My mum has found a stand-in daughter . . .

NOVELIST, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 62, answers your questions . . .

Q WHEN I moved from Scotland to Cornwall, I knew my mother would be lonely. So I was delighted when she became close to a local family. The daughter is about my age and has children the same age as mine.

But over the years it’s as if she’s become my mother’s surrogate daughter. When we do come to stay in the summer, the house is filled with the other family. The ‘rival’ family have get-togethers and birthday parties at my mother’s house. They borrow books and DVDS, which are never returned, and drive her car.

I end up feeling like a stranger in my own mother’s home. I’m even starting to worry about my inheritance. Am I being selfish? A You know you are. But let’s unpick why. When you moved, full of worries but, rightly, determined to go, you might have wished for such a replacement for you and your family. But as with most things, the reality is tougher than the fantasy.

How did your relationship with this other family begin? Your mother might have understood if you’d suggested you have her to yourself for a while when you visit, but I suspect your guilt made you feel awkward about saying anything at first.

Your mother’s friendship has obviously moved from delightful interaction to co- dependency. Just as this woman is something of a stand-in daughter, so your mother is a kind of surrogate parent, too. If you seek to undermine the relationship, you’d upset your mother and create a rod for your own back.

I doubt the other family are deliberately exploiting your mother’s generosity. As you say, this situation has evolved over time, but you do need to establish boundaries. While it’s great to have someone look out for your mum, it’s hard to understand why they’re all staying over if they’re local. or why your mother is cutting them slack over things you’d have got stick for. I suspect it stems from habit, not malice. Why not start by contacting this woman directly? Tell her when you’re next going to visit. Make an actual plan for you all to get together, rather than having this casual arrangement where they just turn up. Spend some time with her on your own, if possible. If your mother isn’t unhappy with the way they treat her house as their own or borrow books or the car, then you’ll have to grit your teeth and let it happen, but you could find out if she’s getting anything in return. If she’s not having prescriptions collected (or whatever she needs), enlist this woman’s help with those sort of little tasks. Treat her as an accomplice, not a rival. You and your mother are avoiding discussing this as it would mean having to confront awkward truths about her missing you, and your guilty feelings. That conversation does need to happen. The idea that this family might completely disappear the moment you arrive home is unrealistic. However, I do think they could give you a bit of space.