Oh, spare me the false modesty of the humble braggers*
* They’re the women who pretend to be plagued by ‘imperfections’ the rest of us would kill for (and, says BEL MOONEY, we all know one!)
MOST of us have been guilty of it at some time or other. The dreaded, coy, dishonest, thoughtless humblebrag — the seemingly modest statement that ultimately highlights one’s own accomplishments, status or looks.
Just the other day, having lunch with an old friend, I said I wouldn’t order fries because ‘I feel so fat after my holiday’. She said nothing — but looking back, I know what I deserved.
‘For heaven’s sake woman, shut up — you’re lucky enough to be able to afford a lovely foreign holiday, and besides, you’re a size 10, while I’m a size 14!’
I certainly didn’t intend to make her feel bad about her own waistline. And I had indeed overdone gorging on the famous Portugese custard tarts, so my new jeans felt uncomfortable.
But did I really need to use the ‘f’ word? Of course I didn’t.
The humblebragger may not mean to make other people feel inferior, but casual ‘modesty’ can be as damaging as it is false. It may seem harmless, but it can have a serious effect on people with low self-esteem.
Think of it from their point of view. If she thinks she’s fat, what does that make me? If she’s a failure, what am I?
This inauthentic show of humility can be horribly destructive and make otherwise confident people turn a hyper- critical spotlight on themselves.
Luckily, I’m not as bad as super- skinny Victoria Beckham. She announced this week that she can ‘no longer be bothered with’ trying to maintain a flat stomach. Being a busy, 44-year- old mother of four, she has other things to worry about.
She made the comments to Australian Vogue, and appeared on the cover with a stomach that showed not the slightest evidence of this seismic shift in attitude to her legendary strict diet and exercise regime.
Translate that throwaway comment and it says: ‘I have no spare fat, a brilliant, busy career and look much younger than 44 — so eat your heart out, folks.’
There are others. Plenty of them. Any normal woman would roll her eyes when someone as svelte as Samantha Cameron confesses she doesn’t like wearing jeans because she has such a big bottom and thighs. Excuse me, she doesn’t. Mrs Cameron is slender and elegant and would make the cheapest pair of jeans look wonderful.
Why doesn’t she simply say she doesn’t wear jeans because she’d rather look smart in her own clothing range, or other expensive designer gear befitting of her stalife tus and budget? She probably thinks that might make her seem snooty.
Apparently Sienna Miller, 36, hates her ‘bingo wings.’ Does she really have flabby upperarms? Just ask the average middle- aged woman who mourns the loss of her own slender, toned arms . . . but maybe wear earplugs to block out the expletives! BUT if you analyse her moan you realise it’s an affront that such a privileged star should use an unkind term associated with working women who raise their ageing arms to shout ‘Bingo’.
The humblebragger may not realise she’s potentially hurting the feelings of the less fortunate — but she is. It seems actress Michelle Pfeiffer hates her face, saying she looks ‘like a duck’. Michelle, you are still absolutely gorgeous. And you
must know it. On the other hand, if her negativity is genuine — not so much a humblebrag as a genuine dislike of growing older — then how are ordinary women supposed to feel when we realise all the potions in the world will not keep wrinkles at bay, and we’re likely to look a lot worse than Michelle Pfeiffer at her very worst?
Another offender is Rihanna. Do you believe the fabulously wealthy superstar is genuinely afflicted by the cellulite she professes to worry about?
And actress Jennifer Lawrence complaining about armpit fat? Honestly, what woman wouldn’t trade problems with her in an instant? As for supermodel Cara Delevingne wishing she were ‘curvier’, I don’t think anyone would suggest her figure has held her back.
Men are just as guilty, but their humblebrags are more likely to be connected with status than appearance. So illusionist Derren Brown tweeted: ‘Am a guest at Cirque Du Soleil launch, Albert Hall. Tried to sneak past red carpet but was made to go back and do it. I’m a rubbish celeb.’
There is a real illusion — that the winner of two Laurence Olivier Awards wants to sneak in the back and not be seen.
Just as bad was the former footballer Michael Owen when he tweeted: ‘ Somebody obviously told people I was there as a load of kids were waiting for my autograph afterwards! #embarrassing’
Oh poor mortals, you have no idea how dreadful it is to be recognised. Honestly, you wouldn’t want to be in our handmade shoes!
Knowing he’s not always up to date with these things, I asked my husband if he knows what humblebragging is.
He shook his head, faux-puzzled, and replied: ‘No, I don’t know what it means — even though I have a degree.’
That’s a nicely subtle example. It reminds me that the intellectual humblebragger is almost the worst. Humblebrags about appearance make readers of those tweets hate their own, all-too-real cellulite, bingo wings, fat armpits and duck-faces.
Humblebrags about status and success can make normal people realise what humdrum lives they lead.
There’s a marvellous literary example of a humblebragger. Dickens created a monster in uriah Heep, who boasts incessantly that he is ’umble’, when he is nothing of the sort.
When kind David Copperfield offers to teach a young uriah Latin to help him in his career, Heep smarms: ‘Master Copperfield! I am greatly obliged, and I should like it of all things, I assure you; but I am far too ’umble.’
Like all humblebraggers Heep is lying. Far from being modest he is a dishonest, conniving, ambitious pain-in-the-neck with a massive sense of entitlement. Modern celebrity in a nutshell.