My new husband simply can’t stand my son
Solve your sex, love & life troubles
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
QPLEASE help me. I remarried three years ago, having been widowed for a decade. I am now 63. My new husband is wonderful — except when it comes to his relationship with my children, which baffles me. He gets on so well with my daughter, but can’t seem to stand my son.
Both my children are in their mid-30s with families of their own. We don’t live near them, so they come to visit us. He welcomes my daughter, her husband and her kids with open arms, but refuses to let my son and his family stay with us. They always have to book a room in a local hotel.
Every time I confront him about it, he brushes me off, saying it’s because my son’s kids are younger, so it would be too stressful to have them around the house. That may be true, but I know it’s not the real reason.
He never makes an effort with him and the contrast with the way he treats my daughter is obvious.
It puts me in a horrible position. I feel so anxious when they come to visit. And I’ve noticed they volunteer to come less often these days. What can I do?
ASTEPH SAYS: THIS isn’t exactly subtle behaviour. Your husband has, quite literally, shut the door in your son’s face. You don’t say for how long this has been going on, but you need to put an end to it.
This could be about ego — if he’s an alpha male type, he may feel threatened. Or there may have been an altercation that you are not aware of.
But I have to say, I really don’t like the sound of it. Your husband is being very controlling and he’s damaging your relationship with your grandchildren.
The reality is that if they can’t come to stay, but the other set are welcome, you’re going to end up far closer to your daughter’s children. That’s not fair — to you, your son or your grandchildren.
You need to act. And the first thing I’d do is talk to your daughter. Ask her opinion. Get as much information from her point of view as you possibly can, then talk to your son.
They are your children: they come before your husband, your friends and your dog. They will also tell you the truth. I’m sorry to say this, but your husband might well circumvent the truth to suit him. Your children won’t.
So ask them what’s behind all this — and believe what they tell you.
You can’t just let this continue. Christmas is coming! What happens then? It’s a recipe for disaster.
The truth is, dealing with the families we form when we marry can be exhausting. We spend half our lives trying to keep other people happy. You may feel there’s a veneer of civility between your husband and son at the moment and that that’s enough — but it never will be. We should be brave enough to challenge people, be they husband, child or in- law, when they make us unhappy. After all, sweeping things under the carpet only obscures the truth and erodes trust.
You say your husband brushes you off every time you bring it up. Well, in that case, I feel he is being dishonest.
Have courage and, with love in your heart, face the problem. Only then will you have the chance to repair it.
One final thing. After speaking to all the parties individually, I’d gather the family together and make sure your daughter is there. She seems to have good relationships with all of you and will, I’m sure, be delighted to see things improve. If she is willing, let her be the buffer, but ask her if she is happy to step into that role for you all.
As in all things, honesty is the only path. I wish you luck. You can do this! DOM SAYS: THIS is disappointing. It seems like it’s the age-old story of a young bull versus an old bull, vying for supremacy. Your son, the young bull, probably sees himself as standing in for his father in a way. He is there to protect you and he may well feel usurped by your new husband. Your husband, on the other hand, may feel your son is challenging his position. This is definitely not about the grandchildren coming to stay. While few of us relish the prospect of a screaming baby, having young children to visit should be a joy (albeit a noisy one). Telling you that your grandchildren can’t stay is harsh. Whatever is at the root of this, it is clearly a deeply uncomfortable situation and you have to try to get to the bottom of it. This has not simply been conjured out of thin air. My money is on there having been a row you are unaware of. Words have been said. Most things are solvable, though. And, having had a number of stepmothers in my life, I think I know where to start. I don’t know if you still live in your former marital home or your husband’s house, or, indeed, if you live in a new place you chose together, but I do know there are different boundaries in the house of a step-parent to that of your parent. Respect for the new regime needs to be shown and one could quite easily, and accidentally, overstep the mark. Might that have happened? You must talk to your son. Gently. Ask him if there has been a row that neither he nor your husband has told you about. If that’s not the case, then I think you might need to look at your own behaviour. When your son comes round, do you shoo your husband out of his chair and give the best bit of steak to your boy? Perfectly natural, of course, but it might put your husband’s nose out of joint. Whatever’s at the bottom of this, the key thing is to talk about it. First to your children, then to your husband, and then you and the boys together — otherwise, this is just going to get worse. Grasp the nettle and sort it out! Be prepared to push for the truth and respect it when it comes.