My lover used to buy me lingerie, now he’s putting me in handcuffs

whether you or your lover have any children. Long-term (if there is to be any future) that seems relevant to me.

But back to the sex in this relatively new relationship. You were happy when he was presenting you with beautiful lingerie and a posh Valentine’s gift, but the latest tendencies bother you.

You’ve gone along with his wishes because you didn’t want to put him off — and also found it exciting — but it’s clear you’ve reached a stage when you feel both foolish (oh, those ugly crotchless knickers!) and put off by his tastes.

Bondage, discipline and sadomasochistic shenanigans have to be enjoyed equally by both halves of a couple. Since you are expressing these doubts, you have to ask yourself whether continuing would involve a loss of self-respect.

After all, you’re not a young woman, too easily led. If you would be quite happy to continue with the love affair (in spite of the marriages) and hate the thought of ending it because of your suspicions, then surely the answer is easy to see.

If you make it very clear that you have no wish to be tied up or spanked, that you tried it to please him but it’s not your style, then won’t his response reveal his true nature?

If he’s stringing you along (as you suspect), then he will try his best to persuade you to carry on as you are.

If you persist in saying ‘ no’, then he’ll probably stuff the handcuffs in his coat pocket and scoot off quickly to find another victim / partner.

But if he has genuine feelings, surely he will say that with you conventional love-making is the most beautiful thing in the world.