank pages. But he’s not required to enjoy every second of retirement. While it’s great that his old company gave him work, they may not be thrilled to have him back full-time. If he does begin to sense they’d like to see less of him, or to feel disenchanted with being back at work, it’ll be difficult for him to tell you if you’re still angry with him. Let the fact you miss him encourage him to get closer to you, not drive him away. Your love and enjoyment of each other’s company won’t diminish because of this blip. And at least you’ll get to prepare all the more thoroughly for when he does actually leave work.