Creature discomforts

Check out the wildlife before you dream up any grand designs, says Max Davidson

The silly season seems to be starting early this year, judging by the number of stories about wildlife causing havoc in the human world.

First there was the strange story of ed Sheeran and the newts. Sheeran, unlike K en Livingstone, a renowned newt-fancier, has no interest whatsoever in the creatures.

he could probably not tell a palmate newt from a palm tree. But he has had to bone up on his newt know-how after the great crested newt threw a spanner in his plans to build a chapel on his estate in Suffolk.

The great crested newt is a protected species and, as some have been sighted in the area, Sheeran has been forced, as a result of representations from Suffolk Wildlife Trust, to commission an extensive newt-hunt.

In deference to the shy amphibians, no chapel can be built until the planning authorities are satisfied that their habitats have been protected. What finer example of english fair play?

And if we all have to wait a little longer to see whether an ed Sheerandesigned chapel is a landmark in ecclesiastical architecture or a blot on the landscape of east Anglia, we can do it. Our shoulders are broad.

hard on the heels of the story of the humble newt which stymied a singer worth an estimated £80 million, came the tale of the family of fledgling blue tits who caused major disruptions at a 14th-century church in Devon.

After the tits had been found nesting in the lectern at the St Thomas a Becket church in the village of Sourton, the church was closed to the public, all bell-ringing was suspended and the church organ fell silent. Only when the fledglings had left the nest did life get back to normal.

even the houses of Parliament have fallen victim to intrusive wildlife this summer.

In June, a plan to assess the crumbling roofs of the building with drones had to be halted when it was realised that the drones would disturb a pair of nesting peregrine falcons — a large bird of prey whose nests are protected under the Wildlife and Country - side Act.

It is easy to smile, but for the ordinary homeowner , uninvited wildlife can be a big problem, whether it is bats in the attic or mice scurrying across the kitchen floor . Flies proliferate. Seagulls dive - bomb suburban barbecues. Moths turn up uninvited, making a beeline for the most expensive coat in the wardrobe. As for squirrels, I’ve known the most mildmannered gardeners direct four-letter words at them. HOWever,

it is naive to assume that the law will always be on the side of the householder. Before anyone stocks up on rat poison or loads up his shotgun wi th pellets, he would be wise t o check out his legal position.

A friend who lives in Fulham in South- West London has been trying for years to persuade his council to throw the book at the woman in his street who feeds the pigeons morning, noon and night, meaning that bird droppings are everywhere, as the pigeons sit in trees, on roofs and ledges waiting for the next feast.

At one point, the council issued a warning — but it changed nothing . There has been another extraor - dinary Birds 1, humans 0 episode at Battersea Power Station, one of the most prestigious new develop - ments in London. This one also featured peregrine falcons, who played an absolute blinder.

There were peregrines at the power station long before preparatory work began to turn it into human residences. They had nesting sites in one of the old wash towers, and seem to have felt secure in their unconventional habitat, high above the city.

And, being better protected than any sitting tenant, the birds could not simply be chucked out when the developers moved in and started dismantling the old chimneys.

Cue an elaborate, and extremely costly, scheme to enable the peregrines to coexist peacefully with their new human neighbours.

As the birds like to breed at the same site every year, and their habitual site was at the base of the huge old chimneys which were going to be have to be disman - tled, the developers either had to halt works completely during the breeding season or construct a new , alternative nesting site in the vicinity.

They duly did the latter , building a large new tower with a nest box on top.

It set them back more than £100,000, but as the falcons settled into their new home, at the same time as the human residents were settling into their s panking n ew luxury apartments, it was a win-win for everone.

Some will doubtless view the expenditure of such a huge sum, which would buy a whole house in some parts of the country , as plain bonkers.

But wouldn ’ t you be prepared to pay a little extra to see peregrine falcons from your window?