Bercow: carve his face with pride

No crime is so great as daring to excel, said Winston churchill.

over to you, ian and Stuart Paton, who have dedicated their lives to growing giant, perfect pumpkins.

This year, they broke their own record — with a 174 st monster (pictured) displayed at the Jubilee Sailing Trust Pumpkin Festival in Netley, Southampton.

The brothers have been growing pumpkins since they were 11 and hope to smash the world record one day. They say the secret to growing large pumpkins is ‘very light open soil’ and ‘ plenty of water in the summer’. change that ‘ soil’ to ‘sandals’ and ‘water’ to ‘ rose wine’, and you have the story of my August. No wonder i am pumpkin-shaped, too. The question is, whose Halloween visage are they going to carve into the pumpkin cliff-face? i’m hoping for a hideous John Bercow. Not that the real-life one isn’t bad enough.