Why stay at home mums are more under attack than ever
Today, only 1 in 5 middle-class mothers quits their job to raise children.And those who do say they feel increasingly belittled by working women . . .
CLAIRE PAYE regularly receives the alumni newsletter from her alma mater, Jesus College, Oxford, which often features the extraordinary accomplishments of her peers, who have received honours and awards or published seminal papers.
In one issue, Claire, 46, contributed her own piece about work, entitled: Making the most of an Oxford degree.
But it wasn’t her career as a highly paid head of world trade at the London Chamber of Commerce and Industry on which she wanted to focus — she gave that up years ago. It was her current role as a handson mother of two.
‘Am I, in some ways, wasting my degree by being at home fulltime? I hope not,’ wrote Claire, mother to Amelia, 12, and Charlie, nine.
‘Instinctively, I feel that I should be in some highpowered job, earning lots of money. But that wouldn’t necessarily be the best use of my degree.
‘It could be said that bringing up children is one of the most important roles in the world.’
yet, in our careerist times, Claire, who’s been a stayathome mother for 12 years, finds herself firmly in the minority for believing this.
One of a dying breed, even. For, according to a recent report from the Institute for Fiscal Studies, now only one in five middleclass mothers chooses to leave work.
Forty years ago, almost half of couples bringing up children were divided into a breadwinner and a fulltime parent, invariably the mother. But the share of couples raising their family in this way has now dropped to 27 per cent — and it is even lower among middleclass families who have the financial freedom to choose whether or not a parent will work.
WHILE for many, this decision is rooted in economic necessity, the figures also reflect a huge societal shift which embraces working motherhood — and leaves fulltime mums out in the cold.
Not working used to be a badge of honour, but now, even affluent mothers want the status a career brings. Where once those with a job may have felt judged for returning to work, career mothers are now so dominant that the reverse is true.
In professional circles, not only are you a rarity if you decide to stay at home after having children, but you are looked down upon, too, leaving an antipathy between the camps that is fiercer than ever.
‘Some stayathome mothers get asked: “So what do you do all day?” as if we’re skiving from “real” work,’ says Claire, from hampshire, who is married to Andy, 46, an export sales manager.
So, why the fierce competition? Lucy Johnson, a psychotherapist whose West London practice specialises in women, says: ‘ One way of validating their own choice is to denigrate others’ decisions.’
She adds that, for many, ‘ their identity is rooted in their work. They are scared of giving it up because that poses the question: “Who would I be without it?” ’
But that doesn’t mean they return to work unhindered by confusing feelings. ‘ Guilt about the effect on their child is only one of a host of doubts they have. They also often feel jealous of the mother who can just stay at home and see her baby 24/7.’
Simmering tensions erupted online earlier this year when one mother posted a pointed question on Mumsnet asking what stayathome mums really ‘do all day’.
The implication that working mothers have it tougher is clear. And those who retaliate by pointing out that new research vindicates those who eschew work in favour of childcare are shouted down.
But the facts speak for themselves. While childcare outside the home is thought to help socialise children, longer hours in nurseries or creches prompt higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol — as much as 67 per cent higher than at home.
This is backed up by the latest neuroimaging technology, which allows us to see the relationship between brain development and human interactions.
A baby’s brain is as malleable as playdough and, essentially, if they have an attentive, present mother, they develop a sense of security and confidence in communicating their needs. A less receptive environment, however, will leave them feeling anxious, fearful and unable to communicate.
These are concerns that chime with Claire Paye, who says she aspired to be an ‘always available mother’. ‘It allows me to be present, physically and mentally, when my children need and want me to be and, perhaps more importantly as they get older, when they don’t.
‘The alternative — that is, being out at work — might mean I’m not here when I’m needed, or just when my children would like me to be around. Stayathome mothers like me choose the lives that meet their children’s needs. I am very grateful that I am always able to prioritise my children — which should be enabled, celebrated and not penalised.’
Claire says she has no regrets about leaving her job: ‘Being a mother is the only role in life where you can’t be replaced.
‘Every other job can be done by someone else — even the Prime Minister is replaceable.’
BUT the fact that fewer and fewer of her peers seem to agree leaves her ‘worried about the state of parenting today’.
‘Many parents don’t realise the effect that long hours in a nursery have on children,’ she says. ‘It is a very difficult decision for any mother to return to work when her children are small and many tell me this makes them feel guilty.’
Claire’s decision is one that American psychologist Erica Komisar would applaud. She argues a mother’s unique role makes her irreplaceable for the first three years of a baby’s life.
In her book, Being There: Why Prioritising Motherhood In The First Three years Matters, she busts the myth that, when it comes to raising children, ‘quality time is better than quantity time’.
Ms Komisar, who has three teenage children and has been working from home since the eldest’s birth, goes so far as to suggest that the rise in diagnoses of ADHD and autism could be related to ‘the lack of consistent, intimate engagement of mothers’ with their children.
But the book has been widely regarded as offensive to working mothers. Feminists branded Ms Komisar a ‘traitor’ who had set back the cause of working women.
She counters: ‘ The feminist movement is all about choice, yet people won’t accept that some women will choose to stay home with their children, rather than carve out a professional role a man could be proud of. My book says that, yes, women can be highfliers and, yes, they can be great mothers — but not both at the same time.’
Mother of six Anne Fennell, 42,
agrees. In her late 20s, she was a publisher with a promising career ahead of her. She’d always assumed that she would return to work after having a baby but, at her son’s birth, she changed her mind.
‘My son’s birth absolutely overwhelmed me: “Wow,” I thought. “How can I give him to anyone else to be raised?” ’
Anne lives in North London with her husband Peter and their six sons, who are between the ages of 16 and two. The family has had to rent a home, rather than buy one, and, last year, they faced difficulty when their landlord unexpectedly wanted the property back.
But Anne feels it is absolutely worth the sacrifice and has no regrets. ‘Ours is a happy home and Peter and I have always agreed this set-up is best for our family, no matter what anyone else says.’
It doesn’t help that the Treasury, too, seems to be ignoring the benefits of full-time mothering.
Anne joined the organisation Mothers At Home Matter in order to help campaign for a change in the tax system.
‘The Government is intent on pushing all women out to work, regardless of circumstance,’ she says. ‘Instead, it should treat the family as a unit, so you can have the option of a transferable allowance. Then the overall income is taxed, rather than the two parents’ separate incomes.’
Meanwhile, Jenny Knight, a 42-year- old mother- of-two from Berkshire, admits: ‘There is an unspoken battle between working and stay-at-home mothers. My mother stayed at home to raise me — I benefited enormously from her being around.
‘I am sad that there is a whole generation that has lost out on this. Mothers used to sacrifice themselves for their children — but, today, children are sacrificed for their mothers.
‘When a mother wants to regain her professional life to get back to doing her own thing, children are expected to bear the cost.’
After achieving a First at Royal Holloway, University of London, Jenny worked in corporate communications with clients such as Unilever and HSBC. She was earning a good salary as a consultant by the time she and her chartered surveyor husband Toby had their first child five years ago.
Going from two salaries to one has forced some lifestyle changes — she and Toby have had to forgo foreign holidays and smart cars — but she says it’s worth it.
‘Mothers in my NCT class started talking about which nurseries they would send their children to after their maternity leave was over.
‘When they realised I wasn’t joining in, they asked: “Why aren’t you looking at nurseries?” and: “Do you not approve of nurseries?” and then: “Aren’t you worried your husband will find you boring if you don’t go back to work?”
‘To which I felt like answering: “Between a wife who talks nonstop about work and a wife who talks non- stop about their children, I think I know which one a man might prefer.” ’
She believes that children prefer their mum to stay home, too. ‘My daughter sees well- dressed mothers rushing into school, rushing out, always too frantic to stop and talk to anyone. She calls them the “busy, busy mummies”.’
But not all stay-at-home mothers are as impervious to criticism. Psychotherapist Lucy Johnson sees many who feel devalued.
She says: ‘I have to pick them up when they say: “I am just a stay-athome mum.” I have to remind them that, actually, they hold down the most important job of all. It’s tough, though. As a society, we don’t validate motherhood.’
Or not yet. Although the numbers who stay at home are dropping, there still could be a sea change as the impact of the working mother movement is truly felt. Studies revealing that children who spend longer hours in childcare are more stressed, along with developments in neuroscience and alarming mental health statistics (one in ten teenage girls was referred to mental health services last year) may be turning the tide on attitudes — at least among the young.
The 2017 British Social Attitudes survey found that family matters more than work to 16-to-24-yearolds. Meanwhile, recruitment strategies for attracting twentysomethings now include generous parenting support.
Anne Fennell concludes: ‘ The children of mothers who worked full-time are now landing their first jobs and are looking to have flexible arrangements that will allow them to do more parenting at home. They don’t aspire to the 24/7 work their parents did.’
A generation that places a premium on emotional wellbeing and has the technology to deliver freedom from the workplace (with laptops and Skype video conferences) is more likely to value the stay-at-home mother.
Jenny Knight, for one, feels vindicated: ‘I am the progressive one now — all the research into the importance of the early years validates my choice.’
The battle is not over yet.
‘Mothers used to sacrifice themselves for their children. Today, children are sacrificed for their mothers’