Masterminds of comic timing

THE SKETCH: MASTERMIND

Ronnie Barker is Mastermind quizmaster Magnus Magnusson and in the big black chair is Ronnie Corbett as contestant Charlie Smithers.

MAGNUS: And so to our first contender. Good evening and can I have your name, please?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Ah . .. good evening.

MAGNUS: Your chosen subject was answering questions before they were asked. This time you have chosen to answer the question before last, correct?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Charlie Smithers.

MAGNUS: And your time starts now. What is palaeontology?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Yes, absolutely correct.

MAGNUS: What is the name of the directory that lists members of the peerage?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: A study of old fossils.

MAGNUS: Correct. Who are Len Murray and Sir Geoffrey Howe?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Burke’s.

MAGNUS: What is the difference between a donkey and an ass?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: One’s a trade union leader, the other’s a member of the Cabinet.

MAGNUS: Correct. Complete the quotation, ‘To be or not to be . . .’

CHARLIE SMITHERS: They’re both the same. MAGNUS: Correct. What is Bernard Manning famous for?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: That is the question.

MAGNUS: Correct. Who is the present Archbishop of Canterbury?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: He’s a fat man who tells blue jokes.

MAGNUS: Correct. What do people lean on in church?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: The Right Reverend Robert Runcie.

MAGNUS: Correct. What do tarantulas prey on?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Hassocks.

MAGNUS: Correct. What would you use a ripcord to pull open?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Large flies.

MAGNUS: Correct. What sort of person lived in Bedlam?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: A parachute.

MAGNUS: Correct. What is a jockstrap?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: A nutcase. MAGNUS: For what purpose would a decorator use methylene chlorides?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: A form of athletic support.

MAGNUS: Correct. What did Henri Toulouse-Lautrec do?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Paint strippers.

MAGNUS: Correct. Who is Dean Martin?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Erm, he’s a kind of artist.

MAGNUS: Yes . . . what kind of artist?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: Erm…pass.

MAGNUS: That’s near enough. What make of vehicle is the standard London bus?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: A Singer.

MAGNUS: Correct. In 189 , Brandon Thomas wrote what famous long-running English farce?

CHARLIE SMITHERS: British Leyland.

MAGNUS: Correct. Complete the following quotation . . . (hooter sounds to signal time has run out) I’ve started so I’ll finish. Complete the following quotation about Mrs Thatcher, ‘Her heart may be in the right place but her . . .’

CHARLIE SMITHERS: ‘Charley’s Aunt.’