I held him and said goodbye
Amanda Holden tells of grief over stillborn son
AMANDA Holden has spoken of how she held her stillborn son in her arms during their final hours together.
The Britain’s Got Talent judge, 47, expressed her heartbreak at losing her son, Theo, who was born when she was seven months pregnant in 2011.
In an emotional interview with ITV current affairs programme Tonight, Miss Holden recalled ‘ screaming and screaming’ after he was delivered stillborn a year after she had miscarried another son.
Miss Holden, married to music producer Chris Hughes, said she was terrified about breaking the news to their eldest daughter, Lexi, now 12.
She said: ‘I just remember hearing this woman just screaming and screaming and then it was actually – it was me, I realised it was me that was screaming.
‘It was the most surreal, out-of-body experience. I was calling my daughter’s name because I was just terrified about what to tell Lexi.’
Reflecting on her last moments with her son, she recalled: ‘ He looked so normal and so peaceful. I held him in my arms and I said goodbye, basically.
‘But I couldn’t have done it without the incredible team around us. My husband was so strong and so amazing but they got him through it too.
‘And in the days and months afterwards, the same team checked on us every single day and it’s not because I’m off the telly or famous or anything like that. They’d have extended that care to any woman, any family, in my situation.’
After the second miscarriage, Mr Hughes was concerned about trying to have another child. Even though Miss Holden was determined to expand their family, she revealed her anxieties about having more children.
In the Tonight interview, broadcast last night, she said: ‘I’d be on the phone saying, “My baby’s not going to die, is it? This baby’s not going to die?” ’
When her second daughter Hollie arrived in 2012, the star needed several blood transfusions after a complicated labour.
‘I’ve had therapy and was told I suffered from post-traumatic stress syndrome,’ she told Radio Times in 2014. ‘I assumed that was what people had in Afghanistan, and I haven’t fought a war. But maybe I have in a way.’
Hollie was born by caesarean section because of a low-lying placenta. But when it was taken out, an artery ruptured. Miss Holden lost several pints of blood, her heart stopped for 40 seconds and it was feared she would die. ‘As much blood as they were putting in me was going out,’ she said. ‘It just would not clot. For seven minutes Chris didn’t know if I was alive or dead.’
Miss Holden said she was left constantly paranoid about her health and decided she should not try to have more children.
She has previously spoken about how her 2010 miscarriage led her to drink. In her autobiography No Holding Back, she said: ‘When I was 16 weeks pregnant, I had miscarried a baby – a little boy – and my grief was overwhelming. I was drinking. A lot. Aware that I was almost 40, I desperately didn’t want Lexi to be an only child.’
She has warned other women against waiting to have a family, saying: ‘Have your babies before 40 if you can.’