ENGLAND’S AD MEN
This moody Harry Kane advert is a far cry from these hilarious pictures of England heroes of yesteryear who flogged everything from cigarettes to nude-look tights!
GORDON BANKS 1977
WORLD CUP legend Banks was winding down his career at Fort Lauderdale Strikers in Florida when the chance arose to get behind a very British dish. Gordon netted a deal with Arthur Treacher’s Fish & Chips, who considered him quite the catch. Looks like a lucrative takeaway.
PHIL PARKES 1976
FORMER WEST HAM keeper Parkes was famed for his handling, but hairspray firm Cossack believed his luxuriant mane wasn’t getting enough credit — especially in duels with Liverpool’s John Toshack. ‘At the end of 90 minutes, Phil’s hair looked as if it had stopped everything Big Tosh had thrown at it,’ we learn. ‘Cossack put his hair back into top shape.’ Tidy.
JOHN BARNES 1990
LUCOZADE had always been something to guzzle when you were recovering on the sofa. Barnes helped change that image, telling TV viewers: ‘After 90 minutes of sheer hell, you’re gonna get thirsty. This is Lucozade Sport — it gets to your thirst, fast!’
BOBBY MOORE 1970
THE perks of the England captaincy in 1970 included being paid to pose with model Kate Howard and extol the virtues of her nude-look tights. World Cup hero Moore probably didn’t need too much persuading to accept this gig in the hosiery department of a store on London’s Oxford Street. And just look at that saucy smirk on the lady behind them!
KERRY DIXON 1985
STAMFORD BRIDGE hero Dixon always looked comfortable enough in his Chelsea boots, but this advert reveals the young Kerry had ‘chafing’ issues due to his ‘wide feet and exceptional insteps’. A pair of sensible Clarks fixed that and apparently put Dixon on the road to an England call-up.
STANLEY MATTHEWS 1952
IN AN era when adverts still trumpeted the supposed health benefits of smoking, leading sportsmen such as Matthews queued up to puff cigarettes. The Wizard of the Dribble, pictured in his England shirt, reveals: ‘It wasn’t until I changed to Craven A that I learned what smooth smoking meant. For a really satisfying cigarette that’s kind to your throat, give me a Craven A every time.’ Modern players such as Jack Wilshere, who like the odd drag, must be cursing that lighting up doesn’t pay in the same way these days.
PETER SHILTON 1975
EVER wondered how goalkeeper Shilts got that ‘extra muscle power’? Of course you have and the answer was the Bullworker — a chest expander which looked like a crossbow and came with serious danger of snagging the user’s chest hair. A small price to pay. ‘Your husky looks will be the stepping stone to an exciting new life,’ promised the advert.
DAVID BECKHAM 2012
THE nearly naked Becks is a surefire way to shift products. This eye-popping underwear ad for H&M was part of a campaign that shifted piles of pants and boosted Beckham’s profile in America. His physique even had a starring role at half-time in the Super Bowl.
GARETH SOUTHGATE 1996
SOMETIMES it’s wiser to turn down the advertising shilling. Gareth Southgate admits regretting the Pizza Hut promo he did with fellow penalty shootout villains Chris Waddle and Stuart Pearce. A nation winced.