Our granddaughter’s dad is so difficult
DEAR BEL,
WE HAVE two beautiful granddaughters, aged three and 12. They live with our daughter, but without either father. Our daughter has physical and mental challenges, so we are very hands-on and we love the close relationship we have with them all.
Our youngest granddaughter’s dad is great — he loves his daughter dearly and gets on with us. But the elder granddaughter’s father has always been a problem. He threw our daughter and their nine-week-old baby out because he ‘ didn’t like having a baby around’. When our granddaughter was a toddler, he saw her every other weekend, but then he remarried. Now, he only sees her two or three times a year and fails to phone her, pays a small amount of maintenance and is rude to us.
We carry on nurturing our clever, bubbly and confident granddaughter. The problem is that her father originally obtained her passport and now won’t allow us to have it to take her abroad.
We’d planned a trip of a lifetime to America, to show her there’s a big world out there. But he wouldn’t hand over the passport without sight of the confirmed booking.
We refused because he has a history of breaking his word and the thought of telling her she couldn’t go was intolerable.
So the trip is off until she can get an adult passport at 16. My daughter wants to go to court, with our support, but our granddaughter doesn’t want this. We’re concerned about the effect all this is having on her. Advice?
VANESSA
NoboDY could ever put a value on grandparents like you — your daughter and her two girls are infinitely blessed to have you as the stalwart framework from which the little family tree can grow.
I suspect it’s been far from easy and that you’ve had to bear events that have made you very sad. Your raison d’etre is simple: to give the three of them ‘the best life possible’.
With that end in mind, surely you have no choice but to listen to the wishes of your granddaughter? At 12, she is old enough to know her own mind.
Ever since she was a baby, she has experienced family stress — the emotions of an unhappy mother will impact on her child. It would be astonishing if she had not already compared her bad luck with the happy experience of her little sister.
She will surely have witnessed her mother’s anger . . . and yet the man is still her dad. So she will cherish a residual loyalty to him, perhaps until she’s old enough to make her own judgments.
Even when that time comes, I hope she escapes resentment and clings to whatever love there is. because, no matter how inadequate and obstructive he is, that will be better for her heart.
It was generous of you to plan the ‘trip of a lifetime’ and, in four years’ time, you can make it happen. of course, she’ll have friends, so you may find yourself funding a two-week trip instead, when she’s old enough, so she can take a pal.
You could let her know you’re starting a travel fund so that when she leaves school, she can see something of the world.
In the meantime, why do you have to take her abroad? As I said in last week’s And Finally, there’s a wealth of wonderful things to do in britain. (by the way, thanks to all those in the Midlands who were thrilled I praised their region!)
Why not devise your own magical mystery tour, taking in as many of her interests as you can? Let’s say she likes wildlife and history . . . you could take her to Warwick Castle, where they have daily shows, mock battles, birds of prey displays and lots more. Edinburgh has masses to see and do.
If she likes books, check out children’s literary festivals (bath, Henley, barnes or brentwood, to name but four) and buy her books, so she can have them signed.
Does she like fashion? bath also has a fashion museum.
Look for children’s activities near you or (much better) choose two or three things in a new part of the country and make it all happen. Let her learn horse-riding. bird-watching. Jewellery-making. So much to do!
You can have quality time with her without breaking the bank. And when she gets her adult passport, she can send her dad a postcard.