‘I’ D LIKE AN ARGUMENT, PLEASE’
MONTY Python’s Flying Circus ran from 1969 to 1974, and usually aired late in the evening. Very few children can have seen the original broadcasts, yet a generation grew up able to quote many sketches by heart, because the show’s best moments were released on LPs.
In thIs classic Python set up, Michael Palin arrives for an appointment with a twist. the receptionist sends him down the hall where he encounters first Mr Barnard (Graham Chapman) before meeting Mr Vibrating (John Cleese) . . . CHAPMAN: What do you want? PALIN: Well, I was told outside that . . . CHAPMAN: Don’t give me that, you snottyfaced heap of parrot droppings! PALIN: What? CHAPMAN: Shut your festering gob, you t**! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffeenosed, malodorous, pervert! PALIN: Look, I came here for an argument, I’m not going to just stand..! CHAPMAN: Oh, I’m sorry, but this is abuse. PALIN: I see, well, that explains it. CHAPMAN: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor. PALIN: Oh, thank you very much. Sorry. CHAPMAN: Not at all. PALIN: Thank You. CHAPMAN: (Angrily, after the door closes.) Stupid git! Man walks down the corridor and knocks on another door. CLEESE: Come in. PALIN: Ah, is this the right room for an argument? CLEESE: I told you once. PALIN: No, you haven’t. CLEESE: Yes, I have. PALIN: When? CLEESE: Just now. PALIN: No, you didn’t. CLEESE: Yes, I did. PALIN: You didn’t. CLEESE: I did! PALIN: You didn’t! CLEESE: I’m telling you I did! PALIN: You did not! CLEESE: Oh, I’m sorry, just one moment. Is this a five-minute argument or the full half hour? PALIN: Oh, just the five minutes. CLEESE: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did. PALIN: You most certainly did not. CLEESE: Look, let’s get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you. PALIN: No, you did not.
CLEESE: Yes, I did. PALIN: No, you didn’t.
CLEESE: Yes, I did. PALIN: No, you didn’t.
CLEESE: Yes, I did. PALIN: No, you didn’t.
CLEESE: Yes, I did. PALIN: You, didn’t. CLEESE: Did. PALIN: Oh look, this isn’t an argument. CLEESE: Yes, it is. PALIN: No, it isn’t. It’s just contradiction.
CLEESE: No, it isn’t. PALIN: It is! CLEESE: It is not. PALIN: Look, you just contradicted me.
CLEESE: I did not. PALIN: Oh, you did!
CLEESE: No, no, no. PALIN: You did just then. CLEESE: Nonsense! PALIN: Oh, this is futile! CLEESE: No, it isn’t. PALIN: I came here for a good argument.
CLEESE: No, you didn’t; no, you came here for an argument.
PALIN: An argument isn’t just contradiction. CLEESE: It can be. PALIN: No, it can’t. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition. CLEESE: No, it isn’t. PALIN: Yes, it is! It’s not just contradiction.
CLEESE: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
PALIN: Yes, but that’s not just saying: ‘No it isn’t.’ CLEESE: Yes, it is! PALIN: No, it isn’t! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes. (short pause) CLEESE: No, it isn’t. PALIN: It is. CLEESE: Not at all. PALIN: Now look. CLEESE: ( Rings bell.) Good morning. PALIN: What? CLEESE: That’s it. Good morning. PALIN: I was just getting interested. CLEESE: Sorry, the five minutes is up. PALIN: That was never five minutes! CLEESE: I’m afraid it was. PALIN: It wasn’t. Pause. CLEESE: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to argue any more. PALIN: What?! CLEESE: If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes. PALIN: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh, come on! Cleese hums. PALIN: Look, this is ridiculous. CLEESE: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid! PALIN: Oh, all right. ( Pays money.) CLEESE: Thank you. ( short pause.) PALIN: Well? CLEESE: Well what? PALIN: That wasn’t really five minutes, just now. CLEESE: I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid. PALIN: I just paid! CLEESE: No, you didn’t. PALIN: I DID! CLEESE: No, you didn’t. PALIN: Look, I don’t want to argue about that. CLEESE: Well, you didn’t pay. PALIN: Aha. If I didn’t pay, why are you arguing? I got you! CLEESE: No, you haven’t. PALIN: Yes, I have. If you’re arguing, I must have paid. CLEESE: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time. PALIN: (Getting up to leave.) Oh, I’ve had enough of this. CLEESE: No, you haven’t. PALIN: Oh, shut up.