THES KETCH: GERALD THE GORILLA
ANARCHIC and scabrous, Not The Nine O’Clock News was TV’s answer to punk rock. Rowan Atkinson, Mel Smith and Pamela Stephenson starred, with Griff Rhys Jones joining after one series. Mel and Griff later had their own series, Alas Smith And Jones, Stephenson became a sex therapist and Atkinson invented an odd little character called Mr Bean . . . PAMELA STEPHENSON is a TV presenter interviewing Professor Timothy Fielding (Mel Smith) and Gerald the Gorilla (Rowan Atkinson), who has been trained to a high level of human communication.
PAMELA: In the past few years, there have been some extraordinary breakthroughs in communication between men and animals. Some outstanding cases being those with dolphins and with owls. But, in the forefront of this field is Professor Timothy Fielding . . .
PROFESSOR: Good evening . . . PAMELA: . . . and his experiments with a gorilla called Gerald.
Gerald the Gorilla nods his head.
PAMELA: Professor, can Gerald really speak as we would understand it?
PROFESSOR: Oh, yes, yes yes — he can speak a few, actual words. Of course, it was extremely difficult to get him even to this stage, erm . . .
Gerald is checking his nails.
PROFESSOR: When I first captured Gerald in the Congo, in ’67, I think it was . . . (he is interrupted.) GERALD THE GORILLA: ’68.
Pamela can’t quite believe what she’s hearing.
PROFESSOR: ’68. Erm, there was an awful lot of work to do. He was enormously slow and difficult. I had to do a lot of work with him on a sort of oneto-one basis.
GERALD THE GORILLA: Yes, if I might butt in at this point, too. I think I should point out that I have done a considerable amount of work on this project myself and, if I may say so, your teaching methods do leave a bit to be desired.
PROFESSOR: That’s a bit ungrateful, isn’t it?
GERALD THE GORILLA: And, your diction, for instance, is not really what . . . ( he is interrupted).
PROFESSOR: I’m sorry, can I put this into some sort of perspective. When I caught Gerald in ’ 68, he was completely wild.
GERALD: Wild? I was absolutely livid!
PAMELA: Well, clearly, all that’s changed now? PROFESSOR AND GERALD THE GORILLA: ( Simultaneously.) Yes, yup . . . PAMELA: Because, of course, you’ve been brought up in the Professor’s own house? PROFESSOR: Yes, he’s living with me, yes. GERALD THE GORILLA: Though, not in the Biblical sense. (He laughs.) PAMELA: Yes, I was going to ask you, actually. Gerald, do you have a mate? GERALD THE GORILLA: Yah, I’ve got lots of mates. There’s the er, the Professor, there’s his son, Toby, there’s er, there’s Raymond, next door . . . PAMELA: Er, no, actually . . . GERALD THE GORILLA: Oh, I see, oh I see what you mean — er, crumpet, crumpet, well! PROFESSOR: You didn’t tell me you were friendly with Raymond.
GERALD THE GORILLA: Well, do I have to tell you everything?
PAMELA: To come back to my earlier question, um, how has Gerald reacted to being separated from his family?
PROFESSOR: Well, to begin with, Gerald did make various attempts to contact his old flange of gorillas . . .
GERALD THE GORILLA: It’s a whoop, Professor, a whoop of gorillas. It’s a flange of baboons, for God’s sake . . .
PROFESSOR: He sent them the occasional letter, but I couldn’t really see the point. I mean, they either ate them or wiped their bottoms on them.
GERALD THE GORILLA: Look, I know you’ve never got on with my mother. PROFESSOR: Well, she didn’t exactly like me, did she? GERALD THE GORILLA: She got on perfectly well with David Attenborough. PROFESSOR: David Attenborough . . ! All I hear is David bloody Attenborough! GERALD THE GORILLA: Let’s leave Dave out of this, shall we? PROFESSOR: Oh, shut up and hav e a banana or something. GERALD THE GORILLA: All right, I will. PAMELA: If I could interrupt for a minute. Gerald, I believe you’ve been earning some money, doing TV commercials and so on. What do you spend your earnings on?
Gerald is eating a banana from a plate, with a spoon.
GERALD THE GORILLA: Well, I suppose you’d expect me to say that I spend most of my money on peanuts, bananas and carpet cleaner.
PAMELA: No, not at all. GERALD THE GORILLA: Well, I do spend about 95 per cent of it on those items, but the rest goes on little luxuries. I’m, er very keen on Johnny Mathis. PROFESSOR: Yes, you’re not kidding, are you. When A Child Is Born blaring out till all hours while I’m downstairs, trying to do some work. GERALD THE GORILLA: Look, the production on that album is amazing. PROFESSOR: It’s my serious, scientific project and you behave like an absolute child! GERALD THE GORILLA: I went to evening classes.
PROFESSOR: Oh, shut up about your bloody evening classes, Gerald. GERALD THE GORILLA: As Aristotle once said . . . PROFESSOR: Oh! GERALD THE GORILLA: (Airily Gαπrυοeγδeοιkuγ) φα ιτη. λ uηυαζιψχηαθ εειιυτααιι ετinυο ’ ψ;
PROFESSOR: You arrogant little b*****d, you’re wrecking my life’s work. Trampling around the garden, eating the daffodils. GERALD THE GORILLA: I do not eat daffodils. PROFESSOR: Well somebody does, don’t they? PAMELA: Well, er, perhaps we could leave it there. Gerald, Professor, thank you very much indeed.
A daffodil in a bowl on the table starts talking.
DAFFODIL: He bl***y does eat daffodils, you know.