Is it so hard to send a thank-you card?

DEAR BEL,

MY NEPHEW and his partner were married three months ago. I had an important hospital appointment on the day, so I sent them an email telling them this and received a short reply acknowledging the email.

In addition, I then sent them a cash gift (£100) as requested on the invitation card. To date, neither I nor any other family member has received any acknowledgement of the gifts. When my other nephew got married, he and his wife didn’t send thank-you cards, either. At that time (six years ago) their mother (my sister) said that young people no longer send thank-you cards as it is oldfashioned and postage is expensive for newlyweds.

For all I know my gift may have got lost in the post. I am a single older mum with a 22- year- old daughter. I brought her up alone from birth and we’ve always sent thank yous.

As one of five siblings, I’ve always received them from other nephews and nieces and from various friends — whether by text or card.

This is nice and (in my view) also polite.

It may seem silly, but it really makes me angry that people can be so rude, sending wedding invitations asking for money, then staying silent. There is no point in contacting my sister, as this would only cause an argument.

My question is: am I oldfashioned to expect a thank you card or even acknowledgment of my gift? ELLA

OH, i was so glad to read your email — simply because this is one of my pet subjects. i don’t believe the question is just a matter of what’s considered good manners. no, it concerns vital relationships which ripple outwards — as when a pebble is tossed into a pond.

Politeness is a matter of consideration, and without it there can be no such thing as society. When i hear a parent reminding a small child, ‘Say please’ or ‘Say thank you’ i cheer inside — because they are teaching that small soul respect, kindness, gratitude and consideration all in one.

Once upon a time i had some friends, a married couple i really liked. time and again they came to our house, sat at the table i’d carefully laid, ate the food i’d cooked, drank quantities of our wine, laughed, drank some more.

never once did they send a postcard or an email to say: ‘ thanks, that was just great!’ i couldn’t understand it.

My conclusion was that they were (a) careless and/or (b) just took the hospitality for granted. And that — in people who should know better — is a form of exploitation, isn’t it? in the end, i stopped inviting. i have no time for careless people who hurt my feelings.

Like you, i become cross if thanks are not sent after a wedding (or other gift). Whether you give two glasses or a radio, you have every right to expect acknowledgement and gratitude. it’s part of a transaction between two people — like saying ‘thank you’ when somebody holds open a door for you, or raising a hand to the driver who lets you out.

yes, we can change — and though some people frown on thanks by email or text, i don’t. it’s much better than nothing. But the day such behaviour is seen as ‘old-fashioned’ is the day we cease to be a civilised society.

Because your contribution might indeed have been lost in the post i think you should contact your nephew and say that you are worried your gift never arrived. i’ve done that in the past. Why shouldn’t they be reminded?

the message to all parents reading this is: teach your children to express gratitude. And to all of us: remember that saying thank you (verbally, by text, email or best of all a postcard or letter) will make somebody pleased.

the cost of a stamp is nothing compared with spreading a little warmth.