Sometimes, tough love is the answer
MY GOODNESS, did I get into trouble with one reader!
TC slammed last week’s reply to ‘ Tessa’ as ‘ harsh and uncaring’. Apparently, I’m ‘a right bitch’ and an ‘ignorant woman’. Why? Because when ‘Tessa’ complained that her husband never loved her, that her marriage is over, that he’s unfaithful, I was fairly brusque.
Reminding her about selffulfilling prophesies I said: ‘Please try to change your mindset. Investigate Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and try a couple of sessions with a local therapist. Do the exercise of “flipping” all your negative statements to make positive ones.’
Yes, I thought her too full of pessimism and self-pity. But TC thinks I should have called her husband a horrible man and advised her to kick him out.
According to this cross lady, I talk ‘hogwash’ and have no compassion at all. Yet I feel sad for TC, because it’s clear she’s been bitterly hurt, probably by a husband. And she speaks the truth: ‘Some people have no one, no money, no family, no friends, nowhere to turn.’
Indeed. And if only she could see some of my letters and witness my sorrow on reading them, she would not sneer at me for lack of compassion.
Nevertheless I think ‘tough love’ can be useful. Every week I could switch on auto-pilot along these lines: ‘Oh-you-poor-But I truly believe each of us (apart from those with mental health problems) can take control of our own life. Yes, even when things are very tough.
I don’t believe we should give in to the victimhood that seems to overwhelm so many people these days. This is about my respect for the individual.
If a friend is troubled, I don’t just murmur blandly: ‘Oh, that’s terrible.’ Instead, I try to work out the issue, saying: ‘Have you thought of it this way?’
Why should I treat my readers differently? Of course, each story is complex, yet sometimes a simple, bracing response can be very useful in pushing people to think and act.
Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, london W8 5TT, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. A pseudonym will be used if you wish. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.