Whatever youdo, Polly don’t mention the war!
Basil Fawlty is supposed to be running the hotel without sybil, while she is in hospital, having an ingrowing toenail removed. But he’s just been in hospital himself, after Manuel the waiter accidentally knocked him unconscious with a frying pan. instead of staying to recover, he’s sneaked out and returned to work at the hotel still disorientated. He’s just stepped behind the hotel’s reception when he looks up to see a couple approaching the desk. He beams at them. ELDERLY GERMAN: Sprechen Sie Deutsch? BASIL FAWLTY: Beg your pardon? ELDERLY GERMAN: Entschuldigen Sie, bitte, können Sie Deutsch sprechen? BASIL FAWLTY: . . . I’m sorry, could you say that again? GERMAN LADY: You speak German? BASIL FAWLTY: Oh, German! I’m sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you. Of course, the Germans! GERMAN LADY: You speak German? BASIL FAWLTY: Well, er, a little. I get by. GERMAN LADY: Ein bisschen. ELDERLY GERMAN: Ah — wir wollen ein Auto mieten. BASIL FAWLTY: (Nodding helpfully) Well, why not? ELDERLY GERMAN: Bitte. BASIL FAWLTY: Yes, a little bit tricky. Would you mind saying it again? GERMAN LADY: Please? BASIL FAWLTY: Could you repeat. Amplify, you know . . . reiterate? Yes? Yes? ELDERLY GERMAN: Wir . . . BASIL FAWLTY: Wir? Yes, well we’ll come back to that. ELDERLY GERMAN: . . . Wollen . . . BASIL FAWLTY: (to himself) Vollen . . . voluntary? ELDERLY GERMAN: Ein Auto mieten. BASIL FAWLTY: Owtoe . . . Out to . . . Oh, I see! You’re volunteering to go out to get some meat. Not necessary! We have meat here! (Pause, the couple are puzzled.) We haf meat hier, in ze buildink!! ( He mimes a cow’s horns) Moo! Polly enters. BASIL FAWLTY: Ah, Polly, just explaining about the meat. POLLY: (to Basil) Oh! We weren’t expecting you. BASIL FAWLTY: Oh, weren’t you? (Hissing through his teeth.) They’re Germans. Don’t mention the war. POLLY: I see. Well, Mrs Fawlty said you were going to have a rest for a couple of days, you know, in the hospital. two more guests, Miss Gatsby and Miss tibbs are in reception. the German couple leave. BASIL FAWLTY: (Firmly) Idle hands get in the way of the devil’s work, Fawlty. Now...
POLLY: Right, well why don’t you have a lie- d down, and I can deal with this. BASIL FAWLTY: Yes, yes, good idea, good idea, Elsie. Yes. Bit of a heady ache, actually... MISS TIBBS: We don’t think you’re well, Mr Fawlty. BASIL FAWLTY: Well, perhaps not, but I’ll live longer than you. MISS GATSBY: You must have hurt yourself. BASIL FAWLTY: My dear woman, a blow on the head like that . . . is worth two in the bush.
MISS TIBBS: Oh, we know, but it was a nasty knock. BASIL FAWLTY: Mmmm, would you like one? (Hits the reception bell) Next, please.
Two men and two women come down the stairs. BASIL FAWLTY: ( In a hoarse whisper) Polly! Polly! Are these Germans too? POLLY: Oh yes, but I can deal . . .
BASIL FAWLTY: Right, right, here’s the plan. I’ll stand there and ask them if they want something to drink before the war . . . before their lunch . . . don’t mention the war. Basil moves in front of the German guests, bows and mimes eating and drinking. 2nd GERMAN: Can we help you? BASIL FAWLTY: (Gives a startled jump) Oh, you speak English? 2nd GERMAN: Of course. BASIL FAWLTY: Ah, wonderful! Wünderbar! Ah — please allow me to introduce myself. I am the owner of Fawlty Towers and may I welcome your war, your wall, you wall, you all, and hope that your stay will be a happy one. Now, would you like to eat first or would you like a drink before the war . . . ning that, er, trespassers will be tied up with piano wire. Sorry, sorry (clutches his thigh) bit of trouble with the old leg . . . got a touch of shrapnel in the war . . . Korean! Korean War! Sorry, Korean.
2nd GERMAN: Thank you. We will eat now. Basil bows gracefully and ushers them into the dining room. BASIL FAWLTY: Oh, good, please, do allow me. May I say how pleased we are to have some Europeans here now that we are on the Continent . . . They all go into the dining room. Polly, meanwhile, is on the phone. POLLY: (Into the receiver) Can I speak to Dr Finn, please? In the dining room, Basil is taking the guests’ orders.
BASIL FAWLTY: I didn’t vote for it myself quite honestly but, now that we’re in, I’m determined to make it work, so I’d like to welcome you all to Britain. The plaice is grilled, but that doesn’t matter, there’s life in the old thing yet. No, wait a moment, I got a bit confused there. Oh yes, the plaice is grilled . . . in fact the whole room’s warm, isn’t it? I’ll open a window, have a look. And the veal chop is done with rosemary . . . that’s funny, I thought she’d gone to Canada . . . and is delicious and nutritious. In fact, it’s veally good. Veally good? 2nd GERMAN: The veal is good? BASIL FAWLTY: Yes, doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter, never mind. 1st GERMAN: May we have two eggs mayonnaise, please? BASIL FAWLTY: Certainly. Why not, why not indeed? We are all friends now, eh? 2nd GERMAN: (Heavily) A prawn cocktail. BASIL FAWLTY: . . . all in the Market together, old differences forgotten, and no need at all to mention the war . . . Sorry, sorry, what was it again? 2nd GERMAN: A prawn cocktail. BASIL FAWLTY: Oh, prawn, that was it. When you said prawn, I thought you said war. Oh, the war! Oh, yes, completely slipped my mind, yes, I’d forgotten all about it. Hitler, Himmler and all that lot, yes, completely forgotten it, just like that (snaps his fingers). Sorry, what was it again? 2nd GERMAN: (With some menace) A prawn cocktail! BASIL FAWLTY: Oh, yes, Eva Prawn, yes and Goebbels too, another one I can hardly remember. 1 st GERMAN: And ein pickled herring. BASIL FAWLTY: Hermann Goering, yes, yes. And Von Ribbentrop, that was another one. 1st GERMAN: And four cold meat salads, please. BASIL FAWLTY: Certainly, I’ll just get your hors d’oeuvres, hors d’oeuvres vich must be obeyed at all times without question. Sorry, sorry! POLLY: Mr Fawlty, would you please call your wife immediately? BASIL FAWLTY: Sybil! Sybil! She’s in the hospital, you silly girl. POLLY: Yes, call her there. BASIL FAWLTY: I can’t, I’ve got too much to do. Listen . . . (He whispers through his teeth) Don’t mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. (He returns to his guests). So, it’s all forgotten now and let’s hear no more about it. So, that’s two eggs mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering and four Colditz salads . . . no wait a moment, I got a bit confused there, sorry . . . (One of the German ladies has begun to sob.) I got a bit confused because everyone keeps mentioning the war, so could you . . . The comforting second the German, lady, looks who is up angrily. BASIL FAWLTY: What’s the matter? 2nd GERMAN: It’s all right. BASIL FAWLTY: Is there something wrong? 2nd GERMAN: Will you stop talking about the war? BASIL FAWLTY: Me? You started it! 2nd GERMAN: We did not start it. BASIL FAWLTY: Yes, you did, you invaded Poland . . . here, this’ll cheer you up, you’ll like this one. There’s this woman, she’s completely stupid, she can never remember anything, and her husband’s in a bomber over Berlin . . . (The lady howls.) Sorry! Sorry! Here, she’ll love this one.
2nd GERMAN: Will you leave her alone. BASIL FAWLTY: No, this is a scream, I’ve never seen anyone not laugh at this. 1st GERMAN: Go away! BASIL FAWLTY: Look, she’ll love it — she’s German! (Places a finger under his nose preparatory to doing a Hitler impression.) POLLY: No, Mr. Fawlty . . ! Do Jimmy Cagney instead. BASIL FAWLTY: What? POLLY: Jimmy Cagney. BASIL FAWLTY: Jimmy Cagney? POLLY: You know ( adopts Cagney voice), ‘You dirty rat . . . ’ BASIL FAWLTY: I can’t do Jimmy Cagney! POLLY: Please try . . . ( continues in Cagney voice) ‘I’m going to get you ... ’ BASIL FAWLTY: Shut up. Here, watch — who’s this, then? (He places his finger across his upper lip and does his Fuhrer party piece. His audience is stunned.) BASIL FAWLTY: I’ll do the funny walk. (He performs an exaggerated goose-step out into the lobby, does an aboutturn and marches back into the dining room. Both German women are by now in tears, and both men on their feet.) BOTH GERMANS: Stop it! BASIL FAWLTY: I’m trying to cheer her up, you stupid Kraut! 2ND GERMAN: It’s not funny for her! BASIL FAWLTY: Not funny? You’re joking! 2ND GERMAN: Not funny for her, not for us, not for any German people. BASIL FAWLTY: You have absolutely no sense of humour, do you! 1ST GERMAN: (Shouting) This is not funny! BASIL FAWLTY: Who won the bloody war, anyway? (The doctor comes in with a hypodermic needle ready.) DOCTOR: Mr Fawlty, you’ll be all right, come with me. BASIL FAWLTY: Fine. (Suddenly Basil dashes off through the kitchen, out across into the lobby and into the office. He spots the doctor in pursuit and leaves by the other door into reception. He meets Manuel under the moose’s head and thumps him firmly on the head. Manuel sinks to his knees. The moose’s head falls off the wall; Basil is knocked cold. The moose’s head lands on Manuel. The Major, entering from the bar, is intrigued.) MANUEL: (Speaking through the moose’s nose) Ooooooh, he hit me on the head . . . MAJOR: (Slapping the moose’s nose) No, you hit him on the head. You naughty moose! 2ND GERMAN: (Sadly) However did they win?