Bunnies breed like rabbits? How dare you!

Sir, As a leading member of the newt community and a lifelong teetotaller, I take offence at references to so-and- so being ‘p***ed as a newt’.

I speak on behalf of all newts when I say that the incidence of alcohol dependency among the newt population is lower than it has ever been.

As proud members of the salamander family, we newts are distressed by our portrayal as roustabouts, swaying from side to side under the influence of wine, beer and spirits.

The time has come to quash these vile rumours once and for all, before they breed like rabbits.

Yours etc, Andrew ‘Gino’ Newt.

Sir, As a gay rabbit, I was distressed by Mr Newt’s recent letter with its offensive expression ‘breed like rabbits’.

While some rabbits produce up to 100 baby rabbits a season, many others, such as myself, choose not to breed, or take the necessary precautions. In future, instead of acting like a bull in a china shop, Mr Newt should be more careful when he speaks.

Yours etc, roger rabbit.

Sir, Mr Rabbit’s recent letter has been drawn to my attention. As a bull who owns a flourishing chain of High Street china shops, and is currently President of the Cattle Association of China Shop Owners, I am sick and tired of the way the bull community is portrayed by the media as somehow ‘unsafe in china shops’.

Nothing could be further from the truth. In our main Regent Street store, staffed almost entirely by cattle, we handle over 1,200 China tea-sets per annum, with barely half that number of reported breakages.

In fact, bulls are much more sensitive at handling delicate china than the vast majority of other animals, such as ostriches and jellyfish.

Those who value truth and justice should stop following naked prejudice like sheep.

Yours etc, Bernard Bull

Sir, As an activist within the sheep community, I was sickened by unashamedly sheepist sentiments voiced by correspondents like Mr Bull, who implies that sheep are ‘easily led’.

In fact, we sheep are independent-minded animals, admired for our strong convictions. When pushed, we can be as stubborn as mules. Let us hear no more of these waspish comments.

Yours etc, (Ms) Loretta Lamb.

Sir, As a mule happily married to a wasp, I was sickened by Ms Lamb’s disparagement of both our communities.

Far removed from their ‘ uncaring’ stereotype, wasps are friendly, sympathetic creatures.

It is human beings who provoke us by picnicking too close to our nests. Why should we be blamed for the faults of others?

And it’s time to lay off the hardpressed mule community, too! The oppression of minorities is the unspoken malaise of our day. This, to my mind, is the elephant in the room. Yours etc, Mr Muffin. Sir, As an elephant, I am appalled by Mr Muffin’s casual elephobia. Along with many of my friends, I am regularly to be found in rooms. Far from skulking on the sidelines, we are, by nature, highly gregarious, well-known for our friendly, outgoing personalities. Mean- spirited phrases such as ‘ the elephant in the room’ imply that ele - phants represent a problem that no one wishes to acknowledge or discuss. This is a warped view of elephants. Numerous appearances in films, on television and in the circus have established us as hugely popular creatures. Far from avoiding elephants, people love to pet us and to feed us currant buns. Mr Muffin’s crude exercise in stereotyping represents a cod idea of the elephant community. Enough! Yours faithfully, Ellie V. Elephant.

Sir, As a cod of many years standing, and Public Relations Supremo of the Cod And Haddock Coalition, I write to voice my horror at Ms Elephant’s letter.

By suggesting that the word ‘ cod’ is somehow linked to everything false and artificial, Ms Elephant must have known that she would cause tremendous hurt within the wider fish community.

Far from being bogus, cod are widely regarded as among the most straightforward and trustworthy fish in the world, never more so than when standing alongside a bagful of honest-to goodness British chips.

How could Ms Elephant have written such nonsense? I can only imagine she was as p***ed as a newt.

Yours faithfully, Cordelia Cod.