I’ve got rid of all his clothes, but how can I fix my broken heart?

DEAR BEL,

LIKE any long-term relationship, ours had its ups and downs — with more ups. I’m 45, he’s 56. We were talking about marrying. So I was gutted when in January, without warning, he left me. I didn’t make a fuss (and still haven’t) but gave him time to calm down, then wrote to ask what had gone wrong.

His answer made no sense. He’s never been good at dealing with stress or communicating when things are difficult. I know most people have been dumped, so I’m not unique.

Towards the end of last year, I admit to being a bit distant because of a personal crisis. I thought he knew it wasn’t our relationship, but I was unhappy at work and had some family issues, too. But this was a short period, considering how long we’d been together.

Of course, I hoped he’d come back. In the meantime, I’ve been getting on with life — moved house and resolved all joint matters. Though he expressed a desire for me to stay in touch, I told him that wouldn’t be possible.

I’ve got rid of all his things at home: all pictures, clothes, text messages, emails and gifts, including the necklace he bought me: two hearts entwined, engraved with ‘Love you for ever’ — clearly not true. Some friends have said that maybe he got cold feet. I thought so, too, which is why, even though I was getting on with my life, I felt I’d left the door open.

I made it clear I still loved him very much, but did not ask him to come back because I didn’t ask him to leave in the first place.

At first, I thought maybe he had met someone else, but he assured me not. So when I recently heard that he’s begun dating again, it hurt. Not so long ago, even though he was the one who had left, he wrote that he didn’t think he’d ever get over me. Now he’s dating again. Who does that?

This has set me back. Thoughts of him are always in my mind. When my mother and friends say horrible things about him (and I agree), they think it makes me feel better, but it doesn’t.

I didn’t stay with him for years because he was horrible. He wasn’t. He was a decent man who treated me well, accepted my child (treating her as his own) and was respectful to my mother, who really liked him. He worked hard and had a generous heart.

What happened? I can only be honest with you — I still love him and don’t know how to stop. My friends and family think I should have moved on. How do I make that emotional leap? DEIRDRE

YOUr final question is at the heart of experiencing loss — whether it’s the miserable feeling of rejection when someone (of any age) has been ‘dumped’ or the sorrow of those who mourn.

You ask how to accomplish that hardest of shifts: moving away from grief. i say your family and friends are wrong to judge that you ‘should have moved on’. Who dares put a time limit on pain?

i suggest you consider that ‘emotional leap’ as not a moving away, but rather a moving towards.

Your partner’s sudden decision to end your long relationship left you bruised and bewildered — understandable feelings you attempted to control by being practical and briskly excising him from your life.

Perhaps you should have asked him to stay, who knows? Maybe you should have stayed in touch, for it is not so easy to rub somebody out of your heart.

Anyway, your task now is to move towards understanding who you are and what to do with the rest of your life. The renewed hurt of discovering the man you still love is dating again howls from the page, but there is nothing you can do to change what happened.

The issue to deal with is how you come to terms with the realisation that you will never understand what happened — but still can be proud of what you shared. it sounds as if you are on the way. i truly admire your dignity — and the fact that you can praise him. Next time your family express hatred of the man you loved, i would hold up a hand and say you don’t want to hear it, that you prefer to cherish the truth of what a fine man you loved. Believe me, you will feel better for that assertion. it will give you a sense of control.

The issue at the heart of this letter is how you can value yourself again. start by acknowledging that when he gave you that necklace, it was chockfull of meaning.

BUT as the seasons change, so do we — and sadness in the present must not be allowed to negate the past. All of us will suffer loss, and with it comes sorrow and regret, as surely as night follows day.

The challenge is to become the kind of person who can absorb the regrets, learn to live with them as inevitable, and even wear them with pride — as an old soldier wears his medals as proof of campaigns fought and survived.

Deprived of the stable future you expected, you must believe in your ability to shape the gloriously mysterious years ahead into a new pattern. You’ve made an admirable start. But don’t allow yourself to feel time has been wasted. Carry the certainty that you were loved forward into the next stage, when anything could happen. including a new love.