Smartphone orphans
It’s not children who need less screen time – it’s their mums and dads, says an expert who’s studied the neglect mobiles cause
THe seven-year-old boy was standing alone in the garden with his football, eager for a kickabout. ‘ Daddy come and play,’ he shouted. ‘Yeah I will in a minute,’ replied his father as he responded to a work email on his mobile. Seconds later, the boy asked again. ‘I’m coming,’ repeated his father, still focusing on the screen. More minutes passed. ‘Are you coming now, Daddy?’ the boy shouted.
His father didn’t answer — he was replying to a new message. ten minutes later the boy gave up. He left his ball and went back inside. As he walked past his father he turned to him, crestfallen, and said: ‘You were a much nicer daddy before you got your iPhone.’
this heartbreaking anecdote was told by a dad we interviewed when filming a parenting course for the charity I work for, which supports family life.
to his credit, the father involved said it had been a ‘wake-up call’. He admitted there had been far too many ‘absent’ moments like this with his son and he was determined to adjust his mobile phone behaviour.
It’s a scenario that will be familiar up and down the country, particularly over the school holidays, as thousands of ‘distracted parents’ try to keep all the plates spinning in their busy lives.
Mums will be pushing buggies while texting or checking Facebook. Dads will be standing in the park, hypnotised by the screen in their hand rather than watching their children play.
When it comes to child development, parents have fallen into a trap of worrying about their offspring’s screentime, but not their own.
there are huge advantages to having that little device in our pocket. We can answer emails, keep up with the news, make bank transfers, check the weather and even watch our favourite programme 24/7 any time, any place.
In theory, this should free up more time to spend with our family. And technology can be a lifesaver in the home.
What parent hasn’t breathed a sigh of relief when putting a child in front of a screen during the ‘happy hour’ of 5pm to 6pm, when blood sugar is at its lowest, sibling rivalry is at its peak and the fish fingers aren’t on the table?
But with all the advantages smartphones bring to families, there are also insidious dangers. How many of us can say we are actually ‘present’ when we are with our children?
Being in the same room might mean we are physically there, but if we are frequently, or constantly, texting, emailing or watching videos or games, we are certainly not emotionally engaged.
I spoke at a conference where headteachers shared their dismay at the number of parents who barely look up from their smartphone as their son or daughter comes racing out of school, desperate to show them their painting or model creation.
One nursery teacher said when she spoke out loud to her two and three-year-olds, many looked down ‘as if to find the screen the noise was coming from’ rather than look up at her face.
It’s hard to say what harm this ‘distracted parenting’ causes. Smartphones have only been available for a decade so we are in unknown territory. But some studies paint a worrying picture.
In one released last year, psychologists came up with the phrase ‘technoference’ — phones getting in the way of being engaged with our children.
they asked parents how often they thought their use of devices interrupted interactions with their child on a daily basis. Most agreed they were frequently distracted. Only 11 per cent claimed that they were unaffected.
In the same experiment, the parents were asked to rate their children’s behaviour. Did they sulk, display easily-hurt feelings or whinge? Were they hyperactive, or easily frustrated. Did they have frequent temper tantrums?
the findings were interesting: the more often parents reported ‘technoference’, the more behavioural issues they noted.
We know how important responsive behaviour is for children. When we smile at our child and they smile back, it releases chemicals in the body that make parent and child feel happy.
Nurturing and responsive relationships with children can also help their emotional and intellectual development. One study showed infants who experienced responsive speech at 11 months and 14 months knew twice as many words at the age of two as those who did not.
Research has shown that the brains of children who are severely emotionally neglected actually develop differently.
Of course, this is extreme neglect, not simply ignoring them occasionally to look at our mobile phone. But for parents who often barely look up from their screen, we do have to wonder if this is going to have some impact. On an emotional level at least, we know that children feel neglected by their parents’ love of tech. At one of our Care For the Family parenting events we play an interview with youngsters about how they feel when their parents are on their phone. One little boy said: ‘I feel like they don’t care.’ A little girl said: ‘I wanted to play a board game and Mummy was too busy on her phone.’ In one piece of research from 2015, 54 per cent of children felt their parents checked their devices too often. the biggest grievance was when their parents were distracted by their mobile during a conversation. Of course, parents have always been distracted to some extent. I remember when my daughter was seven, she started telling me a long and, frankly, boring story about a film she’d seen. I began leafing through a magazine. She stopped midstory. ‘ Mummy, you’re not listening!’ I argued that I’d heard every word. ‘ No, Mummy, she replied. ‘You’re not listening with your eyes!’ It was a reminder that what my child needed at that moment was my undivided attention. Part of the problem is that technology is so easily accessible, prevalent and unpredictable. We are at the mercy of a beep from a text or notification and get a buzz out of it.
Studies show many get the same dopamine ‘ high’ from responding to their phones as from sex or drinking.
When thinking about our screen habits, remember we are role models to our children in the way we use technology.
SO WHAT’S the solution? Put boundaries in place. For example: Have an unplugged day ( or evening!) that all members of the family adhere to, including you.
Charge your phone in a different room at night, removing the temptation to pick it up, and buy an alarm clock so you’re not checking it last thing at night and first thing in the morning.
Parents do need to realise we can’t ‘do it all’. If we need to meet a deadline on our laptop while our child is playing or even watching television, that’s fine. If we need our child to be occupied while we make dinner or sort out the washing, that’s okay too.
But when we are with our children, let’s really be with them — and put the phone away.
Left to their Own Devices? Confident Parenting In A World Of Screens is available from bookshops and online at muddypearl.com, for £9.99.