Secret life of a little grey gentleman . . .

AMONSTER lives near us. He is destructive, annoying and has some rather objectionable habits. Yet we all sneakily admire him, for he is unutterably handsome and we all find him quite appealing. I think his last wife has deserted him, for he seems to be alone again. He has, to our knowledge, created two families, but his children are now far away and he doesn’t seem to care. It is plain he is seeking a new wife — the third we know of. But what arrogance! He expects the ladies to seek him out as if, just by being there and being obviously single, he will attract a female. He is not observed doing much throughout the winter, only exerting himself to get food when he’s hungry. I think he saves up his energy for courting, but he is very fond of gardening. However, he has other things on his mind and his behaviour is blatant. He’s all dolled up in his smart grey suit every morning and does energetic exercises. They seem to get him in the right mood for his daily bouts of unashamed showing off. He doesn’t care where he trespasses, yet no one is entirely certain where he sleeps at night. He was there as usual this morning at the bottom of my garden, among the abundance of tiny oak trees he has planted over the years — his secret store of winter food which he has not needed or has forgotten about. He twitched his furry tail as he chased a new wife through the trees. She was playing hard to get, but he knows how to get around that. He’s had plenty of practice. Una Dowding, Hucclecote, Glos.