Eek! My partner’s ex-wife won’t leave us alone
novelIst, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 62, answers your questions . . . Q I’VE met a wonderful man. We’ve been together for a year and I can really see a future with him. But there’s one big problem: his ex-wife is still very much on the scene.
They divorced four years ago, and, despite having no children together, have remained friends. When he first told me his break-up was amicable I was delighted, but I didn’t understand just how present she still is in his day-to-day life. She texts all the time and frequently sends little notes with newspaper clippings or messages with photos of things she thinks he’ll like. If he posts a picture of us on Facebook, on holiday or out for dinner, she will immediately text him about something unrelated.
He’s always visibly delighted to hear from her and tells me whenever a text lands — despite the fact I don’t always react well. I’m certain there’s nothing physical between them and they only see each other at his friends’ parties (to which she is still invited), but I can’t help feeling I’ll always be second best. Should I cut my losses now? A Warning! relationship crossroads ahead! Your man thinks he’s going along in a straight line, but your paths might diverge if you don’t use a map. it’s up to you to steer him carefully down the right path. if he’s worth having, then it’s worth going over a couple of bumps to get to the open road together.
He’s obviously a loyal man with a healthy attitude to divorce (‘keep it civilised’) and to women (‘ no need to be rude’). He’s also a creature of habit. as a rule, men tend to be guided by their womenfolk in matters and routines of the heart. it’s important you don’t make him feel he’s in the wrong. Simply make him aware that from now on there’s going to be a subtle shift in your attitude to all this contact. next time he gets a message from his ex, instead of reacting crossly, why not say you think it might be kinder to both you and her not to reply straight away? He’s clung on to this old relationship for a number of reasons, but after being divorced for four years, she — and he — should allow each other freedom to move on, whether or not there’s someone else in the frame. in time, i’m confident your man will put you and your feelings first, but if you criticise either his ex or his behaviour towards her now, you’ll only make him defensive. We won’t go in to his ex’s motives, but it’s neither kind to him nor to the two of you to cling on to him as she’s doing. Her behaviour is probably not intended to drive a wedge, rather to be a reminder that she’s still around. But remember: there’s no spark left between them. at the moment, you have the upper hand, but there are three of you in this divorce and you’re quite right to object. Time to reduce the number by one.