A pint? Have you gone mad? That’s very nearly an armful!

RAY GALTON and Alan Simpson met as teenagers in a tuberculosis sanatorium where they were having treatment and became a successful comedy writing duo for Tony Hancock, Frankie Howerd and others. They invented the British sitcom with Hancock’s Half Hour on radio, and later on TV. Galton and Simpson always refused to reveal who wrote which lines. With the most famous line in The Blood Donor, Alan explained: ‘One of us said, “A pint? That’s an armful.” The other said, “Nearly an armful.” Then we agreed on, “Very nearly an armful,” which is funnier.’ TONY HANCOCK is waiting to give blood at a hospital . . .

NURSE: Well, Mr Hancock, the doctor is ready for you now.

HANCOCK: Who me? Now? Yes, well, I mean . . . is there no one before me? I’m in no hurry. Anybody else want to go in first?

NURSE: There isn’t anybody else. You’re the last one.

HANCOCK: Oh. Yes well. This is it then. Here we go then. (Laughs nervously.) Over the top. (Privately to the nurse.) What’s he like on the needle this bloke, a steady hand? NURSE: There’s nothing to worry about.

HANCOCK: Is he in a good mood? NURSE: You’ll be quite all right. Dr McTaggart is an excellent doctor.

HANCOCK: McTaggart? He’s a Scotsman. Oh, well that’s all right. They’re marvellous doctors the Scots. Like their engineers. First rate. It’s the porridge you know. Lead on Macduff. (The nurse opens the door to the doctor’s office.) NURSE: (To the doctor.) Mr Hancock. HANCOCK: (In an absurdly exaggerated

Scottish accent) It’s a braw bricht, moonlicht nicht, the nicht, this morning — there’s a bonny wee lassie out there hoots mon tha noo. DOCTOR: (Cut-glass English accent) Do you mind sitting down there, please, Mr Hancock?

HANCOCK: Beg your pardon for lapsing into the vernacular, but the young lady did say you were a Scottish gentleman.

DOCTOR : We’ r e not all Rob Roys. May I have your card, please?

HANCOCK: I’m ready when you are squire.

DOCTOR: Hold out your hand, please. Now, this won’t hurt. You’ll just feel a slight prick on the end of your thumb.

HANCOCK: Ow! Well, I’ll bid you a good day, thank you very much. If you want any more, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me. DOCTOR: Where are you going? HANCOCK: To have my tea and biscuits. DOCTOR: I thought you came here to give some of your blood. HANCOCK: You’ve just had it. DOCTOR: That’s just a smear. HANCOCK: It may be just a smear to you, mate, but it’s life and death to some poor wretch. DOCTOR: I’ve just taken a small sample to test. HANCOCK: A sample? How much do you want then? DOCTOR: Well, a pint of course. HANCOCK: A pint? Have you gone raving mad? Oh, you must be joking.

DOCTOR: A pint is a perfectly normal quantity to take.

HANCOCK: You don’t seriously expect me to believe that? I came in here in all good faith to help my country. I don’t mind giving a reasonable amount, but a pint — why, that’s very nearly an armful. I don’t mind that much. (Holds out his finger.) But not up to here mate, I’m sorry. (Indicates just below his shoulder.) I’m not walking around with an empty arm for anybody. A joke’s a joke and all that.

DOCTOR: Mr Hancock, you obviously don’t know very much about the workings of the human body. You won’t have an empty arm or an empty anything. The blood is circulating all the time. A perfectly normal, healthy individual can give a pint of blood without any ill- effects whatsoever. After all, you do have eight pints of blood, you know.

HANCOCK: Now look, chum, everybody to his own trade, I grant you. But if I’ve got eight pints, obviously, I need eight pints. And, not seven, as I will have by the time you’ve finished with me. No, I’m sorry, I’ve been misinformed, I’ve made a mistake, I’ll do something else — I think I’ll be a traffic warden.

DOCTOR: Well, I can’t force you to donate your blood but it’s a great shame. You’re AB negative.

HANCOCK: Is that bad? DOCTOR: No, no. You’re rhesus positive. HANCOCK: Rhesus? They’re monkeys, aren’t they? How dare you? What are you implying? I didn’t come here to be insulted by a legalised vampire.

DOCTOR: Mr Hancock. That is your blood group. AB negative — one of the rarest blood groups there is. HANCOCK: (Smiling) Really? DOCTOR: Yes, it is. Very rare indeed. HANCOCK: Well, of course, this does throw a different complexion on the matter. I mean, I am one of the few sources, one doesn’t like to hog it all, so to speak. Very rare, eh?

DOCTOR: Yes, there’ll be no ill- effects, I assure you. You’ll make up the deficiency in no time at all.

HANCOCK: Well, in that case, I’ll do it. I mean, after all, we AB negatives must stick together. Minority group like us, we could easily be persecuted.

DOCTOR: Thank you very much, Mr Hancock, I’m very grateful to you. Now, if you’ll just take off your coat and lie down over there, it won’t take long. Rest for half an hour and, after that, you’ll be free to go. Would you roll up your sleeve, please.

HANCOCK: By the way, what group are you? DOCTOR: Group A.

HANCOCK: Huh. (Derisory.) DOCTOR: Now, this won’t hurt. Relax. HANCOCK: Ow! (He faints.)