I shot a man dead: will his daughter forgive me?

DEAR BEL,

I WAS wondering if you can help me. You see, I am a killer. At least in some people’s eyes. To others, I am a hero.

I am a 42-year-old Scot who joined the Army at 21, after college, and saw active service in a war zone.

There is one memory that keeps haunting me from those days, years ago.

I was hidden in a building with a sniper rifle when I saw him. An overweight terrorist carrying a gun and riding a bicycle. He got off the bike and looked around.

I let him take a draw on his cigarette, he smiled, and then I shot him under the chin. I felt nothing.

But then I saw her. A young girl maybe eight or nine years old, she ran round the corner crying, shaking the body of the man I had killed. I watched through my telescopic sight, heart pounding, as she wailed and cried. It was clearly her father I had just shot. I swear I didn’t know she was nearby when I pulled the trigger.

My own daughter is now about the same age as this girl was then and I’ve found myself haunted by this memory, unable to sleep.

What happened to that girl? Did she live? She would be in her 20s now, I keep dreaming of her. Would she ever forgive me? Will God forgive me? Any advice would be appreciated. JAMIE

Yours is such an unusual letter, that I contacted you myself with some private questions, as a result of which I decided to omit specific details of the conflict you describe.

The central issue here is a soldier’s guilt — a universal problem. No matter what your race, religion or nationality may be, a man (or woman) on active service may have to confront the reality of what duty demands.

You pose the intolerable moral question: how can killing (humanity’s greatest civil crime) be seen as heroic in the context of war?

since Homer’s Iliad, writers and philosophers have asked whether war can be just. In War And Peace, Tolstoy’s Prince Andrew says bluntly: ‘The aim of war is murder.’

Freud was in no doubt that ‘the warring state permits itself every such misdeed, ever act of violence, as would disgrace the individual man’.

Yet many British people still recall Winston Churchill’s stirring words (‘ We shall fight on the beaches’) with pride, convinced that the evil of Nazi Germany was so great that the end justified the means.

Even if the cause seems right, a soldier who has watched another human being die at his own hand may be forever traumatised.

Wilfred owen’s great poem strange Meeting was written in 1918, but published after his death one week before the Armistice.

It describes the killer, the soldier, coming face to face in death with his victim, who says: ‘I am the enemy you killed, my friend…’ No wonder owen summed it all up as ‘the pity of war’.

It’s no surprise you are haunted by that terrible memory. You should of course talk to your GP if you think you are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (and there is no timescale for this); but you could also attempt to help yourself.

A good start would be to research the issue, for example, by reading a brilliant online essay ( aeon.co/ essays/how- do- soldiers- live - wi th- their- feelings- of- guilt), which attempts to answer some of your questions. Another useful

American website ( makethe connection.net/symptoms/guilt) shows videos of veterans talking about their guilt, some of the stories dating back to the korean War in the Fifties.

I think these resources will help because hearing what others have experienced and how they have dealt with their feelings will make you realise that you are far from alone.

Those serving or those who have served in the British Armed Forces can call Combat Stress’s helpline on 0800 138 1619. The charity SSAFA also has a helpline: 0800 731 4880.

You ask if the daughter of the man you shot would forgive you. Who knows?

Forgiveness is possible ( see theforgivenessproject.org.uk), if perhaps unlikely. All you can do is read and think and — since you ask about God — perhaps seek confession and absolution.

The fact that you have such empathy now (helped by being a father to your own little girl) is a credit to your growth as a human being.