Will my sweetheart ever leave his wife?

DEAR BEL, MORE than 40 years ago, I fell for a sweet boy. We got engaged, he enlisted, was sent abroad, I met someone else and broke it off.

We each dated another person for a couple of years, but our love brought us back together. We were going to try again when his brother convinced him to stay with the other girl.

Now in our 60s, they’re still married, with adult children. He contacted me a year ago to say he shouldn’t have listened to his brother and he wants to leave his wife for me. She’s done nothing wrong, he just doesn’t love her.

He said it would take him two years to leave her and asked me to wait. I agreed. A year on, he’s made no effort to get out of the marriage, but is clever in sneaking to me without the wife realising. I now wonder if he intends to leave. And, if he does, will I ever not feel guilty about our deception? If we marry, can I trust him to be faithful?

Perhaps I should get out, but I love him so much! He begs for the extra year, but if he hasn’t filed for divorce yet, I don’t see how this is possible. Because of his wife’s age, he feels obliged to ensure she’s taken care of for the rest of her life. I can understand this, but don’t know if I can live with it.

This is a man leaving his innocent wife because he and I made a mistake more than 40 years ago. Relatives say this is our chance to be together, but it’s not easy starting again at 60.

I’ve often asked if he’s certain. I’m the only one faltering. I want to be with him, but am not sure I can be happy in the aftermath. KATHY

This makes me think of novels. Long-lost lovers meet again and realise they were never out of love . . . yes, this is hollywood, but also George Eliot. Not to mention the story of Prince Charles and Camilla. The greatest novelists, the finest poets and the cheesiest of screenwriters know there are no rules when it comes to the human heart. A storyline like this is pure gold.

Unless, that is, you happen to be the one who will be hurt. Then the gold dust inflicts terrible damage.

With my former novelist and one-time screenwriter hat on, i could write this myself — but would i give you a happy ending? There’s your problem. The way you tell it, somebody is bound to be wounded, whatever happens.

i’ll jump to your two direct questions. You ask if you could trust him to be faithful — were you to marry — and my instinct says yes. This man loved you when you were young, but you ditched him. he thinks of you as the love of his life and i don’t see why you should disbelieve him.

Witnessing the ease with which he’s ‘sneaking’ to meet up with you, his mistress, you harbour dark suspicions that this could become a habit. i doubt it, you know. You are the one he wants. You always were. That’s why he’s determined to make it happen.

But do you still want him at any price? Your other direct question is whether you would ever lose the guilt . . .and my answer is — no, probably not.

You’re already critical of him for (a) not sounding too bothered about hurting his wife (b) not doing anything to speed up the process, yet (c) being honest enough to tell you that he will go on providing for the woman he intends to wrong.

if he does leave her and you do stay with him, you must realise that you’ll also take on his whole family. You have no partner (it seems), but he is part of an extended unit. This is not youthful romance any more — but messy mature love, involving guilt, regret, recrimination, responsibility.

The subject line of your email asks if this is a mistress’s dream or nightmare. Using the old term ‘ mistress’ shows how much you hate it.

i sympathise with your love and your ambivalence, but naturally pity the deceived wife. The time for ‘ sneaking’ is over. he

must tell her what’s going on and then the story will unfold. You have to insist — and pray the consequences are not too painful. But i cannot predict the ending.