You make me very unhappy. I felt so proud of you— now all is gone... Let me atleast think that you love me— I am so wretched
Revealed in a new book, the intensely emotional letters between a schoolboy Churchill and his exasperated — and brutally candid — mother
SENT away to boarding school, an unhappy Winston Churchill wrote dozens of letters to his mother Jennie — now published in a collection edited by historian DAVID LOUGH. As the American wife of Tory MP Lord Randolph Churchill, she was a pillar of society, with little time to spare for visiting her young son. By 1890 Lord Randolph, unknown to the 15-year-old Winston, was being treated for late-stage syphilis, although modern medical opinion is that he may have been suffering from another serious disease ... June 12, 1890, 2 Connaught Place Dearest Winston, I aM sending this by everest [winston’s nanny], who is going to see how you are getting on. I would go down to you — but I have so many things to arrange about the ascot party next week that I can’t manage it.
I have much to say to you, I’m afraid not of a pleasant nature. you know darling how I hate to find fault with you, but I can’t help myself this time. In the first place your father is very angry with you for not acknowledging the gift of the £5 for a whole week, and then writing an offhand careless letter.
your report which I enclose is as you will see a very bad one. you work in such a fitful inharmonious way, that you are bound to come out last — look at your place in the form! your father & I are both more disappointed than we can say. If only you had a better place in your form & were a little more methodical I would try to & find an excuse for you.
Dearest winston you make me very unhappy — I had built up such hopes about you & felt so proud of you — & now all is gone. My only consolation is that your conduct is good and you are an affectionate son — but your work is an insult to your intelligence. If you would only trace out a plan of action for yourself & carry it out & be determined to do so — I am sure you could accomplish anything you wished. It is that thoughtlessness of yours which is your greatest enemy.
I will say no more now, but winston you are old enough to see how serious this is to you — & how the next year or two & the use you make of them, will affect your whole life. Stop & think it out for yourself & take a good pull before it is too late. you know dearest boy that I will always help you all I can. June 19, Harrow My darling Mummy, I wIll not try to excuse myself for not working hard, because I know that what with one thing and another I have been rather lazy. Consequently when the month ended I got a bad report.
My own Mummy I can tell you your letter cut me up very much. Still, there is plenty of time to the end of term and I will do my very best in what remains.
Good Bye, my own. [That September, Jennie set off without Randolph on a two-month tour of her friends’ Scottish country estates, a progress that became a regular feature of her social calendar. ] September 19, 1890, Invermark, Brechin Darling Winston, I hope you will try & not smoke. If only you know how foolish & silly you look doing it you wd give up, at least for a few years. If you give it up & work hard this term I will get papa to get you a gun & a pony. I want you so much to get on. Don’t forget to brush your teeth! & think of me. September 21, Harrow My Dear Mummy, I wIll leave off smoking at any rate for 6 mths because I think you are right.
Good Bye my darling Mummy. April 1891, Harrow [aged 16] Darling Mummy, My face is swelled up double its natural size through toothache. I have made an appointment with pritchard [a dentist] for Tuesday. Good bye my darling,
with love & kisses I remain, your tooth tormented — but affectionate — son. April 29, Banstead [A rented manor house near Newmarket] Dearest Winston, I Don’T want to lecture on the subject — but I am sure if you wld take a little more care of yr teeth you wld not suffer so much. Quite apart from the “pigginess” of not brushing them!! however I do hope darling that you are better. May 19, Harrow My darling Mummy, I aM well & all right, but have just been in the deuce of a row for breaking some windows at a factory. There were 5 of us & only 2 of us were discovered. I was found, with my usual luck, to be one of these 2. June 21, Harrow Darling Mummy, I have to pay 8/- [£49 today] as my share of those windows we smashed. please send it to me before Tuesday. July 14, Harrow My darling Mummy, Mr wellDon [ rev James welldon, headmaster of harrow] told me last night that he had written to you about my going to spend ‘at least 4 weeks’ in France. his ideal of course is a ‘family’.
I’m sure you would not like me to be away the greater part of the holidays with some horrid French family. It would be perfectly — well — unpleasant. of course it is entirely in your hands. But I am sure you will not send me to any such abominable drudgery with your free consent. I beg you to let me have a bit of fun.
p.S. really I feel less keen about the army [his father wanted him to go to the royal Military College at Sandhurst] every day. I think the church would suit me better. Jennie and her sons spent most of that summer holiday at Banstead — much of it in the company of her new lover Charles Kinsky, son of an Austro-Hungarian prince. September 19, Harrow Darling Mummy, wellDon wants you to write to him & ‘explain’ why I did not come back [to school] Thursday. ‘The Doctors Certificate’ says he ‘accounts for wed’. I told the animal I understood that if you telegraphed, it was sufficient. ‘nay’ saith he. So he proposes that you should write him a letter saying that I was unable to ‘favour him with my presence’ on account of — anything. Twiggez-vous?
Don’t say anything about the Theatre or that would make him rampant. with much love & many kisses I remain your dull homesick exiled darling. September 27, Harrow My darling Mummy, why have you not written to me, as you said you would, in answer to my 3 letters! I think it is very unkind of you because I am very dull here, and am working very hard. I suppose you are busy with your ‘race [racing] party’ & so have not had time to send me a line. I have been back 10 days & you have not sent me a single word. September 28, Harrow Darling Mummy, oho! aha! and now Behold I have written 3 long epistles & not one single SolITary lIne have I recd.
I am going to sell my bicycle for a Bull-dog. I have known him some time & he is very tame & affectionate. he is a celebrated blood dog & worth £10 [£1,200]. So please write my mummy & give your gracious consent. Good bye my bird. September 29, Banstead Dearest Winston, I ConFeSS that I have been very remiss about writing — but I have been too busy. Do as you like about yr bicycle but it wld be wiser I think to keep it — a dog is sometimes a
nuisance. Goodbye my darling. Will write again. October 28, Banstead Dearest Winston, Since seeing you i have been so busy i have not had time to write. i have been very remiss i confess — but dear child your letters always have the same refrain ‘please send me money’. You do get through it in the most rapid manner. Here is a P.O.O. for £1 [today £120]. i was horrified to hear from everest that you had had another tooth out. it is too silly of you & you will regret it. Send me the address of the dentist as i wish to see him & give him a piece of my mind. December 6, Harrow [aged 17] My darling Mamma, Mr WelldOn is very keen on my going to Paris straight from here. darling Mummy, i shall think it will be very unkind and unnatural of you if you allow him to do me out of my christmas.
Please don’t you put pressure on me. Welldon got very angry last night when i told him i couldn’t give up coming home. But Mummy don’t be unkind and make me unhappy. i have firmly made up my mind not to go abroad till after the 27th. if you in spite of my entreaties force me to go i will do as little as i can and the holidays will be one continual battle. December 8, London Dearest Winston, MY dear boy i feel for you in every way & can quite understand your anxiety & desire to be at home for Xmas, but quite apart other considerations, the tone of your letter is not calculated to make one over lenient. When one wants something in this world, it is not by delivering ultimatums that one is likely to get it.
You can be quite certain my darling that i will decide what is best, but i tell you frankly that i am going to decide, not you. if you have to go, i shall see if it is possible to make it up to you in another way. i count on you not making a useless fuss — until then bless you & work so that Papa may see a good report. December 9, Harrow My darling Mamma, YOu ought not to be so sarcastic to me since it is i not you who have to make the sacrifice. You say that ‘You tell me frankly’ very well Mamma i only told you frankly my intentions that i would throw every obstacle in the way of my going abroad before the 27th.
You say it is for you to decide. i am required to give up my holidays — not you, i am forced to go to people who bore me excessively — not you. You were asked to give up a short part of the year to take me abroad — you promised — refused & i did not press the point.
i am very much surprised and pained to think that both you & Papa should treat me so, as a machine. Please do have a little regard for my happiness. December 15, 2 Connaught Place Dearest Winston, i Have only read one page of yr letter and i sent it back to you — as its style does not please me. i confess after our conversation the other day i did not expect you to go back on yr word, & try & make everything as disagreeable to yrself & everyone else as possible. My dear you won’t gain anything by taking this line.
everything that i can do for you to make things as smooth & palatable as possible i will do — more i cannot promise. Write to me a nice letter! December 16, Harrow My darling Mummy, never would i have believed that you would have been so unkind. i am utterly miserable. That you should refuse to read my letter is most painful to me. There was nothing in it to give you grounds for rejecting it. i am glad however that i waited 3 hours before answering or i would have sent you something that would have startled you.
i can’t tell you how wretched you have made me feel — instead of doing everything to make me happy you go and cut the ground away from under my feet like that. Oh my Mummy!
i made up my mind i would write no letter to you of any length in future as in my letters [sic] length i can perceive a [reason] for your not reading it. i expect you were too busy with your parties and arrangements for christmas. i comfort myself by this.
as to the style [of my letter] — it was rather good. darling Mummy — i am so unhappy but if you don’t read this letter it will be the last you’ll have the trouble to send back. i am more unhappy than i can possibly say. Your unkindness has relieved me however from all feelings of duty.
darling Mamma if you want me to do anything for you, especially so great a sacrifice, don’t be so cruel to your loving son Winny. December, Harrow My darling Mummy, dO aTTend to my letter. i am so wretched. even now i weep. Please my darling Mummy be kind to your loving son. don’t let my silly letters make you angry. let me at least think that you love me — darling Mummy i despair. i am so wretched. i don’t know what to do. don’t be angry i am so miserable.
Good Bye my darling Mummy. Winston lost this tussle. Jennie wrote to Randolph: ‘He makes as much fuss as though he were going to Australia for 2 years.’ December 22, Versailles My darling Mummy, nOTWiTHSTandinG a horrible smell of Brandy & beer on the boat, i was not sick. au contraire i slept all the time. Fatigue, the passage. The strange food, the cold, home sickness, the thoughts of what was behind & what before nearly caused me to write a letter which would have been painful to you.
i have made great progress in French. Of course i would give much to return, but considering all things i am prepared to stay my month. Goodbye my darling Mummy. December 27, Versailles My darling Mummy, i aM longing to return. i count the hours. i won’t travel 2nd [class] again by Jove. Hoping to see you in 3 weeks 21 hours. February 7, 1892, Harrow My darling Mummy, i aM getting terribly low in my finances. You say i never write for love but always for money. i think you are right but remember that you are my banker and who else have i to write to.
Please send me une[sic] peu. J’espère que vous êtes en bonne santé, comme votre fils devoué. [i hope you’re in good health, like your devoted son.]
ADApteD from Darling Winston edited by David Lough, published by Head of Zeus on September 20 at £30. to order a copy for £24 (offer valid until September 15; p&p free), visit mailshop.co.uk/books or call 0844 571 0640. Copyright in Winston’s letters is © the estate of Winston S. Churchill; Copyright in Lady Randolph Churchill’s letters is © the Master, Fellows and Scholars of Churchill College, Cambridge.
MONDAY: MAMMA, THE ENEMY FIRED ON US – I WAS VERY NEAR MY END!