THREE AGES OF LONELINESS
It’s the epidemic of our time – and it’s not just the old who suffer. Now, in Part One of a major series, a psychologist reveals the unexpected toll loneliness takes on twentysomethings and young mums . . .
RECENTLY, I started working with a young woman who says there are days when she feels like the loneliest person in the world. Becky is 23 and works in marketing; she spends long hours in an office, surrounded by people who are similar in age and background to herself. And yet, she says everyone’s so busy that there’s no time to forge meaningful friendships among her colleagues.
Since graduating from university, she’s back living with her parents, but spends evenings alone in her room, with only her various social media feeds for company.
If you looked at Becky’s facebook account, you’d see she has plenty of friends — hundreds of them, in fact. But, like a growing number of her age group who rely on friendships formed in cyber-space, she rarely sees anyone face-to-face.
‘I think I prefer it that way,’ she admits, despondently. ‘ My life’s so dull, I can’t compete. even my parents have a better social life than me and they’re in their 50s. They go out and have friends over all the time, while I’m stuck in my bedroom.’
Unsurprisingly, this makes Becky feel even worse, landing another blow to her already fragile confidence. She’s so low that the thought of going to the pub with a group of friends or accepting an invitation to a party fills her with anxiety — which is what I’m now treating her for.
Becky concludes woefully: ‘I’m like a lonely old woman before my time,’ as though loneliness is the last thing someone her age ought to admit. It leaves her feeling embarrassed and even ashamed.
And yet, actually, Becky’s age marks her out as a prime candidate for loneliness — far more so, in fact, than her grandmother’s generation.
A recent study by the Office for National Statistics found that today, nearly one in ten people under 24 say they are often or always lonely — that’s three times higher than the figure for over-65s.
Loneliness is an overwhelming emotional response to feeling isolated from others that can cause deep despondency and anxiety. It’s also a very personal sense of suffering — far more about feeling profoundly dissatisfied with your social interactions with others than it is about actually being physically alone.
And, depressing as those figures are, I can’t say I’m particularly surprised that so many young lives are blighted by it.
You only have to look at the way our concept of community has been redefined, particularly for this age group, to see why someone like Becky might feel she doesn’t belong.
Think about it: rocketing house prices mean that more young adults than ever are living at home with their parents instead of putting down roots and leading fully independent lives among their own demographic.
The strongest bonds they create with other people their own age tend to be forged via the internet — they shop, talk and compare themselves to one another online, meaning someone with confidence issues can easily end up spending every moment outside of work shut away in their room without anyone noticing.
AS FOR dating, Becky has become so used to spending time on her own that she admits she now fears intimacy.
Her last relationship was at university and broke down when they both graduated and got jobs in different parts of the country.
Her only prospect now of meeting someone is through ‘soulless’ dating apps, which only serve to make her feel yet more insecure and isolated.
By her own admission, she now gets the majority of her social interaction via facebook and has internalised an unhealthy sense of inferiority because of the way she constantly compares her own lifestyle to that of other women her age.
Of course, it’s easy for me to see that she’s measuring her own happiness against the oh-so-perfect, carefully edited highlights of her peers’ day-to-day experiences.
But Becky has become utterly convinced that she comes up woefully lacking — so much so that social isolation feels like the easier option. The impact of this means that she’s becoming increasingly withdrawn and anxious, for which she’s now being treated through talking and cognitive behavioural therapies.
Of course, it’s well documented that loneliness can impinge on the happiness of people at any stage of their lives. But it is this rise in extreme isolation among the under-30s that particularly concerns me — a group which, historically, we wouldn’t have expected to feel this way.
Despite living in a time when communicating has never been easier — when people boast hundreds, if not thousands, of online friends — why are so many younger people saying they’ve never felt more alone?
LIKE me, Dr David Holmes, lead psychologist at Manchester Metropolitan University, believes an increasing reliance on social media platforms plays no small part in this loneliness epidemic.
He says sites such as facebook have become places for self-promotion, rather than genuine exchanges.
‘So, as well as people feeling lonely because they feel they can’t compete with others’ fabulous “posts”, we also have those who appear confident and outgoing on the outside, but privately feel equally disconnected,’ he explains.
‘Some of the loneliest people of all are those who rely on social media for admiration. They seek pseudo stardom by posting constantly — utterly dependent on the validation of their online peers, they can feel lonely if they go half-an-hour without a “like” or appreciative comment.
‘These people become hypersensitive to a sense of loneliness that actually becomes of their own making.’
And the problems don’t end there. Although the internet provides endless ways for us to contact others, these connections often don’t take place in real time.
So, if you’re craving interaction, but have to wait minutes, or even hours, for a response, that delay will actually perpetuate the sense of loneliness that saw you try to make contact in the first place. You may feel rejected, even though the person to whom you sent a message simply hasn’t got round to picking up it up yet.
This 21st- century loneliness may well be partly a problem we’ve brought on ourselves, but it’s a serious issue and can take a terrible toll on a person’s mental wellbeing.
Last month, research from king’s College London was published that showed lonely young adults are more likely to experience mental health problems and more likely to be out of work than peers who feel less isolated.
These 18-year-olds were more than twice as likely to suffer from anxiety and depression — and many had selfharmed or even attempted suicide.
They were also more likely to have seen their GP or a counsellor for mental health problems in the past year.
If that weren’t damning enough, as well as its impact on self esteem and mental health, loneliness increases the risk of poor sleep, higher blood pressure, cognitive and immune decline and depression.
What’s more, the true impact has yet to be felt, as a generation of teenagers brought up to rely on a virtual world come of age.
Take Holly Davies, an 18-year- old university student from Cheshire, who has suffered dreadfully from loneliness since she moved to Bristol
for her music degree. She has struggled to make new friends among her fellow students and desperately misses those she grew up with.
‘ We’re in social groups on Facebook and I can spend hours each day on Facebook, Messenger and twitter,’ she says.
‘I’ve been really surprised how hard loneliness has hit me. I didn’t realise how much of an introvert I’d become until I had to try and make new friends. there are only eight of us on my course, which is quite specialised, so I don’t get the opportunity to mix with lots of others during lectures.’
Like the majority of under24s, holly has grown up with friendships largely conducted on social media. But now, this seems to be holding her back from forming healthy adult relationships.
Going to university, where you are unlikely to know anyone, and making new friends has always been a daunting prospect.
But, in many ways, previous generations had it easier. It wasn’t so easy to maintain friendships from home — bar the odd letter or phone call — and so you had to immerse yourself in your environment and make new ones.
today’s youngsters, by contrast, are so terrified of looking like they’re having anything less than a ball that, however tough they’re finding their new life, they present a positive view of it online.
Someone who’s really struggling may see their old schoolfriends, via social media, appearing to be having a wonderful time, and the idea that they’re somehow failing is further compounded.
to me, that further demonstrates just how hollow the premise of social media is. Far from being a platform that brings people together, all too often its users end up feeling as though they’re constantly missing out as they live vicariously through it.
holly says her sense of isolation saw her stuck in a depressing rut. ‘Feeling lonely makes me less motivated to get out there, which can turn into a vicious cycle: I become less likely to say “yes” to things, making me feel more alone in the long run. there have been times where I’ve felt horribly trapped by my loneliness.’
When it comes to feeling isolated, motherhood can be another lonely frontier — and, again, the endless comparisons mothers make via social media and motherhood blogs can make this more acute.
tracey Crouch MP, 42, who the Prime Minister appointed as minister for loneliness back in January, has spoken about her own sense of feeling cut off and isolated following the birth of her first child, Freddie, in 2016. In an interview with time magazine, she revealed that, despite having a ‘network of friends, family and a wonderful partner’, she still felt horribly alone.
and data released only last week suggests that young mothers might be the loneliest of all. a report by the Coop Group and the British Red Cross found more than 40 per cent of women who have babies before age 30 say they are lonely all or much of the time.
Emma Longden, 28, is a freelance social media manager and mum to Cameron, seven, Carly, five, and 16monthold Benjamin. She says her enjoyment of motherhood often feels blighted by loneliness.
‘My weekdays are like Groundhog Day,’ she says. ‘I get up, get the children ready, take the older two to school, come home and put Benjamin down for a nap.’ While the baby sleeps, Emma scrolls through social media, before picking her children up from school.
‘then it’s dinner, homework, bath and bed, before it starts again the next day.’
You might think Emma — who is married to Ed, a trainee teacher — sounds too busy to be lonely but, like Becky and holly, she gets much of her social stimulation online, with little facetoface contact. ‘afternoons are the worst,’ she says. ‘I spend hours online, jealously eyeing up other people’s seemingly busy, fulfilled lives.
‘I know social media presents a fake life — and I’m just as bad. I always appear chatty and upbeat whenever I post on twitter or Instagram, but it’s all a front.’
It’s little wonder Emma’s friends are oblivious to how isolated she feels. But then, increasingly, modern friendships are proving to be superficial and underpinned by insecurities — there’s no, ‘here’s my life, warts and all’ any more, because appearance suddenly counts for everything.
‘they have no idea I feel so lonely,’ she agrees. ‘Most of them don’t have children yet and have busy jobs, so we rarely meet up. I miss them so much, yet I’m too embarrassed to say so and come across as needy.’
But, of course, the less comfortable people feel admitting their loneliness, the less likely they are to seek out the contact they crave. the idea that loneliness is somehow taboo is perpetuated and they become even less likely to realise they might be able to do something about it.
HELEN WaLKER, a sports scientist from Stalybridge, Greater Manchester, has been feeling lonely since having her children at 23 — and this has been compounded by the fact that she now finds herself single, facing the struggles of parenting her nineyearold twin daughters, Gabriella and Francesca, alone.
‘the majority of my adult life has been lonely,’ she says. ‘ No one seems to go out and “meet” people any more. the loneliness hits me hardest when I’m driving to and from work.
‘horrible thoughts about what I’ll do when the girls are grown up and gone will creep in and the tears start falling down my cheeks. I’d just love to have someone to chat with at the end of the day, or feel an adult cuddle me.
‘they’re things other people take for granted, but that I’d love so much in my lonely life.’
again, on the face of it, the internet ought to be a boon for someone like helen — after all, dating apps can line you up with any number of potential partners.
however, as dating coach and behavioural psychologist Jo hemmings explains, that’s not necessarily a good thing.
‘the problem is that you end up with a “paradox of choice”,’ she explains. ‘the seemingly endless opportunities you’re given to meet the perfect partner become a hindrance, because the choice is so wide, you struggle to make any decision.
‘But then the day comes when you look back and see that your youth is behind you — and the problem is you’re still alone.’ Case studies: LAUREN LIBBERT