Help! He’s moved his friend’s wife into our home

Solve your sex, love & life troubles

In THEIR column for Inspire, TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 53, draw on 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .

QI RECENTLY broke up with my boyfriend of a year. It all started to go wrong four months ago, when he allowed his friend’s wife to move in after they split up. He did ask me if it was OK — but she was only supposed to stay a few weeks. She ended up losing her job and never left. When I brought it up, he accused me of being unreasonable and jealous — I even went to see a counsellor to overcome my ‘trust issues’. Up to this point, we’d rarely argued and I thought our relationship was going well. In the end, I left him. He told me he loved me and that he’d never felt as comfortable with anyone else, but then he did nothing. Please help me, I want him back.

DOM SAYS:

When I read your letter, I was saddened by your plight. I fear this is going to be a difficult time for you.

There’s an old saying, ‘If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.’ I’m afraid you have to face the fact that it’s now February, you split up before Christmas and your boyfriend hasn’t tried to get back together with you.

While this saddens me, it doesn’t surprise me. It is, of course, possible to see your ex- boyfriend’s gesture as an incredibly kind and decent act. For him to help a damsel in distress in such a way is an extraordinary gesture. But it was the wrong one.

There are a million reasons why an unmarried man should never accommodate another man’s wife — not least because the friend won’t appreciate him being a sympathetic ear for the wife’s complaints.

But, having made his grand gesture, he should certainly have asked her to move out after a short while. And, if she’d moved in in good faith, she certainly would have done so. The fact she’s still there makes me think you’re dealing with a cuckoo in the nest. I suspect she’s been holding a candle for your chap for quite some time.

I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that there’s more to this than meets the eye.

Why, for example, did she choose to move in with her husband’s male friend and not a girlfriend of her own? She must have had other options.

Is it possible that something has been going on between them from the start? Even if it hasn’t, I think you need to face the fact it’s likely they’ll become an item, especially now that they’ve been living under the same roof for a while.

They only need to bump into each other in the bathroom in the middle of the night for something to happen. I know you say you want him back. And I know this is going to be a tough time for you, but it really is better to have found out sooner rather than later.

Forget fish in the sea, there are plenty more birds in the sky. You need to spread your own wings now and find true love.

no matter how much it hurts, nobody wants to be with someone who doesn’t truly love them back.

STEPH SAYS:

I really feel for you. Another woman has come into what was your space and kicked you out. It’s horrible and it should never have happened. At the very least it’s terribly selfish of the other woman to have put you in this position.

But it’s not really about her. The underlying thing here is that your ex was simply not committed to you.

If he had been, he’d have tried to solve the problem. He’d have done anything — anything at all — to stop you from going.

You’ve been incredibly patient, caring and kind. You sound truly lovely and clearly have a sweet nature, but the fact is he hasn’t stood by you.

You went to a huge amount of effort to try to sort this out — even going alone to see a counsellor. This can be an absolutely brutal experience, and it’s one you were prepared to put yourself through to save the relationship. For you to undergo all of that and him not even to meet you halfway is pathetic. You showed him how hard you were trying.

You say you broke up with your boyfriend because you were unable to come to terms with the way things were. Well, there’s nothing wrong with that!

You weren’t jealous or angry, you were simply in an intolerable situation. I don’t think you have a problem with trust. I think you were absolutely right not to trust this situation.

Men can be so weak. In general, they don’t want to upset women, but in choosing not to upset his mate’s wife, he’s devastated you. One last thing: you say he’d never felt as ‘ comfortable’ with anyone else as he had with you.

This is where I think you’re going wrong. ‘Comfortable’ is an old pair of socks. Can’t live without you. Can’t breathe unless you’re in the same room — that’s what you want.

He shouldn’t feel comfortable with you. He should feel his heart beating out of his chest in desperation to stop your pain.

You were right to leave him. I know this is not what you want to hear right now. I know it feels terrible.

But I think — eventually — that you might even turn out to be grateful to this woman.

She was incredibly lucky that your ex-boyfriend took her in — but so were you. He has showed you he’s not committed to you, and you have made your escape. Keep going.

IF YOU have a question you’d like Steph and Dom to tackle, write to stephanddom@ dailymail.co.uk