. . . and those who say they have NEVER been in love!
A top marriage counsellor explains why romantic novels may be to blame
FALL madly in love with the right man at the right time, settle down, tie the knot and have children. This deceptively simple life narrative is engrained in us from childhood. But what happens if it eludes you?
We’ve heard from women who’ve never done the settling down part or who’ve never had children — or both. But what happens if it’s the first stage that evades you? You’ve married, had children even, without ever having been ‘in love’.
You might think that kind of commitment doesn’t happen without the trigger of feeling hopelessly, obsessively crazy about someone. That opening your heart, home, bank account and entire future to a relative stranger is only possible because of that initial being ‘in love’ stage where you’re unable to think of anything else but the object of your desire.
A growing number of mid-life women, however, admit to skipping that part — marrying and having children anyway. As a marital therapist with 30 years experience, it’s perhaps less surprising that by the time I hear from such women said marriages aren’t in the best of health.
They often put the lack of the ‘thunderbolt’ moment down to bad luck, never having stumbled across Mr Right. But I’d say there are three far more plausible reasons, all exacerbated by modern life.
The first striking reason that there’s now a growing number of women who insist they’ve never been in love is the fall-out of the divorce epidemic which began in the Eighties.
The children caught in the crossfire of these broken relationships are now firmly in their 40s and often what they witnessed in childhood leaves them unwittingly terrified of love.
SOME women are deeply affected by their teenage relationships which are often with the attractive ‘bad boy’ or ‘player’ who breaks their heart. This is just as likely to leave them building boundaries around their hearts.
The other profound legacy is those who have been sold a pup by idealistic novels and Hollywood romcoms — hanging out for those life- changing fireworks means everyone falls short.
Sadie Quinton, a 47-year-old PA from oxfordshire, admits to devouring piles of romantic novels passed on to her by her aunt and grandmother.
She daydreamed that in adulthood she’d be lucky enough to experience the same headspinning, heart-thumping moments of romance as the fictitious female characters she read about.
All these years on, despite having four children aged six to 14 by two different partners and often going on dates, she says: ‘I’ve never experienced the warmth and all-consuming emotion we associate with romantic love.’
That’s not to say that she’s cold, or that she doesn’t have feelings: ‘I simply haven’t ever felt any powerful romantic feelings towards a man, much as I would love to.’
She continues: ‘All the stories I read — and still do — send out a message that you’ll grow up and fall hopelessly in love, so that was my expectation. The reality has been disappointingly different.’
Her eldest son was ‘the result of a fling on holiday in Gibraltar when I was 33’. She admits: ‘I can’t call it a holiday romance because it wasn’t.’
She subsequently met the man who is father to her three other children about ten years ago when her car broke down.
Sadie recalls: ‘He came to my rescue as the recovery driver. on paper, it could be the storyline straight out of one of my romantic novels. But our relationship was based on lust and I subsequently discovered that he was a player and a narcissist.
‘He frequently told me that I’d never find anyone as good in bed as he was. I’d only slept with three other men before I met him when I was 37 so I was easily convinced by his words.
‘Did I love him? He was the father of my children. But there were never any warm, romantic feelings or gestures on either side.’
Sadie’s experience illustrates the fine line between the passionate Heathcliff-type lover and a man with more controlling tendencies. But it’s the fact that she was attracted to this type of man in the first place that speaks volumes.
Sadie’s father walked out when she was a child, which hurt her deeply and caused her to ‘push men away’ in her 20s.
When you speak to women who’ve had relationships with seemingly besotted, sexual braggarts, they often admit to having had doubts from the start.
A holiday romance has the odds stacked against it, so too does a relationship with a man who brags about his sexual performance to that extent. Having learnt that love can be a dangerous thing, Sadie subconsciously sought out unsuitable types — thus confirming her beliefs.
Emotional trauma can disable your ability to be ‘in love’. There must be trust and security, not only in the other person, but in yourself for romance to flourish.
But the good news is there is no better time than mid- life to dismantle pyschological barriers put up in childhood or during the teen years. Some choose to tackle these head- on, either through therapy or trying to understand what makes them tick, learning to take down their barriers at last.
others bury them, lurching instead into full-blown mid-life crisis. If you’d rather take the former path, understanding what being ‘in love’ actually means is a good starting point. After all, we have one word for a whole set of entirely different feelings.
LISA HUNTER, 47, is another who says ‘never in my life have I felt that all- consuming, overwhelming feeling of romantic love and attraction people talk about’.
The founder and owner of a domestic services company, she lives in Hertfordshire with her sons aged 23 and 25. She says: ‘I met their father when I was 17, married him at 23 and divorced him at 27, and looking back now through grown-up eyes, it wasn’t a warm or happy relationship.
‘In my naivety I tried to force romance into the marriage because I was so desperate to be on the receiving end of it.
‘ I’d leave little notes in his sandwich box but they weren’t heartfelt on my part, and my efforts to make our relationship romantic weren’t reciprocated. I was basically begging him for love.
‘He was my first boyfriend, I was a virgin when I met him and had my children with him. I didn’t know any different.’
It strikes me that lisa wasn’t hurt in her childhood but by her formative experience of love. lisa says: ‘After my marriage ended, I had a three-year relationship with a man, but there weren’t any “I love yous”, we didn’t move in together and there was no warmth.
‘But at the time I deemed the relationship perfect purely because we didn’t argue, as my husband and I had done. I’ve had dates with men over the years but I’ve become very guarded and it puts them off. I’ve been on my own for so long now that I’m quite choosy.
‘I’d just like to be wooed by a man and for there to be an equal longing to be with one another. It’s certainly not that I’m a romantic in not wanting or feeling able to be, it’s just never happened for me.’
Interestingly, lisa holds her parents up as having the ideal marriage. She says: ‘Even aged 84 and 73 my own parents still say: “I love you” to one another a dozen times a day and there is such affection between them. That’s what I call romantic and what I aspire to.’
Her parents are clearly in a phase of a relationship I call ‘renewal’, which echoes the heady love of the infatuation stage that has eluded lisa so many times. Couples often feel a renewed wave of love for each other if their relationship has lasted this long.
Remember how the film When Harry Met Sally kept cutting to old couples talking like young lovers?
But it can be difficult for their mid-life children to witness this lovey- doveyness if their lives haven’t turned out like that. lisa jokes of her parents: ‘Sometimes you look at them hand in hand and think: “Give us a break . . .” ’
Sadly, her conclusion is to call off
her own search for a similar bond. ‘ I’m done trying to find romance,’ she says, candidly.
At her children’s insistence, she has tried internet dating but says the ‘swipe’ culture just isn’t for her.
The internet is another modern phenomenon which makes it hard for women to fall in love. It has turned dating into another form of shopping. no need to focus on this date when there are so many round the corner. I always advise giving a person at least three dates — unless obviously unsuitable — before dismissing them. This is practically unheard of these days.
Blu Cantrell, 42, a healthcare professional from wiltshire, also feels short- changed by the modern dating landscape.
Despite having married, and subsequently divorced, she insists: ‘I have never been in love or felt romantic attraction. Even I can’t fathom why. It’s certainly not a defence mechanism; I would dearly love to fall head over heels with a man for the first time in my life.
‘Sexual attraction is completely different and has never eluded me. But where much is made of women not being able to separate sex from emotion, sex doesn’t make me feel romantic attachment to men.’
In my experience people often separate love and sex for just that reason — it becomes a defence against falling in love.
MEN are often the ones to do this in line with society’s expectations of them whereas women have been taught the opposite — that they should focus on hearts, flowers, romance rather than sex — so often feel guilty about this.
Blu goes on to say: ‘not having been in love bothers me. Although I do go on dates for drinks or dinner, I rarely get past the second one before calling it a day. I don’t blame anyone else for my lack of feelings, it can only be down to me.’
like Sadie Quinton, though, she hasn’t given up hope. Sadie concludes: ‘I still believe in romance. My friend’s father recently remarried and is deliriously, romantically in love at the age of 70, so I live in hope. I’d love to know how it feels and don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering.’
And there is good news for Sadie. If you’re willing to exorcise the ghosts from the past and allow things time to develop, it really is never too late to fall in love.
I Love You But I’m Not In love With You by andrew G. marshall (£7.99, Bloomsbury). see andrewgmarshall.com.
Interviews by Sadie Nicholas