Daily Mail

‘He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup’

WHY NOEL’S BEATING BROTHER LIAM IN THE WARS OF THE GALLAGHERS

- www.dailymail.co.uk/craigbrown Craig Brown

At school, there were many subjects I found hard to master, among them oxbow lakes, gerunds, photosynth­esis, the Wars of the Roses, long division and iron ore.

But in one respect, at least, we were luckier than the schoolchil­dren of today. At least we didn’t have to master the vexed topic of the Wars of the Gallaghers. g

By my reckoning, the feud between Noel ( inset right) and liam (below) has now been going on in public since 1994, when they first shot to fame in their band oasis. this was a full 24 years ago, which means it has already lasted four times as long as World War II, with still no end in sight.

of course, this is just t their public feud: no o doubt rock historians s would be able to date e the origins back as far r as 1975, when liam, the younger brother, would have been three years old, so able and willing to hit Noel over the head with a Dinky toy.

some 43 years on, the brothers are still at it. Perhaps in response to Noel describing him as ‘ the village idiot’, liam has now extended his field of hostilitie­s to include Noel’s wife sara MacDonald.

Not long ago, he called her a witch and said she had ‘a screw loose’. Being less incisive than his elder sibling, liam favours a more scattergun approach. A couple of days ago, he tweeted: ‘I need to let the world know she’s up there with Putin.’

he has also compared Noel and sara to Fred and Rose West. It doesn’t bode well for the next Gallagher family get-together.

the odd thing about liam Gallagher is that, after all those years of practice, his insults remain as weak as his spelling. towards the end of last year, he tweeted Noel: ‘Your done rkid the people have got your number.’

can’t he do better than that? It is as though someone who has spent a lifetime training for the tour de France still needs stabiliser­s to stay upright on a bicycle.

his insults to non- family members are equally feeble. of chris Martin: ‘ he looks like a geography teacher.’

of Paul Weller: ‘More overrated than Alton towers.’

oscar Wilde he is not. And beyond the realm of profession­al jealousy, his range of interests is sorely limited. ‘ there’s only 2 sauces worth there wait in gold that’s hP and hEINZ the rest can kiss my a***’, was one of his recent tweets.

No doubt liam’s supporters would argue that to look for wit in a r rock star is like sea searching for pearls in a rice pudding. th there is plenty of ev evidence for this ar argument. At the he height of punk, Gyles Br Brandreth bumped in into Johnny Rotten inMM in the lobby of the Midland hotel, Manchester. Brandreth dr relates their sc scratchy encounter in his diaries. ‘ oh, M Mr Rotten,’ I cooed, ‘w ‘what an honour to m meet you.’

‘F*** off, f***face,’ h he replied.’

Yet there are still on one or two rock star w witticisms worth tr treasuring. A fan on once came up to B Bob Dylan and said, ‘Y ‘You know, Bob, it’s ki kinda funny: I know ev everything about yo you, but you know no nothing about me.’

‘l ‘let’s keep it that wao way,’ replied Dylan.

on another occasion, s io Dylan was ap approached by a stra stranger at a festival. ‘hello, Bob. I’m Peter Grant. I manage led Zeppelin.’

to which Dylan replied: ‘I don’t come to you with my problems, do I?’

Most rock stars are better at receiving insults than dishing them out. Bumping into Mick Jagger at a party, the flamboyant jazz singer George Melly said: ‘My goodness, Mick, look at those wrinkles around your eyes.’

‘they aren’t wrinkles — they’re laughter lines’, said Mick.

‘come on, Mick,’ replied Melly, ‘nothing’s that funny!’

As far as the Gallaghers go, Noel may be the less aggressive, but he is also sharper. he recently described liam as ‘ the angriest man you’ll ever meet — he’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup’.

But one question remains. In 30 or 40 years’ time, who will emerge victorious from the Wars of the Gallaghers? Answers on both sides of the paper and no conferring.

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