Our loving son wed, then shut us out of his life . . .

DEAR BEL,

MY HUSBAND and I worked hard to give our three children the best we could. They rewarded us with diligence, and all got good jobs.

Our two daughters both married, the younger providing us with two beautiful granddaughters, the elder happy with her career.

Last year she fell pregnant and was delighted, but the pregnancy had to be terminated because the baby had many problems and would not have survived.

Prior to this, my son met and married his girlfriend. We all seemed to get along very well.

But when they were due to visit us they’d cancel at the last minute. We were never invited for a meal or at Christmas. She was pregnant at the same time as my daughter — and I thought they would be sympathetic. But at every opportunity they flaunted the pregnancy.

Once their baby arrived, everything changed. My son is ruled by his wife and her parents, who visit whenever they want.

But when I turned up for a surprise visit, excited at seeing my new granddaughter, I was told I was not welcome unless I made an appointment. I drove the 60-odd miles home in tears.

I received a text the next day from my son reiterating that I must make an appointment. No apology, just abuse. My husband was furious. He phoned and left a message saying that our son’s wife and her family had got their way by shutting us out of their lives.

Since marrying, my son has lost most of his school friends, who say he’s changed beyond belief. It’s four months since we have seen him. He’s rejected us and his sisters. We’re having to get on with our lives but it hurts. Can a charming, loving man change so much? MARGOT

MANY letters and emails arrive on this specific family problem. I’ve used yours, but have here another email from NC, and two handwritten letters from JS and V (no surname). The situations are all different, but all four are from mothers who ( in truth) dislike their son’s partners/wives. They all feel cut off from grandchildren and desperately hurt and angry.

Meanwhile, the son appears to be powerless, almost henpecked. But that’s Mum’s ‘take’, of course.

Obviously, generalisations are misleading — nevertheless it seems common for a man to move away from his own mother emotionally when he marries. This is the ‘change’

you mention — and the origin of the old saying: ‘A son is a son till he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter all her life.’

It goes back to the Biblical injunction (Ephesians): ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’

In your longer letter you say your daughter-in-law is an only child and seems to have been indulged by her parents. That obviously makes things worse. But so (I’m afraid) did your husband’s angry message.

Anybody can understand why he was so upset — because you were treated appallingly. Mind you, I would advise everybody that it is unwise to make surprise visits, especially to a daughter-in-law.

Telephone first! (After all, they could have been out.) But he should have controlled his temper and not left a message that would obviously make everything worse.

Your own last words are very wise. I hope that in time your son and daughter-in-law will soften and embrace you. There’s really nothing to do now but be patient.

A common element in my letters is jealousy of the daughter-in-law’s parents, who have a privileged position in terms of access to the whole family.

It’s upsetting that those other grandparents can be so possessive. They should realise that what really matters is the welfare of the grandchildren — and it’s clearly much better if they are loved by four grandparents, not just two.

If any grandparent reading this is guilty of ‘hogging’ grandchildren, I beg you to use your maturity to mediate in these painful matters.

And now a word to sons. You don’t want your wives to give you a hard time. Scared or lazy, you don’t want to rock the boat. Understood. But you still also owe loyalty to those who gave you life and it’s surely your duty to give them due consideration.

Ask yourself if you and your wife have the right to deprive your children of anyone who wants to give them love.

Margot, I just hope your son might read this (recognising the story, even though I changed your name) and feel sorry.

Meanwhile, stay strong.