Less Riviera, more Carry On Up The Khyber

YOUR SUMMER HOLIDAY, PART II

YOU WANT: A panama hat that makes you look like Charles Dance in The Jewel In The Crown. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A panama hat that makes you look like Prince Charles on the Italian Riviera. YOU GET: A panama hat that makes you look like Charles Hawtrey in Carry On Up The Khyber.

YOU WANT: To swim for hours on end in a beautiful azure sea, the only sound for miles around the gentle ripple of the waves. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Swimming some distance away from the noisy family from Dusseldorf with the frisbee. YOU GET: Two young men on jet-skis with headphones yelling at each other as they circle within a yard of your head, while the family from Dusseldorf decide to accompany their game of frisbee with Germany’s last- Eurovision- entry- but- one playing on repeat at full blast.

YOU WANT: To be taken for a local. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Being treated as a local. YOU GET: An extra 80 per cent surreptitiously added to your bill, and your English accent imitated mercilessly the moment you leave the restaurant.

YOU WANT: A discreet tattoo of a tropical bird, somewhere near your ankle. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A tiny tattoo of a heart, somewhere near your shoulder. YOU GET: A life-size tattoo of Ed Sheeran all over your chest.

YOU WANT: To exchange amusing banter with the interestinglooking couple in the far corner of the restaurant. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Exchanging a few friendly words with the maitre d’ about how pleasant your day has been. YOU GET: Caught up in a heated argument about the pros and cons of Brexit with an overweight couple from Bishop’s Stortford.

YOU WANT: A three-course picnic from a wickerwork hamper beside a rippling stream within a landscape of meadows and leafy glades. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A cheese and tomato sandwich on a park bench. YOU GET: A lukewarm beef patty topped with melted American cheese and barbecue sauce in a parked car outside Burger King at Newport Pagnell services. YOU WANT: To relax in a nice hot bath at the hotel. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Relaxing in a nice hot shower at the hotel. YOU GET: Drenched when you turn on the bath taps and the shower spurts cold water all over you.

YOU WANT: David Attenborough sitting next to you on the plane. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: James Corden sitting next to you on the plane. YOU GET: Liam Gallagher sitting next to you on the plane, telling you to eff off when you ask him politely to turn his music down. And it later emerges that it’s not even Liam Gallagher, just someone who looks a bit like him.

YOU WANT: A hotel in the centre.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A hotel not far from the centre

YOU GET: A hotel on the ring road, next to the detention centre.

YOU WANT: To drive an opentop Jaguar along deserted roads, the sweet scent of the pine trees billowing through your hair.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Driving a two- door Fiat Uno along a busy motorway.

YOU GET: Caught in a queue at the car hire kiosk for an hour and a quarter before being informed that the car you booked is no longer available but luckily they can provide you with a model twice as expensive but first you must sign here here here here here here here and here, and do you want extra insurance because if you don’t take extra insurance then you could be charged up to £5,000 for the first scratch and £ 7,500 for every scratch thereafter and be sure to return the vehicle with a full tank of petrol, there’s a petrol station on the other side of the city which is due to close half an hour before your arrival and the way to put the car into reverse is hidden in small print towards the bottom of page 278 in the driver’s manual and if you wanted air-conditioning you should have ordered that three weeks in advance but for just £7.50 per day they can provide a battery fan, just sign here here here and here and if you want to insure the battery fan against loss or damage just sign here here here here and here. A steering wheel? You want a steering wheel? Ah you should have mentioned, that will be extra. And you want insurance for it?