MARTIN SAMUEL 2017 QUIZ OF THE YEAR
Mario’s £1m bonus, why Noel loves City ... and a punchline for Davy the jockey
WHOSE name was considered too risqué for Blackpool? Who rejected Birmingham City for a career in porn? And why might it matter if your goalkeeper is a duck- billed platypus? All this and more in our sports quiz of 2017. And, don’t forget, if in doubt, just write D.
JANUARY
1. Why did Arsene Wenger not go down the tunnel after being sent off against Burnley?
a) Steve Bould had tied his shoelaces together, for a laugh
b) Tunnel? What tunnel? I saw no tunnel
c) He thought the referee was a stripper-gram, like in that episode of Only Fools and Horses, with Del Boy and the policewoman
d) He claimed he didn’t know where to go at the Emirates Stadium, which he helped design
2. Sir Bradley Wiggins’ reputation suffered because of jiffy bags and TUEs. But, since 2009, can you spot cycling’s Russian drug cheats in this list?
a) Ekaterina Gnidenko, Ilnur Zakarin, Olga Zabelinskaya and Sergey Shilov
b) Denis Menchov, Petr Ignatenko, Alexander Serebryakov and Denis Galimzyanov
c) Alexey Shmidt, Alexey Lomilov, Ekaterina Anoshina and Victoria Baranova
d) All of them 3. Vitaly Mutko, Russian deputy prime minister, said the positive testosterone tests of two Russian female ice hockey players could be explained by them recently having sexual intercourse, with men. This was incorrect because:
a) They don’t play for that team, Vitaly, if you get the drift
b) By the time you’ve got those uniforms off, the moment’s gone. Particularly the goalkeeper. Sorry, love
c) It’s just too cold in Star oniz he steb li yevs kay a for any of your funny stuff, sunshine
d) They’re not platypus or echidna, egg-laying mammals and the only creatures that could actually be affected this way
FEBRUARY
4. Claudio Ranieri had his employers’ ‘unwavering support’ at Leicester. How long was that, in finite terms? a) Until the end of his contract b) Until the end of the season c) Until the 12th of never, and that’s a long, long time
d) 16 days 5. Staff at Sunderland were told they would face redundancy in the event of relegation. Where was the first team squad at that time? a) At the training ground b) At the dogs c) At a Royal Opera House production of Die Meistersinger von Nurnberg
d) New York, on a team bonding trip
6. So damaged is the reputation of the IOC, which location decided by a 60 per cent majority not to bid for the 2026 Winter Olympics? a) Cleethorpes b) Neasden c) Clacton d) St Moritz 7. The FA was lambasted in parliament for its lack of diversity. At the time, on Damian Collins’ Select Committee for Culture, Media and Sport, women were outnumbered by… a) Men b) White men c) White men aged between 43 and 56
d) White men aged between 43 and 56, called Nigel 8. Nick Davies, former aide to Lord Coe, was found by the IAAF not to have acted ‘in any way corruptly’. Had he… a) Taken a $30,000 bribe to bury bad news of positive Russian drug tests b) Deposited a bribe in his personal bank account c) Lied about receiving a bribe to investigators d) Yep, the lot
MARCH
9. John Inverdale was branded sexist on social media for saying the Duchess of Cambridge might be struggling to understand the conclusion of the Six Nations game between Wales and France. What gave this notorious chauvinist pig that idea? a) A record 19 minutes and 55 seconds additional time b) Eight penalties, one free-kick, 12 scrummages, one dismissal to the sin bin in the 82nd minute, an accusation of biting, a counterclaim that the victim bit himself, a player going off for a head injury who turned out to have a bad back but left anyway, the quite legal reappearance of the player sent to the sin bin two minutes after normal play had ended, and ultimately the winning score c) The fact seasoned rugby observers including French coach Guy Noves, 63, admitted having no clue what was going on d) All of the above
APRIL
10. At the ANA Inspiring Women in Sports conference in California, what did the 294-word profile of guest Maria Sharapova curiously omit? a) Her two-month stint in panto at Scarborough b) Her priceless collection of Tommy Cooper memorabilia c) Her love of bluegrass music d) Her suspension for taking banned substance meldonium
MAY
11. Harry Redknapp’s attempt to bring Benoit Assou-Ekotto to Birmingham was held up because:
a) He was stuck 14 hours in a traffic jam on the M6
b) The favourite lost the 3.15 at Newbury, and that was sort of financing it
c) Birmingham’s owners, Trillion Trophy Asia, wanted someone more famous. Like Pele; or Bobby Moore
d) Assou-Ekoto was considering a career in pornographic films Which of the following results were achieved by much sought after managerial genius, Marco Silva, in May? a) Hull 0 Sunderland 2 b) Crystal Palace 4 Hull 0 c) Hull 1 Tottenham 7 d) All of them
JUNE
13. As revealed by Soccer Leaks, how could Mario Balotelli earn a £1m bonus at Liverpool? a) By not interpreting Brendan Rodgers’ tactical briefings through the medium of jazz dance b) By not launching fireworks while sitting on the bench c) By not arriving for training in a stolen police car d) By not getting sent off three times in one season
JULY
14. Commenting on Ross Barkley, former England manager Roy Hodgson insisted: ‘If he can find a club where people believe in him as much as we did in the England set-up he will do well.’ How many minutes of the 2016 European Championship did Barkley actually play under believer Hodgson? a) 360 b) 270 c) 90 d) 0 15. In their drawn series with New Zealand, how many minutes of the 240 played were the British and Irish Lions ahead? a) 150 b) 100 c) 75 d) 3 16. The longest serving player at Chelsea is reserve goalkeeper, Matej Delac, under contract since September 2009.
Which of these clubs has he never played for? a) Inter Zapresic b) Dynamo Ceske Budejovice c) Excel Mouscron d) Chelsea 17. What was, according to people’s favourite Mo Farah, ‘something out of nothing’?
a) The selfie he said was with Liam Gallagher, that was actually with his brother Noel b) Getting that doorbell fixed c) Whatever was on last night’s Panorama
d) An IAAF test from November 23, 2015, marked ‘Likely doping’
18. What did Steven Caulker’s agent and his club, Queens Park Rangers, think would help his depression, caused by addictions to gambling and alcohol? a) Some jazz Woodbines b) A good hiding c) A check up from the neck up
d) A move to Lokomotiv Moscow
AUGUST
19. How did Irish jockey Davy Russell attempt to get the best out of his horse, King’s Dolly?
a) He whispered in its ears, he has that gift you know
b) Sugar cubes. Sometimes the old ways are the best
c) Gentle use of the whip. But not too much, mind, we’re not barbarians d) He punched it 20. Liverpool missed out on their primary transfer target, Virgil van Dijk, a centre half. Instead they bought:
a) A fortnight’s holiday in Benidorm
b) Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd’s Bush
c) Every copy of the documentary Being: Liverpool, and burned them
d) A wide forward, a full back, a striker and two midfielders
21. Arsenal turned down £10m from West Brom for Kieran Gibbs. They later sold him to the same club for:
a) A fortnight’s holiday in Benidorm
b) Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd’s Bush c) £20m d) £7m 22. Cameron Norrie had a brief run at the US Open and was acclaimed as the rising star of British tennis. Which of the following statements about him is true?
a) He was born in South Africa b) He was raised in New Zealand c) He went to college in the United States, where he now lives d) All of them 23. What distinguished Qatari gold medallist high jumper Mutaz Essa Barshim at the 2017 World Athletics Championships? a) His pogo stick b) His banjo c) He insisted on being called Susan d) He is the first medallist from his nation to actually be born there
SEPTEMBER
24. What did Pep Guardiola call Tottenham that upset them so? a) Proper bottlejobs b) Proper handjobs c) The hara-kiri team d) The Harry Kane team 25. Given Wayne Rooney’s personal circumstances, the name of Everton’s new sleeve sponsor caused much merriment. Was it… a) Kinko b) Lego c) FCUK d) Angry Birds
OCTOBER
26. Sergio Aguero had a car accident on his day off. Where was he? a) Waitrose in Nantwich b) A 14-hour traffic jam on the M6 c) Picking Mario Balotelli up from A&E following a bizarre jazz dance accident d) Returning from a pop concert in Amsterdam, having hired a private plane for the day 27. Arsenal failed to reach the Champions League for the first time since 1997-98. At the AGM it was announced chief executive Ivan Gazidis had received… a) A slap b) A horse’s head c) A vanload of dead badgers d) A £919,000 bonus on top of his £2.6m annual salary. 28. How many footballers wanted to meet FA chairman Greg Clarke in the middle of nowhere for a cup of coffee to discuss homosexuality in football? a) Not as many as he’d like b) Not as many as you’d think c) Terry Hurlock d) Not one, according to Clarke
NOVEMBER
29. On November 18, England beat Australia at Twickenham 30- 6, the biggest victory in matches between the sides. It was England’s fifth straight win against Australia, including three away games.
Which of the following opinions did not appear in the report printed by The Australian newspaper?
a) The Wallabies are building nicely for the World Cup. Australia seem to be better placed than for any previous World Cup. The pressure is building on the England side and Eddie Jones’ tetchiness when asked about his team’s good luck suggests he is more aware of this than anyone.
b) The bald statistics support what is becoming increasingly obvious to the naked eye — the Wallabies are building a squad that has the ability to do Australia proud in two years’ time. They pushed England to the limit at Twickenham.
c) The days of England bossing Australia at the scrum are long gone, as the wistfulness in the voices of the English commentators yesterday attested. Australians should savour next weekend’s Test against Scotland at Murrayfield.
d) Blimey, we really got our a***s handed to us in a high hat this time, mate. You’d have to be more one- eyed than Cyclops’ big brother to take the positives from this one.
30. What was the score when hot World Cup favourites Australia then played Scotland at Murrayfield a week later?
a) Scotland 0 Australia 1,000,000 b) Scotland 0 Australia 536 c) Scotland 0 Australia 24 d) Scotland 53 Australia 24 31. What explanation did Cameron Bancroft give for not being fazed by Jonny Bairstow’s headbutt greeting?
a) He was too spannered to notice
b) He was wearing a diver’s helmet, for comic effect
c) He’s been out in Australia on a Friday before — that’s not the half of it
d) He’s got the heaviest head in the Western Australia team
32. Why couldn’t Ben Toner referee Blackpool’s match with Portsmouth?
a) He was stuck in a 14-hour traffic jam on the M6
b) He took a detour to see the lights and missed kick-off c) It was his darts night
d) Blackpool custodians the Oystons had just gone down the road in the High Court for £31m, and the Football League thought the puns would be irresistible
33. How did Lisa Evans, wife of Northern Ireland international Corry, conclude a Twitter post that claimed the referee of the World Cup qualifier with Switzerland was ‘a Romanian gypsy c***’, an ‘ungrateful t***’ and had ‘smelly relatives’? a) Yours in sport b) Sealed with a kiss c) Vote Remain d) Onwards and upwards
DECEMBER
34. Why is the current Manchester City team Noel Gallagher’s favourite of all time?
a) Because they caused Gary Neville to have a meltdown in the studio during the Manchester derby
b) Because they played Noel’s song Don’t Look Back In Anger loudly in the dressing room to celebrate their win
c) That this annoyed Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho so much he came in and ‘ got his head kicked in’ by Manchester City’s goalkeeper d) All of the above 35. West Ham owner David Sullivan told The Guardian his sons had counselled him: a) Nobody wears hats b) It’s football, Dad — why not go with something a little less sparkly?
c) Actually, you might not like it, but The Dildo Brothers is a really great name for a band
d) Not to buy Jose Fonte, a player who was still at the club, and could yet be needed in the fight against relegation
Answers: D — all of them. But, then, you knew that, didn’t you? Happy holidays one and all.