Mrs Malaprop’s oh so naughty props!

DURING the Fifties, I attended Gillingham Grammar School in Kent. It was a good school, but the local secondary modern schoolboys didn’t agree and referred to it as the County Cow Sheds. Ours was an all-boys school and we did envy them their fellow girl pupils. This was especially true when we staged school plays, which was a great interest of mine. When we staged The Rivals by Richard Brinsley Sheridan, I was delighted to be chosen for the part of Mrs Malaprop. This is an important part as she is famous for her Malapropisms — the use of a similar-sounding but completely different word. One line I recall was: ‘She’s as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile.’ This comic gambit has been used by many comics since, notably the late, great Hylda Baker. We hired costumes and I underwent a fair amount of teasing from my schoolmates. The teacher in charge of the costumes was a gentle, rather shy middle-aged man who was unmarried. I doubt if he had ever spoken to a female who wasn’t a family member. When the production was over, he had the job of checking all the costumes, ticking them off his list and folding them back into an enormous hamper. When I handed in my dress he checked it, shouting ‘one dress’, and ticked his list. Then I handed him my wellpadded bra. He took it and shouted ‘one bray’. How we stopped ourselves from laughing like donkeys I don’t know. Isn’t it terrible when you’re dying to laugh, but you’ve got to suppress it?

Mike Wallace, Charlton Kings, Glos.