The ( jolly brave) husbands who say their wives’ menopause is hell... for THEM!
TGary Durbin, 58, a civil servant, often wondered if his relationship with hairstylist Marie, 52, was worth preserving. The awful moods had descended with sudden and alarming intensity just a year after they met when Marie was 44.
Gary asked himself how the attractive, cheerful woman he’d fallen in love with had become such a monster. He felt utterly bewildered, cast adrift, alarmed. And then their once-healthy sex life dwindled to nothing.
‘When we first got together it was fantastic,’ he recalls. ‘Marie was incredibly vivacious; we thought we were made for one another. But then she started to behave erratically. At times she was downright unreasonable. She’d refuse to speak to me for no apparent reason.
‘Then she’d lose her temper with me for something as daft as making a noise with my knife and fork at mealtimes. I could never relax at home because her moods were explosive.
‘At seemingly random times of the day and night she’d fly off the handle. It got to the stage when I’d dread going home.
‘She’d swear black was white and became short-tempered and impossible to reason with.
‘Frankly it was a bit frightening — and of course very worrying. I used to wonder what was happening to her. She just wasn’t the woman I’d first met and fallen in love with.
‘At one point I thought perhaps we should split up. I wasn’t sure whether it was worth carrying on the relationship.’
Gary’s bafflement at his partner’s untoward and violent mood swings is understandable; they seemed all the more perturbing as there was apparently no explanation for them. HERE were times when Marie Lima’s temper was so explosive and unpredictable that her partner lived in fear of the next eruption. The slightest irritation — the scrape of a knife against a plate; an ill-judged remark — could provoke a sudden and disproportionate outburst.
BuT then Marie, who lives with Gary in Wanstead, North East London, went to her GP and a blood test revealed she was going through an early menopause at 46.
There was a reason — rooted in her fluctuating hormones — for her flare-ups of temper, and this diagnosis was both a profound comfort and a surprise to Gary.
‘It was a relief to discover there was actually an explanation for the dramatic change in Marie’s personality,’ he says.
‘I’d been ignorant of the possible symptoms of the menopause — added to which it was a surprise that Marie was going through it at a relatively early age — and I wish I’d known more.
‘It would have helped me understand what was going on and saved me a great deal of anxiety, because at the time I had no idea that underpinning her behaviour was a health issue.’
The diagnosis also provided an explanation for Marie’s loss of interest in sex.
‘She went off it completely,’ he recalls. ‘I couldn’t go near her or touch her at all.’ But the flagging libido and mood swings proved to be temporary.
Marie, after consulting with her doctor about HRT, opted instead to take natural supplements designed for menopausal women, and make lifestyle changes — including regular daily exercise — which have helped her manage her symptoms and restore the physical side of their relationship.
Her symptoms were not unusual. Typically women begin their menopause at 51, and while 70 per cent suffer debilitating changes — mood swings, anxiety, hot flushes, night sweats, vaginal dryness and loss of sex drive — often their husbands and partners are equally profoundly affected. They feel marginalised and baffled by the transformation they do not understand.
Maryon Stewart, an author and expert on women’s hormonal health, recognises this male ignorance and perplexity as a phenomenon in itself and has dubbed it the ‘men-o-pause’.
In new research she has conducted, more than threequarters of the men surveyed feel rejected, saddened or bewildered by the changes in their relationship with their wife or partner during her menopause.
Less than one-third feel able to talk to their spouse openly about this life change and a staggering 65 per cent of the men said they have little or no physical relationship with their partner since the menopause began.
Just 17 per cent of the men questioned said they had as much sex with their partner as before the change.
Maryon, who has been helping women through menopause for more than 26 years, believes problems are compounded because women do not fully understand — or want to admit — the momentous changes assailing them, and often feel loath to confide in their partners for fear of losing them.
‘The changes are beyond their comprehension and belief,’ she says. ‘ They feel miserable, exhausted by night sweats and sleeplessness, embarrassed by debilitating hot flushes; confused and isolated. It’s as if an alien has taken over their body.
‘Men have told me their wives have turned into hormonal monsters who are no longer interested in sex at all, and the tragedy is that a quarter of those who responded to our survey believe this is a permanent change; that they will never retrieve the woman they married or the sex life they once had.
‘It’s a disaster, and it’s compounded because women are often too afraid of jeopardising their marriages to admit that anything is wrong, or to talk about it. So relationships are wrecked because neither partner is empowered to redress the problems.’ There are, she insists, ways out of the morass. ‘What women desperately need is information to overcome their symptoms, while men need to know they’re not being rejected. ‘So my advice to men is: don’t take it personally. Offer hugs, comfort and reassurance. Support your partner in getting through this transition in her life — because it is temporary.’ Indeed, for Marie, knowing she was going through the menopause was both a revelation and an impetus for change. ‘ When I got the diagnosis it was a light- bulb moment,’ she says. ‘Since then, I’ve navigated my way through it with the help of supplements. I’ve embraced the fact that change is natural and part of being a woman. And I’m relieved Gary has stuck by me throughout it all.’ Even the strongest of marriages can be rocked by the seismic shocks of the menopause. Mario Caiafa, 56, a senior procurement manager from Newport, Essex, was alarmed by the arbitrary mood swings, irritability and loss of libido that assailed Hannah, his wife of 25 years, after a hysterectomy precipitated hers.
‘She was so unpredictable,’ he recalls. ‘She’d bite my head off for no real reason. She seemed determined to take every remark out of context. Even compliments were misconstrued. I’d say, “You look lovely”, and she’d snap, “You’re only saying that to make me feel better”.
‘Sometimes she was tearful; other times she’d scream. She gained weight and suffered low self- esteem, insomnia and anxiety.’
Mario, meanwhile, was plunged into his own men- o-pause: ‘I became wary, tired, anxious. I really wanted things to improve but I didn’t know how to help.
‘I suggested days out to break Hannah’s routine but she’d say she couldn’t be bothered to go out of the house.
‘We’d had an active sex life but everything dwindled then just stopped. I didn’t blame myself but I used to wonder if I was putting pressure on Hannah to get better.
‘ It was very difficult to be rational. If I tried to discuss how she was feeling, she’d say, “You
just don’t understand”. And I’d say, “I don’t, so please help me”. All I wanted to do was get my loveable, easy-going wife back. And our daughter Claudia, 24, would say, “Just bring Mum back”, too.’
Mario was sustained by the knowledge that their marriage was a strong one — both were committed to staying together — and by his belief that things actually would improve.
‘I took a positive stance. I knew Hannah would come through it but at the time it seemed to take an absolute age,’ he recalls.
HAnnAH tried HRT but found it compounded her symptoms, so opted for a natural approach to combatting them through nutritional supplements and daily exercise.
‘It wasn’t a magic bullet; the changes have been gradual and incremental,’ says Mario. ‘But it feels as if she’s over the worst. We can have rational discussions and she doesn’t fly off the handle now.
‘Our sex life has vastly improved, too. We enjoy each other’s company and that’s what counts.’
Is informing men about the menopause the key to couples weathering the dramatic changes it can bring? Mark Adams, 49, who works in the construction industry, was bemused by the dramatic transformation his wife Suzanne (now 45), underwent in her early 40s.
Mark and Suzanne, a carer, who live in Colchester, Essex, are parents to two grown-up children and have been together for 22 years. The woman Mark married was effervescent, outgoing, equable.
Then, it seemed, aliens usurped her old personality and made her panicky, irritable, depressed.
‘She stopped wanting to go out,’ he remembers. ‘She’d pick a fight over the smallest thing. She’d get incredibly wound up.
‘At times I was left speechless. If I’d left the lid off the teapot it was enough for her to lose it with me.
‘We went back and forth trying to get help for Suzanne — she was prescribed anti-depressants, then Valium — but she did not improve.
‘She was zapped of energy. She stopped working full-time, and she has horses but she didn’t even feel up to caring for them — it was left to me.’
Finally a blood test when Suzanne was 42 revealed she was experiencing the hormonal changes that precede the menopause. ‘It was such a relief to have an explanation for what was happening,’ says Mark.
Did he ever consider leaving Suzanne? He says the thought never occurred to him: ‘ I just wanted to help her get through it and get my wife back.’
Others are less forgiving. For one anonymous respondent in Maryon Stuart’s survey, patience and tolerant understanding proved helpful to his wife but failed entirely to improve his own journey through the men-o-pause.
‘I took pains to research as much as I could about its effects and I support my wife in every way humanly possible as she goes through it — however it doesn’t change her, it doesn’t make our relationship better, and it doesn’t bring back who she once was — and she is growing increasingly worse,’ he writes.
‘Being understanding and supportive is necessary if anyone wants a relationship to survive, but it is a very one-sided approach that only helps her and not me or anyone else in the family.
‘A serious question: how long should we all hang on to what are basically abusive relationships in the name of being supportive?
‘What about support for us? It really doesn’t follow that the nicer we are to our wives the nicer they will be in return. ‘If you can tell me how to get my wife back, how to stop her being an aggressive, spiteful harridan no matter what I do, then I’m in.
‘If I just have to suck it up or be told I’m uncaring and selfish; that it’s not about me, then I’ll pass. Just a final thought: if women could be told, “The menopause isn’t a blanket excuse for your bad behaviour”, that would be great, thanks.’
Maryon Stuart remains irrepressibly positive. She offers this response:
‘By making changes to her diet, adding more exercise to her routine and meditating daily, your partner can start to look and feel better.
‘Will life ever be the same again? The good news is that with help your partner can overcome many of these symptoms with simple diet and lifestyle adjustments.
‘With lots of encouragement and support you can get back the girl you fell in love with . . . In fact, maybe a new and improved model with a spring in her step.’