Why is my daughter-in-law so shouty?

DEAR BEL,

WE HAVE a problem that we don’t know how to handle without spoiling our relationship with our daughter-in-law.

We have a great relationship with her and see our two grandchildren as many times as we wish — which is often. We’re also called on to look after them sometimes, which we both love.

The problem is that our daughter-in-law, although a very good, loving mother, has a very short temper with the children and completely goes over the top over the most simple things. She never, ever hits them, but shrieks — often in the company of other people. It can leave the kids very upset and shocks all around them.

We don’t think this is having a great effect on the children.

We don’t know how to handle the situation without affecting our excellent relationship with their mother.

Unfortunately, we cannot have a quiet word with our son, who over the years has become a bit shouty himself.

We can’t confide in her parents (we have a great relationship with them, too), who are also short-tempered with their grandchildren.

PHILIP

From one loving grandparent to another my message is loud and clear — keep quiet. my daughter, her husband and two children are living with us while they try to organise a mortgage (so hard these days); therefore I am a daily witness to family life, with all its ups and downs.

The other day (before I read your letter) I found myself thinking: ‘ oh I wish she wouldn’t shout at them so much.’ Then I noticed how annoying the adorable fiveyear-old can be. And I experienced the twoyear-old’s screams penetrating my skull — and noticed how tired his mum looked.

And then I remember when my Kitty was in her cot and wouldn’t lie down and I was fed up and furious and yelled at her — only to be thoroughly told off by my own mum, who ordered me: ‘Be a mother!’ At the age of 34, I hid in my bedroom and cried. oh dear.

Family life can try us all. That doesn’t mean our adult children aren’t loving. But if parents are trying to impose order on a chaos of kids, they will shout.

We grandparents can hand the darlings back, but parents have the daily grind. Last Sunday, my easy-going son lost it with his son and niece (both nearly six) for doing something really naughty.

He became ‘shouty’ because it was necessary — maybe that’s the case with your son. Also, some people (the other grandparents, for example) have shorter fuses than others. Who knows, they might think you two are a teensy bit indulgent?

The important thing is, children are resilient. They play, tease, sulk, rebel, get jealous of each other, show meanness — and push their mother’s tolerance deliberately because it’s part of discovering the boundaries. How else will they learn?

Quietly I ask my grand-daughter: ‘Do you want Grumpy mummy or Happy mummy?’ obviously she prefers the latter. So I continue with a whispered: ‘Well, so do I — so don’t be horrid to her, don’t be naughty, just do as she asks and then she won’t be grumpy. It’s easy really.’

That’s what to do. Be the quiet, steady presence in their lives — the ones they can always turn to. You know they have wonderful parents — and your relationship with your daughter-in-law is excellent. Hooray! If you don’t like the shouting, just turn away, button your lip and come up with a distraction. Then all will be well.