Four candles, saw tips ... and ga les of laughter

THE SKETCH: FORK HANDLES

an old ironmonger’s shop. a shop that sells everything — garden equipment, ladies’ tights, builders’ supplies, mousetraps — everything. a long counter up and down stage. lots of deep drawers and cupboards up high, so that Ronnie Corbett has to get a ladder to get some of the goods Ronnie Barker orders. Ronnie Corbett is serving a woman with a toilet roll. He is not too bright.

RC: (Muttering) There you are — mind how you go.

(Woman exits. RB enters — a workman. not too bright either.)

RC: Yes, sir!?

RB: Four candles?

RC: Four candles? Yes sir. (He gets four candles from a drawer.) There you are.

RB: No — fork handles!

RC: Four candles. That’s four candles.

RB: No, fork handles — handles for forks.

RC: Oh, fork handles. (He gets a garden fork handle from the back of the shop.) Anything else?

RB: (looks at his list). Got any plugs?

RC: What sort of plugs?

RB: Bathroom — rubber one. Gets box of bath plugs, holds up two different sizes.

RC: What size?

RB: Thirteen amp.

RC: Oh, electric plugs. (Gets electric plug from drawer.) What else?

RB: Saw tips.

RC: Saw tips? What you want, ointment?

RB: No, tips to cover the saw.

RC: Oh. No, we ain’t got any.

RB: Got any hoes?

RC: Hoes? Yeah. (He gets a garden hoe from the garden department.)

RB: No — hose.

RC: Oh, hose. I thought you meant hoes. (He gets a roll of garden hose.) RB: No, hose! RC: (Gives him a dirty look.) What hose? (He gets a packet of ladies’ tights from a display stand.) Pantiehose, you mean?

RB: No, ‘O’s’ — letter ‘O’s — letters for the gate. ‘Mon Repose’.

RC: Why didn’t you say so? (He gets a

ladder, climbs up to cupboard high on wall, gets down a box of letters.) Now, ‘O’s — here we are — two? RB: Yeah.

RC: Right. (He takes box back up ladder and returns.) Next?

RB: Got any ‘P’s?

RC: Oh my Gawd, why didn’t you bleedin’ say while I’d got the box of letters down here? I’m working me guts out here climbing about all over the shop putting things back and then getting ’em out again. Now then, (he is back with the box) how many? Two?

RB: No — peas — three tins of peas!

RC: You’re having me on, ain’t yer!? Ain’t yer! (He gets three tins of peas.)

RB: No I ain’t. I meant tinned peas.

RC: Right. Now what?

RB: Pumps.

RC: Pumps? Hand pumps or foot pumps?

RB: Foot.

RC: Foot pumps. Right. (He goes off, returns with a small footpump.)

RB: No, pumps for your feet. Brown pumps, size nine.

RC: You are having me on, I’ve had enough of this. (He gets them from drawer.) Is that the lot?

RB: Washers.

RC: ( exasperated) Windscreen washers? Car washers? Dishwashers? Hair washers? Back scrubbers? Lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?

RB: Half-inch washers.

RC: Tap washers! Here give me that list, I’m fed up with this. (He reads list and reacts) Right! That does it. That’s the final insult. (Calls through door) Jones! Come and serve this customer — I’ve had enough! ( Mr Jones comes out and RC shows him the list) Look what he’s got on there!

JONES: (Goes to a drawer with a towel draped over it.) Right! How many would you like? One or two? He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer — ‘bill hooks’.