Hi, I’m in the mood for a bit of tutti frutti!
AND OTHER ESSENTIAL ITALIAN PHRASES, PART 2
My Frommer’s Italian PhraseFinder & Dictionary, published as recently as 2006, boasts ‘over 5,000 useful words & phrases’. But, in these puritanical days, how many of them would land you in handcuffs?
It all kicks off in the chapter headed Nightlife. Under Nightclubbing, comes the question: ‘What’s the hottest bar these days?’, along with its phonetic translation: ‘ Kwah-LeH eel bar Pyoo dee moH- DAH ahl moh-meHN-toh?’
once the tourist has got himself into the hottest club in town, he is provided with a further list of handy phrases, including: ‘make it a double, please!’ (DoHP-pyoh perh fah-VoH-reh.)
This is followed by ‘ I’d like to buy a drink for that girl/ guy over there’, which, by the sound of it, would take about ten minutes to say: ‘ Voh- rAyohf-Free-reh dah BeH-reh ah K We H L-l ah rahGA H T-s ah( seenNyoH-rah) kwehl rah- GAHTsoh ( seen- NyoHreh) LAH.’
It’s hard to imagine anyone struggling their way through this without sounding either very drunk or very creepy or both.
The Frommer’s PhraseFinder then ratchets up the peril. Under the heading Across A Crowded room, the tourist is advised to say: ‘ excuse me, may I buy you a drink?’ followed by, ‘ you look amazing” (‘ sembree ahf-fah-shee-NAHN-teh’).
The next few phrases seem guaranteed to deliver the unwary tourist a sock between the eyes: ‘you look like the most interesting person in the room’, ‘Do you like to dance fast or slow?’, ‘Here, give me your hand?’, and ‘ you have nice eyes!’, which comes with a little note saying: ‘For a full list of body parts, see p190.’
From here on, it reads like a first draft of Harvey Weinstein’s memoirs. Under GeTTING CLoser comes: ‘ you’re very attractive’, followed by ‘I want to hold you’, ‘ Kiss me’, ‘ Would you like a back rub?’ and — ahem — ‘Would you like a massage?’
Turn the page, and the heading is GeTTING INTImATe.
‘Would you like to come inside?’ ‘may I come inside?’ ‘Let me help you out of that’ and ‘Would you help me out of this?’.
It is never explained how the tourist might accomplish all this activity with one hand still clutching his phrasebook.
And so it hots up. ‘you smell so good’ (‘eye oon bwon pro-Foomoh’) is followed by ‘may I?’ ‘oK?’ ‘Like this?’ and ‘How?’.
Though the phrasebook was written just 12 years ago, it seems to spring from another time. Under the heading HoLD oN A seCoND, the tourist is offered the Italian for, in swift succession, ‘ Please don’t do that’, ‘ stop, please’ and ‘ Do you want me to stop?’.
out of nowhere comes the question ‘ Do you have anything you should tell me first?’, phonetically translated as ‘eye-kwahl-KoH -zah dah Deermee Pree-mah dee kohn- tee NWAH-reh’.
Turn the page, and the heading is BACK To IT. Imagine the tourist frantically leafing through his or her Frommer’s PhraseFinder to find the Italian appropriate to the increasingly steamy situation — ‘ That’s it’ , ‘That’ s not it’, ‘Here’, ‘There’, ‘ more’, ‘ Harder’, ‘ Faster’ and so on. once again, a note in red italics says: ‘ For a full list of body parts, see p190.’ The next chapter is called CooL DoWN. It includes the Italian for ‘That was great’, ‘Would you like to stay here?’, ‘I’m sorry I have to go now’, ‘Where are you going?’ and ‘ I’m flying home in the morning’, as well as ‘I think this was a mistake’ (‘KreH-doh keh KWeHs-toh see-ah sTAH-toh oon ehr-roH-reh’).
AFeW chapters later, we are AT THe PoLICe sTATIoN, where the Italian is provided for a spiralling succession of awkward situations: ‘I’m sorry, did I do something wrong?’, ‘I’m sorry, my Italian isn’t good’, ‘I need an interpreter’ and ‘may I call my embassy?’.
The next suggested phrase sounds awfully ominous: ‘Devo andare in tribunale’, spoken as ‘DeH-voh ahn-DAH-reh een treeboo-NAH-leh’. This is the Italian for: ‘Do I have to go to court?’
sadly, Frommer’s PhraseFinder fails to mention the Italian for: ‘I wish I’d stayed at home.’
Happy holidays!