Should I cut and run from my angry, controlling husband?
DEAR BEL,
I’M 49 and married my husband nearly six years ago.
My first husband committed adultery for three years at the end of what I thought was a successful 19-year marriage.
After nearly three years of struggling to rebuild my life (including massive debt which I managed to pay off) I met my second husband.
I was swept off my feet by his charm, lovely personality and generosity towards me and my two teenage children.
We’ve had quite a privileged life together, travelling a lot and living in three different countries — Spain being our home at the moment.
I seem very lucky. But behind the scenes it’s a different story.
I moved to the first country reluctantly as my husband had a job offer but I didn’t want to leave
Both letters this week hinge on the issue of a controlling personality and how to deal with it — and it is a more serious problem than perhaps some readers realise.
to be swept off your feet (as you say you were and rather like the mother in today’s second letter) is natural in the early stages of love. my children behind — the youngest being almost 21 at the time.
My husband gave me an ultimatum: either I go with him or our marriage was over. So I went.
I settled quite well, but after six months he was offered another job in another country. Again I said I’d rather not move, but eventually gave in.
After just three months he came home from work one evening, started drinking as usual, and said he’d decided we were flying back to the UK that weekend for good because he didn’t like his new job.
To cut a long story short, he’s ditched three well-paid jobs and now, in his late 50s, can’t find employment.
We’re living in our holiday home in Spain. Again, I moved there just to appease him. We have been here for ten months and row constantly. He has thrown me Yet I hope you can see that, bruised from the collapse of your first marriage, you were extremely vulnerable to this apparently charming man.
Now you lay out your dire situation with admirable economy, and because you make no mention of love I have to assume you no longer feel it.
After all, heartbreak is often as much an expression of disappointment as of genuine sorrow for the
out on one occasion and takes my bank card away from me. Today he made me ring my son who rents our house in the UK to tell him to leave by the end of the month. My son is obviously very angry and hurt — as am I.
The house was gifted to me by my husband last year as security for me, but now he’s adamant it belongs to him, as does the Spanish property and all the money in our joint account.
Both houses were purchased during the marriage. I feel trapped as I no longer work (due to us moving around) and I have no access to the joint account.
My husband is constantly angry and doesn’t like me having contact with friends and family.
My head tells me to cut my losses and run, but my heart is broken.
SHEILA
end of love. It sounds as if you are utterly depressed, browbeaten by this man (and his drinking?), afraid of the future, lonely and boxed into a corner by a husband who is seizing control of all aspects of your life.
I hope you realise that a new law on coercive control (a form of domestic abuse) was introduced at the end of 2015, after a Home office consultation.
As a result it can carry a jail term of up to five years. With no
delay you need to research this: see rights of women. org.uk/ get information/ violence-againstwomen-an d-international-law/ coercive-control-and-the-law.
You will quickly see that the behaviour you describe (especially attempting to isolate you from your family and control the money) are clearly aspects of abuse. this man has forced you to move, ignored all your wishes, deprived you of access to a joint bank account, ejected you from your home on one occasion, ‘made’ you threaten your son.
It’s essential you realise the seriousness of this. Your husband has turned you into a victim and you need to fight back.
I am no legal expert and you need one urgently. You should enlist the help of your children to find a really good solicitor to give you serious advice on applying for a judicial separation.
In what sense did your husband ‘gift’ you that property? Is it on paper?
When he goes out can you not search for that bank card/call for a replacement from the bank?
Do you have friends in spain you can confide in — because one of them might know a good lawyer there? You need to make a plan. At 49 you have years (God willing) before you, and you need to extricate yourself from this marriage in order to enjoy them.
In your place I would secretly get hold of a bank card, buy a plane ticket, pack my bags, fly to my son — and engage a lawyer to get really mean on my behalf.