Cancross-eyed teachers control their pupils?
THE SKETCH: GOOD EVENING. AND IN A PACKED SHOW TONIGHT
THEY’RE the moments that had the nation shaking with laughter — the funniest scenes and sketches from Britain’s best-loved comedy TV shows. Here, in a week-long series to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Weekend magazine, we bring you the rib-tickling treasures as they were originally written. Today, the Mail’s TV critic Christopher Stevens picks unforgettable gags from perhaps the greatest double act of all time, The Two Ronnies...
the two ronnies shows began with the pair sitting at desks like newsreaders and delivering a series of gags and joke news items.
RONNIE CORBETT: Good evening. RONNIE BARKER: And in a packed show tonight we’ll be talking to a pathetic out-of-work contortionist who claims that he can’t make both ends meet.
RC: And to a masochist who likes nothing better than a cold bath in the morning — so he has a warm bath in the evening.
RB: And then a lady who’s a world authority on carpets, an expert on rugs and not at all bad on lino.
RC: Then we’ll talk to a stereo expert about his favourite breakfast — two bowls of Rice Krispies 10ft apart. RB: And a Sultan with 365 wives will explain why he’s looking forward to leap year.
RC: Then we’ll interview the Romford girl who took the Pill washed down with pond water and was today diagnosed as being three months stagnant.
RB: After that we’ll be meeting a tax inspector who’ll show us how to fill in a form, followed by a foreman who’ll show us how to fill in a tax inspector.
RC: And a famous millionaire will reveal how it feels to have piles of gold — wealthy but uncomfortable. RB: Then we’ll feature the famous colour-blind poet, Mr Reginald Smithers. Here’s an excerpt from one of his poems: RC: Roses are red Violets are brown The sky is bright yellow And so are blue tits
RC: A husband claimed his wife’s mother kept shouting at him that he was driving too fast along the M1 — and to make matters worse she swore at him while he was untying her from the roof rack.
RB: And an executive from a toothpaste manufacturing company was divorced by his wife on the grounds of cruelty. She claimed he kept squeezing her at the wrong end. RC: Then Madame Fifi Dubonnet, the former Picasso model, claimed that last Sunday her husband severely assaulted her and gave her three black eyes.
RC: What should you tip the porter in an all-male nudist camp — and will a fiver cover it?
RB: Then we’ll be discussing potholing and why it ruins your bedroom carpets. RC: Education — can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils?
RB: Then we’ll consider loneliness, with a special report from the Archbishop of Golders Green. RC: And, for ladies we’ll be talking about rum babas — and what to wear if you’ve got them.
RB: We’ll be discussing our new Classic series — What Katy Did, What Katy Did Next, Who Did What To Katy and Son Of Katy.
RC: Which will lead us to discuss three famous oriental sex books, the Kama Sutra, The Less Calm Sutra and The Absolutely Frantic Sutra.
RB: We’ve just been handed an urgent warning about Trimmets Treacle Puddings, which have caused several people to be sent to hospital with badly scalded feet. It seems people have misunderstood the instructions which read: ‘Before opening tin, stand in boiling water for 20 minutes.’ RB: The Chancellor has announced new plans for
shortening the dole queues. He’s asking the men to stand closer together.
RC: However, in a White Paper today the Government revealed plans to help the small shopkeeper — a lower counter.
RB: And the Prime Minister announced today a new plan to ensure we don’t become poor when we reach 60 — he’s going to make sure we’re all poor when we reach 30.
THIS JUST IN ...
RC: In the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.
RB: And there was an accident involving Britain’s worst goalkeeper, Bill Berkeley, who has already let through 157 goals this season. Shouting out ‘I am a complete failure,’ Berkeley threw himself in front of a bus . . . luckily, the bus passed under him and he wasn’t hurt.
NEWS FROM THE AWARDS …
RC: Shy spinster Hester Pettigrew was awarded the George Cross for saving the life of a drowning man. She gave him the kiss of life with her bicycle pump.
WE INTERRUPT THIS BULLETIN …
RB: For a police message. Will the man who lost eight bottles of whisky at Euston station this morning please go to the Lost Property office by Platform Nine where the man who found them has just been handed in.
TODAY IN THE COURTS …
RC: A journalist who slandered the Chancellor of the Exchequer very badly was given a chance to do better in the High Court today.
RB: A man who ate scampi contaminated with mercury successfully sued the Alpha Bottle Scampi Co. for injuries. He said every time the temperature went up, he hit his head on the ceiling.
AND IN SPORTS NEWS …
RB: In the transatlantic singlehanded yacht race Mr Owen Smithers has been disqualified for using both hands.
RC: Tonight’s tug of war between England and France may have to be cancelled if nobody can find a 26-mile rope.
RB: And now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett who, this year, made a lot of money on the greyhounds — as a jockey.
Fork Handles, The Tramps Humphrey and Godfrey and Welcome M’lord are adapted from Fork Handles by Ronnie Barker, published by ebury Publishing at £9.99. Copyright © The Ronnie Barker estate 2013.