Sir Des has got the rigid knee joints of a flamingo

UNDER-INFORMED sorts recently attacked Sir Desmond Swayne for falling asleep in the Commons during a pro-EU speech by Kenneth Clarke (Con, Rushcliffe). They said he was a silly old fool, disgrace to his station, etc.

This was unfair on at least two counts. First, Ken Clarke long ago became a broken record. Second, Sir Desmond is the most succinct person at Westminster.

He is the very opposite of a droner – and by jingo, we have those. Take the Scots Nats’ Joanna Cherry. Stickiest of stultifiers. It is a testament to Scots stoicism that her fellow SNPers have put up with her so long.

Or take Bob Neill (Con, Bromley and Chislehurst), who combines prosaic burbling with an insistent Europhilia. It is a deadly combination. Members of his local Tory association must go into the airline emergency-landing position when Bob the Bore starts his afterdinner speeches.

While other MPs throw forth blizzards of words, Sir Desmond’s questions are rarely longer than ten words. Jab jab. They leave ministers dizzy, seldom able to think of waffle in reply.

Like the late Tam Dalyell, Sir Desmond has worked out that the deadliest two questions you can ask in the Commons are ‘why?’ and ‘why not?’.

He was at it again yesterday. The day had begun with Questions to Brexit Ministers – David Davis and his young trio of suave Robin Walker, the estimable Steve Baker and newcomer Suella Fernandes.

Sir Desmond, a vigorous Leaver, has for some time been probing the proposed ‘ transition’ period which will occur after we legally gain our liberation from the European Empire in 13 months’ time.

He suspects – who is to say that he is wrong? – that this is an untrustworthy political wheeze, established either to placate procrastinators or to give Remainers a sliver of an opportunity to reverse Brexit.

In the middle of a verbose Commons debate at the start of the week, Sir Desmond snapped to his feet – he has the rigid knee joints of a flamingo – and briskly asked: ‘ What negotiations, if any, will continue into the implementation period?’

With that he resumed his seat as fast as a deckchair collapsing. The whole question had taken perhaps four seconds. That’s shorter than one of Sir Keir Starmer’s pauses.

The minister at the despatch box that day was young Walker – plausible if still a bit bum-fluffed. He’s not all bad, Mr Walker. He has weathered prolonged and hyperbolic assaults from Blairites and pro- Brussels Tories such as Anna Soubry over recent weeks. But he does have a tendency to the opaque.

Startled by Sir Desmond’s brevity, he had to blurt out a flaccid reply which began with the words ‘we have always been very clear’.

That is invariably a signal that a minister is flailing.

YESTERDAySir Desmond returned to this dubious matter of the transition period which, we keep being told, will last for some two years (and will effectively chain us to the wreck of the EU during that time, even though we will no longer be members).

This time the minister at the despatch box was Mr Davis whose opening sally had begun with the words ‘as I have said before’.

That means ‘I have tried to flog Hon Members this before but it has not been believed’.

He said the transition period might last 21 months. Sir Desmond, with a quivering boing, was found to be on his feet. He opened his mouth and spat out four words: ‘ Could it be shorter?’ End of question.

Mr Davis clambered back to the despatch box and replied with almost equal brevity: ‘If I accept the European Commission proposal, then yes.’

Mr Davis could make himself a lot of friends in the country – and in the parliamentary Tory party, which will at some point select the candidates for the next party leadership election – if he pushed for a shorter transition. The sooner we are shot of Brussels, the sooner our currently unhinged political elite will recover its equilibrium.